Season 1 - Dick Figures Nostalgia: How The Lines Resonate with Me

WARNING: Dick Figures has plenty of profanity and sexual language, so this series will also be full of it. (I'm not sure whether I should restrict this to 16+ or 18+, though.)

CAUTION: Because this series is 11 years old, ALL my commentary on the episodes and Dick Figures The Movie will have MAJOR SPOILERS.

In 2012, when episode 30 "Kung Fu Winners" was the newest episode, I was introduced to the web series Dick Figures by my younger brother who also got introduced to it by his elementary school classmates.

Not gonna lie, before I watched that show, I only said swear words when I was super angry--I never said them even if, for example, I felt pain after tripping on a rock. But thanks to Dick Figures, even now, I say swear words on a regular basis. I guess it was because the stick figure characters and exaggerated animation typical of Western cartoons appealed to my inner child. (I was 12 years old at the time, which is technically a kid and not a teen, but I was mostly treated like a teen by others.)

Until 2014 when I became interested in other things and didn't care much about Season 5 besides episodes 41 to 43, I was addicted to the show. Mom hated it, but I watched it anyway. I always thought I acted like Blue because I was more serious than most other kids/teens I saw in public. And I even tried to print my own Dick Figures T-shirt in a school project...which I screwed up.

Of course, I don't watch Dick Figures actively anymore because I've got new major interests and there are no new episodes, but I admit that there are still real-life situations that make me nostalgic for the show. As such, usually, I will say these lines in my head. Less frequently, I may even say them out loud with an impression of the characters' voices.

Let's break down some of the episodes with lines I find memorable as of writing this post.

#1: A Bee or Something

Not gonna lie, this didn't give me a good impression of the series because I felt indifferent to much of it. Red was introduced acting crazy with an autotuned voice which is NOT his normal self. To be fair, I later learned on the official Facebook page that this episode was made in a hurry, hence the lower-quality animation compared to the rest of Season 1.

Blue to Red: (sarcastically) Oh, man, I feel sorry for you. You had everything. Wow.

I don't enjoy pretending to feel sorry for people I don't care so much about, honestly, but sometimes, I have to do it for the sake of morale. As someone who sometimes acts like a soldier, sometimes, I should only be concerned about the mission, not myself.

#2: Panda Hat

Red was drunk in the entirety of this episode. I know he was drunk with actual alcohol, but this episode resonates with me because I imagine that water is alcohol to encourage myself to drink it--after all, I don't get why actual alcohol is so popular because I hate the taste.

Thankfully, no one has ever told me "Wow, you're really 'drunk'." or something similar after seeing me go to the bathroom a lot.

Red: DRINKING! DRINKING! DRINKING!

Like many Western cartoons, lip movements in Dick Figures sync up with the voice lines. This one is an exception...and I think it's funny. Red just has his mouth frozen open while chanting this line. It feels...strangely motivational.

I can do it too, but it doesn't sound as good. I think Ed Skudder (creator of Dick Figures and voice of Red) said it with the right mouth movements in real life.

Raccoon: I can go all night, baby. I'm nocturnal. Rawr.

I'm not nocturnal, but I think this is also motivational. Especially given that Raccoon is a samurai, this line makes me want to fight to the end, especially if said "fight" forces me to stay up late.

Also, I like how he just didn't care about what the girl next to him said previously: "Ugh, men are such pigs." (The scene cut to Red afterward, so we don't know the girl's response.)

#3: Flame War

"Blue, there it is! The best video game ever released!" "There's only one copy?" "And it's mine. Click-click."

Honestly, I still have difficulty choosing my #1 video game of all time, but for now, I GREATLY enjoy Genshin Impact--it's an open-world RPG with waifus and an intricate combat system, which are all things I REALLY want in a video game.

In terms of having only one copy, I translate this to a more serious motivational quote from Keqing: "In adventuring, as in business, you always have to seize the opportunity while it's there." You gotta hit your enemy while they're weak. You gotta steal the loot when the guards aren't looking. You gotta help people whenever you can.

"I think I'm okay." (walks away) "Frack!"

This is a group of lines I had in my head a LOT when I was in 8th grade in situations involving my high school crush "Keqing".

