D&D Story Interlude: Can't Punch with Hamster Paws, Can You?

Image from Wikimedia Commons

Se-Ti-Fe-Ni Woes

The night before I wrote this blog post, I ranted on my Discord server about an ESTP Brawl Stars-playing student I had. Brawl Stars was under maintenance at the time so he wanted me to play another game on Steam...but it turns out, #1, he doesn't have a Steam account; #2, the captcha was behaving strangely; Steam wouldn't let him create an account no matter how much he tried and I helped.

I suggested to him that we play a .io game like Krunker instead since this kind of game can be played on a browser with no download required; players can jump straight in. For Krunker specifically, this kid asked me to play shooting battle royales before so I wanted something that also has guns. But he seemed to act as if I didn't say anything. (I think unhealthy Ti can be prone to singular, inflexible thinking. I'm sometimes like that.)

So I did the usual aimless thing I do as a bored INTP in my classes and asked a whole bunch of random questions when a student seemed unenthusiastic (*cough* most Japanese and Japanese-like teens *cough*). Long story short since I don't remember most of the details, I was bored of his simplistic answers and lack of curiosity and self-expression except for when...a pilot friend of his supposedly used an iPad and a MacBook while flying a plane. (I will take this with a giant grain of salt. I dislike his use of Fe and low Ni and Si: he invited me to play Minecraft Bedrock Edition once and although I was unable to play at first, I invited him months later and it turns out he hasn't even bought the game. Don't invite people to a game that you can't even play, darn it! On another side note, I'm worried I'll run into kids and elderly people like this as a technical support agent. A call center boss would have fired me on the spot given the intentionally blunt way I talked in that "English lesson".)

Alevius Plots to Take Over Amidst the Chaos!

In the middle of my rant, Glacie, my Singaporean friend, interrupted, ranting that Discord servers seem to suddenly fall silent when he starts talking. Alevius, my American INTP friend, replied that she's thankful that none of us (me, Aby, Glacie, and YoSquid) thought that she was a rando and that they welcomed her with open arms. I expressed how impressed and thankful I was but also regretted not giving Alevius a proper introduction since I was the leader and I invited her. She was OK with it...but she also put a code block saying:

(My master plan to take over LT's server is progressing nicely...hm, what, me? Nothing.)

For context, I put code blocks to represent in-game events in Dungeons & Dragons (D&D) and to separate them from my personal statements as the Dungeon Master (DM).

The Battle for the Admin Throne Begins!

The events of this battle are just for fun and do not reflect our characters in our current Lost Mine of Phandelver campaign.

Turn 1

I was somewhat unsure how to react to that completely random statement so I thought of playing along with the code block thing. On the D&D channel, I started an impromptu boss battle while stealing text from Pokémon Sun and Moon when fighting a Totem Pokémon:

ALEVIUS appeared!

ALEVIUS's aura flared to life! Its INTELLIGENCE rose sharply!

Go on, LT! I know you can do it!

Alevius's normal Intelligence score is 17 (+3). Since "rising sharply" in Pokémon raises a stat by 2 stages, I added 4 to the score, making it 21 (+5).

I make an Intimidation check to scare you off of taking over my server.

I admit that Intimidation check description was super lazy; my Ti got rekt from all the previous stress. Since I scare Filipinos in real life with my brains, I used Intelligence instead of my weaker Charisma...and I got a natural 1. Makes sense since I was on an Fe grip.

Alevius runs amok, not scared by one little tactician over in the cyberverse. "Your punches can't hit me if you don't know where I am!"

"You're just lucky I'm on an Fe grip and my Ti is still coming back. I'll bite you with my brains. Take this! Concussive Smash!"

I bonk you with an overhead swing with my baseball bat!

My dad owns an aluminum baseball bat. I classify it as a greatclub, hence the Concussive Smash weapon action and the 1d8 bludgeoning damage. I know Dazed inflicts disadvantage on Wisdom saving throws, not Intelligence which Alevius specializes in as an artificer, but I prioritized flavorful roleplay since in LT's head, a good bonk to the head destroys spellcasters' brains and impairs their spellcasting.

I rolled a 19 to hit and dealt 7 damage. Alevius got a natural 1 on her Dexterity saving throw. (Yes, I incorrectly used Dexterity instead of Constitution. My bad. Either way, she got Dazed.) I thought this was a pretty good start; we both rolled nat 1s and LT dealt big damage to her.

He then used Cunning Action to disengage and stand on top of a car. I set this battle on a modern battlefield.

Turn 2

Alevius summons up her weapon, a drawing tablet, and draws a nerd-faced Xingqiu on it!