"Well, guess I'll see you on Fri--" "We gotta get outta here, dude!" "Why?" "C4 yourself!" (explosion) "OVERKILL!" "Dicks."

When I have to suddenly get moving while I'm busy doing or preparing for something fun, or when I have to escape from something I'm lazy to do, I pretend there's C4 near me.

The "dicks" part is what my brain says upon missing an opportunity to get a date or when someone is being a jerk.

#4: Traffic Jams

"What the fuck, man? You broke my airbag!" "Whatever, you don't need an airbag!" (growl) "You're gonna need an airbag."

When someone, including me, does something I think is stupid and then regrets it immediately afterward.

"Is that a turtle?" "That's a fucking dragon!"

I recently re-read one of my college textbooks, "Philosophical Analysis" by Andresito Acuna. He mentioned that ambiguous concepts are concepts that have many meanings; the exact meaning used by the speaker/writer is unknown. For example, let's say I think Sucrose is awesome. Why is she awesome? Is she awesome as a waifu? As a DMG dealer? (It's actually both in my case.)

In this Dick Figures scene, the street Red and Blue are on gets attacked by a giant dragon turtle. Dragon turtles are significantly less popular compared to the bat- and lizard-like Western dragons and snake-like Eastern dragons, hence why Blue simply called it a "turtle".

The funny thing is, later in the scene, Blue gets his things from the car's trunk including some D&D books. And there IS a dragon turtle in the Monster Manual, one of the three core rulebooks in the game. 

#5: Steakosaurus

I'm not a dinosaur fan, but man, this episode just hits REALLY hard for me because of the lines.

"I want...to eat...a dinosaur." "Not this again." "I am so hungry! I need to eat the BIGGEST ANIMAL EVER!"

Eating a dinosaur is obviously an outrageous idea. As such, when I see outrageous ideas, I say "Not this again"...assuming I don't say the meme-tastic "Ah, shit--here we go again." from GTA San Andreas.

"You know dinosaurs are extinct, right? They're not like...here anymore?" "Hm. Explain." "No."

When I point out what I think is obvious to someone who doesn't get it, I imagine the "extinct" line. I would prefer not to explain, though, but I do it anyway to hopefully change someone's mind.

When I encounter something ambiguous or vague in someone's statement, I also say, "Explain." I also tell that to myself to encourage myself to expand on my opinions.

"Wait x8. Say-be (sic), they're not even zombies? They're like, for realsies dead? "Yes." "Well, looks like we're gonna need a time machine!" "Those don't exist either." "You don't exist! Yesss--"

The zombie and time machine lines sound to me like someone high on copium who staunchly believes in their own dumb ideas.

When I try to avoid being noticed by someone, I imagine the "You don't exist!" line.

"Ho, hohohohohoho. So, you want to travel to a forgotten time." "Yeah." "You could forever alter the course of history!" "Yeah." "You know it is very danger--" "Yeahyeahyeahyeah, here's 50 bucks." "It's in the back."

Okay, yeah, I'm hypocritical for giving long explanations but also disliking listening to them. (Not reading--just listening.)

Sometimes, I tell my mom the 50 bucks line when I'm bored of listening to her give instructions.

Future Red to a dinosaur: Hey, ugly! Where I come from, you're extinct!

(Oh boy, I hope my superiors in my company don't do a random security check on my blog...)

On March 31, 2022, I got so angry at a certain teen male student (though I tried to suppress it during the lesson).

He's basically your typical lazy student combined with Japanese Spirit. To put it simply, I think his main concern is to finish as many lessons as possible, not to actually improve his English mastery. He doesn't care if I act as energetic as Bennett or as stoic as Diluc or whether he got a perfect score or a lot of corrections. He doesn't ask questions or ask for help even when he's clearly struggling and after I've made it clear that it won't affect his scores.

This time, his behavior was unusual. He took lessons with me for 3 days in a row which he normally doesn't do--he more or less goes "random bullshit go!" Yet he was much less attentive than before--I gave him simple instructions that have been spammed to him in multiple lessons and he didn't seem to understand. He paused a lot more while answering even as I gave increasingly clear hints. However, he instantly responded to "Can you hear me?" and "Daijoubu desu ka?" (I heard no background noise but I angrily wild-guessed that he was looking at unrelated content or chatting on Discord.)

I had a similar lazy student with Japanese Spirit on the morning of April 5, 2022, minus the unusual behavior. He paused a lot without asking for help--sometimes, I thought we were losing connection since I heard no background noise. I had to inform him that it's OK to say "Chotto matte kudasai." (Please wait.) and similar phrases.

I collectively refer to these lazy students with Japanese Spirit as "Nobushi" which are basically bandit samurai. In Genshin Impact, Nobushi are common enemies found in Inazuma, the Japan-inspired region. When defeated, they may say "To the very...end..." which matches up with these lazy students' attitudes towards learning. Nobushi students are also surprisingly common from my experience.

As such, instead of blowing up directly on my Nobushi students, I released my rage by borrowing a friend's Genshin Impact account and KILLING EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM! She doesn't play a lot due to schoolwork so she was running low on most materials...and now, she has an overabundance of handguards which Nobushi drop. I once promised her that I would give her 20 Famed Handguards (which are exceedingly rare) in 1 week...and I did it in LESS THAN 24 HOURS ON TOP OF DRIVING THE NOBUSHI TO EXTINCTION.

And I haven't gotten a single Nobushi student for 7 days as of updating this on April 12, 2022. Every one of my students was nice.

But it ain't gonna stop. Now, I have a ritual of killing at least one Nobushi in Genshin Impact every day even if I don't need their handguards--I collect them as Battle Trophies. And if you ever need a mercenary who's a crazy handguard farmer, my UID is 808196140.

"Think you just killed every dinosaur in the world." "Now I'm gonna eat every dinosaur in the world. Circle of life, bitch!" "How is that the circle of li--WHAT IS THAT THING!?" (asteroid impact)

When I leisurely browse something but suddenly see something shocking, I scream in my head, "WHAT IS THAT THING!?"

#6: OMG

This is also difficult since none of the lines resonate with me, at least in a way that would entertain my readers. Honorable mentions go to Blue's "Oh my God... Oh my God..." at the beginning of the episode, God's "Now make me a sandwich...out of babies!", and Raccoon's "I need to quit drinking." I basically just shoehorned this one line to ensure I have all 10 episodes:

Autotuned Bee: It's just a dream, mothafucka!

I get nightmares all the time. They include but are not limited to getting destroyed by video game monsters, missing deadlines for schoolwork, missing work, and Mom raging at me.

I still can't lucid-dream so I have little control over my dreams. I can't even "conjure" something close to this line.

Maybe, the more I drill it into my brain, the more resistant I'll be to nightmares.

#7: Trouble Date

(butchered French pronunciation) "I didn't know you spoke French." "こにちは。Konichiwa." (Raccoon eating sushi) "WHAT!?"

Filthy dates pretending to be good at foreign languages.

Yes, I didn't add the ん ("konnichiwa" has 2 Ns in English and is normally spelled as こんにちは) on purpose.

Thankfully, I think Blue's positive traits neutralize this dumb moment.

Also, how is Raccoon eating sushi at a French restaurant!?

Blue: When I was in Paris, I had the most delicious bowl of--SHIT! (Red and Stacy enter the restaurant while French-kissing)

How did I not remember this line? This was gold! I guess my brain was too focused on the other episodes.

How should I say this in an everyday situation? Oh well. Let's wait and see. Maybe in an Explain, Explain... Oh, Crap! moment? Or when I want to be sarcastic?

#8: Kitty Amazing

"Let's take this cat for a test drive!" "What does that mean?" "It means chicas love gatos! ¡Gatos! ¡Gatos! ¡Gatos!"

When I get REALLY excited to test something, I imagine this. Usually happens in potential romantic encounters.

Also gets accompanied by me screaming internally as if I were Finn from Adventure Time, "YAAAAAAH!"

#9: Role Playas

This episode is heavily inspired by Dungeons & Dragons, hence why it's Dick Figures co-creator Zack Keller's favorite episode. In the part where Cerulean (Blue's wizard) and Maroon (Red's fighter, I guess?) rescue Pinkcess, Cerulean gets attacked from above while climbing the tower that Pinkcess is imprisoned in. Maroon tries to "assist" him with a bow but hits Cerulean twice in the back. He then switches to a crossbow, kills the mook with a headshot, but then...