In my D&D games, I allow my players to do all sorts of ridiculous actions including but not limited to Telnior dealing emotional damage with an insult (even though he's a sorcerer, not a bard) and YoSquid asking Glacia to dress like a sexy female orc, use an AoE buttered popcorn attack, and gross people out with a butter-stained hug. This is no exception.

For context, Xingqiu is my #1 favorite character in Genshin Impact because, like me who developed a heroic personality because of video games, he got his heroism because of martial arts novels. We even have similar hairstyles.

Anyway, I made LT make a Wisdom saving throw and got a 20 (not natural). I laughed in real life at this attack so I wrote:

LT laughs out loud but keeps his mind focused, eyes flashing a piercing gaze toward the gnome!

ALEVIUS's attack missed!

If the saving throw failed, he would've taken 1d8 psychic damage and gotten disadvantage on his next d20 roll due to his distraction.

LT then whips out his smartphone, opens a WWE video on YouTube, and at the sound of the announcer, LT goes for an elbow drop!

I was imagining the whole "Watch out! Watch out! RKO!" thing but I know Alevius doesn't watch WWE so I deliberately saved time by not needing to provide context on what an RKO is. Besides, the elbow drop is one of my signature moves IRL; I never seriously paid attention to how an RKO is performed since Randy Orton is not one of my favorite superstars.

Since LT hasn't hit level 4 which is when I'll multiclass him into a monk—he only has 12 Wisdom—he only dealt 3 damage.

Turn 3

Alevius threatened, "Just you wait until I have Fireball (if artificers can learn it)..."

Good thing I learned a whole bunch from videos about improv. I replied with a variation of "No, but...": "Sadly, only the Artillerist subclass can learn Fireball. But you do have one of your fancy-schmancy Nihility-fueled (as in debuffing) Experimental Elixirs that can transform your enemies..."

This potion casts Polymorph on a target the potion is thrown at but uses a Constitution saving throw instead of Wisdom.

"How dare you attack a gnome smaller than you are! This'll knock you down to size!" Alevius throws her Experimental Elixir with the intention of turning LT into a tiny hamster!

For context, Alevius has a pet hamster named Sweet Potato. Before I invited her to my friend group, she regularly kept me updated with what was going on with that little chonker. Since my Author Avatar has an Evil Dragon Form, she joked, what if LT had an Evil Hamster Form?

With a proficiency bonus of +2 and an Intelligence modifier of +5, the spell save DC is 15. LT got a 15 but despite it being a success, it's only a small one so I felt like being nice. Instead of transforming LT's entire body, I transformed his arms: his most important limbs in combat since I'm much better at punching than kicking IRL because of my 9-year boxing training.

LT narrowly resists the potion's effects with a deep breath to avoid breathing the fumes...but they get into his skin anyway! His arms transform into tiny hamster paws!

"NOOO!!! How dare you take away my ability to use weapons!? Fine! I'mma fight you in other ways!

LT attempts to kick Alevius but struggles to maintain balance without his arms!

I inflicted disadvantage on LT's kick since in real life, I use my arms to assist in balancing my body, aiming my kick, and defending against attacks out of nowhere. Hamster paws are way too tiny to have any sort of meaningful impact. Guess what? He got another nat 1.

I made it even worse and funnier by making him make a Dexterity saving throw and it was yet another nat 1.

LT spins so horribly off-balance that he faceplants onto the ground!

LT took 2 damage!

That was a 1d6 roll, by the way.

Also, I have been obsessed with the word "faceplant" lately.

Turn 4

Alevius grabs two crossbow bolts and uses them to pin LT's clothes to the ground.

She got an 18 and a 13. Since LT can't move, I removed the AC bonus from his Dexterity, meaning he only had 11 from leather armor.

Both bolts hit! LT's long sleeves are stuck to the ground! With his hamster arms preventing him from breaking free...

LT surrenders!

ALEVIUS gained 700 EXP. Points!

STAGE CLEAR!

Turns: 4

Heroes: Alevius

LT wears a leather jacket, by the way.

Aftermath

I took Alevius's statements seriously and gave her admin permissions on my Discord server for a day. Don't worry—I fully trust that she will moderate the server well.

She was shocked but curious at the same time how the other members would react. I'm curious too. It's gonna be a mega troll for sure.

More importantly, this joke battle helped both of us relax in time for Alevius's work and for me to finish my students' notes for improvement.

So yay for us living happily ever after! The end. Suck it, Brawl Stars kid!

Moral Lesson: Enjoy the company of a friend with unhinged humor. Play along and laugh together. Remove stress. Profit.