Cerulean: "Oh, final--" (shot in the back) "AH, GODDAMMIT!"

Maroon is just as much of a consistent idiot as his real-life counterpart Red. It's not explained why Maroon did this last shot--I don't think it's an accidental miss, though, considering it has been 2 seconds since the mook was killed and the tower isn't super distant.

I thought Red was cool when I was younger, but looking back now as a young adult makes me hate him a little more, not gonna lie.

Red to Pink: How dare thee ruin D&D night, wench!

What exactly was Pink waiting for? Is Pink one of the players, or was she waiting for Red and Blue to finish their game before Blue and Pink go on a date? Still, a standard D&D game, I think, is 2 hours while a Critical Role episode is 4 hours long, the same length of time Pink waited.

I broke my friendship with Aby and YoSquid due to 3 D&D games in a row that they didn't make it to despite me not scheduling them. These absences were due to various reasons such as having to study or go to sleep...though I admit I was late once due to an awful Internet connection.

I didn't have this line in my head since I didn't watch Dick Figures for a long time at the time, but it recently popped into my head after watching "A Hobbit of Thrones" and noticing how similar Pink and Stacy played compared to Aby and YoSquid.

Still, screw school for ruining D&D nights...except it's more of a fiend, not a wench.

Blue: Roll for sadness. *rolls dice* Critical fail. *faceplants onto the table*

I had no idea what a "critical fail" was a long time ago because I had absolutely no clue that this episode was based on D&D, let alone its rules.

For those who don't know, generally, the higher a dice roll, the better the results, such as a higher chance to succeed in a task or higher damage. A "critical fail" refers to a 1 on a 20-sided die, almost always meaning catastrophic failure.

But in this case, assuming I take this literally (since a high roll, for example, in Deception means you're more likely to deceive someone), wouldn't critically failing a sadness roll mean you're not sad at all? Given the context, it should probably be "Roll for happiness. Critical fail." or "Roll for sadness. Natural 20."

In my early days of D&D, I often joked around with others--even non-D&D players--about getting certain rolls for certain skills.

I still do it now but to a lesser extent, instead preferring to use Genshin Impact references.

#10: Attack of the Pwns

Raccoon: (blasts a ship) "I have no idea what's going on."

In this episode heavily inspired by Star Wars, Red and Blue fight each other with fleets of spaceships. Raccoon passes by alone with his own ship and destroys one of Red's ships along the way to get it out of the way then says this line. Little does he know Red and Blue are fighting because Red ate the last burrito.

One idea that Mark Manson often posts on social media is that none of us truly have any idea what we're doing. As we learn more, we simply go from wrong to slightly less wrong--we approach the truth but never truly reach it. Kinda like limits in calculus.

I basically say this line in my head when I don't know the complete story behind an action or situation.

"That was the only thing in the fridge! You know I love frozen burrito!" "You know I love pissing you off!"

Yeah, Red not caring about eating the last burrito reminds me of my bully mentality--I still have it now. I often annoy people I hate--for example, by sending my mom cute videos or killing someone repeatedly in a competitive multiplayer game.

Blue: "Look, we keep arguing about this and die a horrible fiery death in the sun. Or we can escape in those jetpacks over there. Just sayin'."

I'm not 100% sure if I copied this line correctly. Zack Keller (voice of Blue) spoke it REALLY quickly. Some students have criticized me for speaking slowly in lessons--I have a physically hard time talking quickly even in English which is my mother tongue because of my Asperger's syndrome.

But anyway, when I want to soften a sentence or group of sentences in a casual situation, or when I don't expect an answer from the other person, I say, "Just saying."

Facebook Dating RAGE MODE! Attempted Roasting, Lack of Intelligence, and...Genshin Impact!?

Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer. I don't fully understand the Data Privacy Act. I don't know if this qualifies as "journalistic, artistic, literary, or research"--this is a personal rant.

WARNING: Contains sexual content.

Forget what I said about not liking those who weren't worthy of likes. I finally caved into my rage. Sending a message technically counts as a like in Facebook Dating, but sending a scathing message, I think, neutralizes that like. I want to point out how idiotic these Facebook Dating people (both boys and girls) are to get them out of their comfort zones...mostly because I feel Blood Knight urges.

The first time I got a like back after doing this, I roasted a girl who wrote in its (not her) profile in misspelled Filipino, "I'll mess up your life." (I won't give the original Filipino due to the sensitive nature of this conversation.) I find derogatory flirting confusing--after all, I read Mark Manson's "The Dismal State of Flirting in English-Speaking Cultures".

Unlike other people with Asperger's syndrome, however, I can understand a lot of idioms, sarcasm, and other non-literal speech. This one, however, lacks any obvious sign of joking (not even a "charot"), so I attacked the profile in two ways: literal and non-literal. "If you're joking, then it's not funny. If you're not joking, then fight me. Why did you say this?"

I put emphasis on "why" for this post because, honestly, I know very little about today's Filipino teenage culture. I have many bad impressions about it, including but not limited to hedonistic, lazy, self-entitled, and stupid. I would greatly appreciate being proven wrong.

Anyway, this was what I got as a reply (grammar mistakes removed): "The one who's not funny here is you, bruh. May I ask if you have a sense of humor? Because, obviously, you don't. Obviously, that's a joke, but you treated it like it's the truth. Dumbass. Sigh. Anyways, bye."

Notice the emphasis I put on the question. Not gonna lie, I was willing to answer this question--after all, I fight like Beidou IRL. I watch Genshin Impact meme videos every day.

But then, it (not she) blocked me immediately afterward. The little booger didn't even give me a chance to answer its question. Hmph. Such closed-mindedness. It didn't even realize I was attacking in "multiple directions".

But that's not gonna stop me. The fire within me is still fueled.

I admit that I expect potential romantic interests to be responsible for themselves. That includes their own bodies; for this one, I attacked a fat girl who simply stated that it wants a responsible man. I said (and I kinda regret it) that "[Your boyfriend] can't do all the dirty work for you and he's not mandated to."

I was countered by my own counter-strategy: "Why not?" Okay, this wrecked my brain for a while, so I spent a morning playing Mr. Tactician. I decided to counter in three ways: a Biblical argument, a legal argument, and a psychological argument. In my head, I prepared for these counter-arguments respectively: "Human law and perception are flawed. God is perfect." "God isn't real. Science can be disproven. The law demands obedience." "God's laws don't apply to the modern world. Politicians don't always take science into account. Science is reliable." As such, I cited the fall of Egypt due to the Hebrews being abused, the lack of law about boyfriends and girlfriends in the Philippines, and the fact that balancing life is important, as well as the desire of boys to sometimes be themselves rather than a "slave" to a love interest.

I was asked to translate to Filipino because of the "depth" of my arguments, so, with some difficulty, I did it with as little English as possible...and, honestly, some textbook/newspaper words.

I simply got in reply, "OK, so what?" Is there a trope about defeating a smart person with stupidity? Perhaps this is an example of "not giving a fuck".

I absent-mindedly replied, "...What can you give your potential boyfriend?"

"My love and loyalty."

"And how can you give 'love and loyalty'?"

(Very rough translation) "Depends on what the person feels."

With intentional bad grammar, I wrote, "okay i give up you win" I wasn't sure how to counter this argument considering the flexible nature of this deceptively simple answer. But, looking back now, do you think I can counter with something outrageous like "What if your boyfriend is extremely passionate about (something girls likely aren't interested in like gaming)?"

Yeah, this is why I don't like debates: I struggle to answer when I'm counter-attacked.

Then why are you starting debates?

Aside from Blood Knight urges, I still have a bully mentality; I like to pick on people who I think are intellectually weaker than me. (Does not apply in physical combat; I attack my stronger brothers when I'm angry at them.)

Okay, next story: (Some grammar mistakes and text lingo were intentionally left.)

Most people hate perverts. No surprise there. There are lots of profiles that explicitly say they say pass to perverts if they don't outright bombard them with swear words. I, in particular, am very aggressive towards people who I think are perverts...even though I have never been the target of a pervert. As such, I attacked a transgender (likely a biological male) who described itself as having a "nice rear" and being a "good su....r" ("sucker", as in a "dick sucker"? I'm not sure). "Simp. Fight me," I said.

I let it attack first. Simping needs no introduction, I think.

The little booger "countered" by asking, "Where you from?"

I countered with a partially sarcastic insult using upper-class words: "Nice question. How utterly impolite."

It just made the question seem more "polite": "Oh I'm sorry. Where you from? Though :)" (exact writing) Why'd he add "though", though? It's barely any different from his previous statement. Perhaps it's 外国人の日本語 (gaikokujin no Nihongo; foreigners' Japanese) translated into English; けど (kedo) means "though" and is often put at the end of a sentence to soften it. In Filipino, when showing contrast, I start sentences with "Kaya lang..." which I translate into English as "The problem is..." (example: "Kaya lang, hindi ako magaling mag-Filipino." "The problem is I'm not good at speaking Filipino.")

Language stuff aside, the booger most likely didn't get the point, so I countered, "You do NOT ask someone where they're from as a first question. You ask that later in a relationship. Starting like this is creepy." But in retrospect, I look foreign and I speak near-perfect English--heck, I intentionally didn't add Filipino to the list of languages I speak to hopefully get matches who are more skilled and confident in English and won't put me on a pedestal because of my "foreign-ness" and English skill alone. Besides, most Filipinos, from my experience, can communicate well in English with actual foreigners in competitive multiplayer games.

"Well, I like your humor", it said. Son of a Bisharp. I think these fools are used to derogatory flirting to the point it thinks I'm being flirty.

I absent-mindedly replied with intentional bad grammar, "ok"

"Hahaha you're so cool by the way." Yeah, whatever.

"Ok lets be friend but please talk to me in filipino wahahaa" ...I reluctantly did. All dialogue after this is in Filipino translated to English.

"Why should we be friends?"

"Because you're intelligent--I won't run out of topics when we meet."

"And what can you offer me?"

"I don't know, haha. Virginity kk."

"Eh, then, good luck if you ever get a love interest." "What kind of relationship do you have when your love interest can provide but you can't? Love isn't just about chatting and kissing."

"I can provide--it depends on the arrangement."

"Do you have a job?"

"Yes, of course."

"...And what's your job?"

(Job censored for privacy purposes; it's a legit job)

"...Okay then, you DO have something to offer, assuming you're telling the truth, of course." "However, don't say you have a 'nice rear'. It looks perverted."

"But seriously, my rear is nice." (emphasis added; there's no text formatting in Dating)

"Serious or not, it still makes you look like a pervert."

"Alright! Noted po." ("Po" is a polite expression in Filipino.)

This booger claims to be 27 years old, but oh well, even little kids pretend to be adults on Facebook by setting their birth year so that they're 18 or older. It looks believably like a teen or young adult, though. I'm clearly a young adult based on the pictures I used, and so is it. Has Filipino politeness changed? I know most people my age, as well as teens, wouldn't talk to each other in a casual situation politely. Is the concept of senpai-kouhai now a thing in Filipino culture? (Note that I'm a senpai in terms of intelligence.)

Okay, one more story before the Genshin Impact one (though this was the last chronologically):

I enjoy learning about things that are strange to me. So when I saw a girl who says "yes to chubby [people]", I asked, "Why are you looking for a chubby person? Are you on copium or are you gay? Just curious. No malice intended--I just like researching." (I used "gay" because almost none of these Dating fools say the word "lesbian"--I prioritized clarity.)

"I like chubby ehehe yes im gay"

"...That doesn't answer my question. I mean, what's so good about chubby people? Unless I don't know enough about LGBT people, I don't see why they would like chubby people." I didn't get a reply after that.

That answer...quite frankly blows my mind. Even my 6-year-old niece can describe herself as "cute and funny." It's like asking "LT, why is Sucrose your waifu?" and me replying "Because I like Sucrose." It doesn't explain things like her hair, her brain, or her DPS. The little booger didn't even ask for at least one of us to speak Filipino. (To be fair, my niece is very confident in many social situations. Most young people today are scared to death of most interactions with strangers. Perhaps, for them, it's better not to talk much and reveal little than reveal something significant and regret it later on.)

Anyway, I'm not entirely sure why some girls dislike handsome boys (this specific one says pass to muscles), but I think it's because they think Evil Is Sexy. (Not the Tartaglia kind of sexy--girls in real life love him.)

Genshin Impact

Alright, here we are. Not many people in Facebook Dating explicitly look for Genshin Impact teammates; it has no competition aside from content creation (art, cosplay, etc.) and Windtrace (a limited-time hide-and-seek event). Most people of both genders ask for teammates for popular competitive games like Call of Duty Mobile, Mobile Legends, and slightly less frequently, VALORANT. VALORANT is friendly towards low-end PCs; Genshin Impact is not.

Anyway, this time, I roasted a male who described himself with these three words: "Friendly, honest, bastos (vulgar)". Either it's a daredevil or it has no idea that girls in Dating freak out over cheaters and those with rapist-like attitudes. There's also no context behind the "bastos" part--is it actually very foul-mouthed or perverted, or does it simply enjoy the occasional dark humor? (Note that I'm not sure about the gender identity of this person--it's not explicitly stated. I set my gender preference to strictly women, but of course, there are boys who register themselves as girls, either accidentally or intentionally. There are those who look almost unmistakably like Girly Girls but claim to be "gay" or "transgender". As far as I know, boys are far more concerned about ghosting than sexual harassment.)

I remembered this time to ask, "Bruh, why did you match back?" I expect most "matches" to either ignore my "like" entirely (which IS the most common outcome) or start a flame war with me. This one didn't counter with a flame war, hence my question.

"no reason" "i didn't expect that someone will message me here" In retrospect, boys getting matches is probably so rare that my rude attitude was neutralized by his feeling similar to, say, encountering a full-odds Shiny Pokémon (1/4096 chance with no modifiers in Pokémon X and Y onwards). I'm not just speaking for myself; most boys seem to show no signs of reacting to being matched while girls do, considering how they react to being asked questions.

"uhhh...ok", I replied unenthusiastically with intentional bad grammar. I could've raged at it back with "Do you often do things for no reason?"

"how about you? why do you like me first?"

"You seriously didn't pay attention to my earlier message?" I copy-pasted my roast.

"lets fight?" "friendly fight" I missed these messages since I was drunk-driving cycling. But I talk in an actually friendly way if I want to challenge someone to a friendly fight, moron.

But I deliberately ignored that message because, again, I didn't know how to respond. (Wait, is this why, when I make two requests, I often get responses to only one?)

Instead, I replied to its next message: "so you main childe? i main zhongli and noelle" I'll give it to it: it actually read the parts of my profile that aren't immediately visible. I stated that Xingqiu is my personal hero because of his personality, but I figured some might interpret that as my Xingqiu being well-built, which is incorrect--I'm focusing on preparing for Ganyu and Hu Tao, which is why I stated I main Tartaglia. Kaeya is a husbando and Kamisato Ayaka is a Yamato Nadeshiko, so I think they're popular among girls; I just need someone to help them permafreeze and make their playthroughs easier, hence my choice to put Tartaglia. But I DO have other main DPSs:

"Yes, plus Ayaka and Yoimiya," I replied.

"ow same" "do you have kokomi?" This question was...strange to me. Most Genshin Impact meta players think Sangonomiya Kokomi is a very weak character; she can't get critical hits without massive investment and she relies heavily on her expensive Elemental Burst to do some DMG. TKizaru has shown that, with similar builds and Talent levels, Barbara is superior to Kokomi in terms of both DPS and healing despite Barbara being a free 4-star character.

"Why do you ask? I don't have Kokomi."

"cause i dont have kokomi haha" Again with doing things on a whim with no plan. If I were to ask this question, my purpose would be to satisfy my curiosity. Did the player pull Kokomi because of the meta? Because she's a waifu? Because the player wanted to complete the "Pokédex"? (I attempted to pull for the former two reasons--I wanted to prepare for a potential meta that strictly favors Kokomi and not other healers like Barbara and Bennett. Kokomi-chan is also a tactician.)

"Uhhh...OK. I thought you needed a healer in Co-Op. Barbara and Bennett heal very well for me [and] I got 10k DMG with Dodoco Tales Barbara."

"wanna play?"

I took the opportunity to study the little booger, so I instantly gave my UID and name.

I waited for it in-game but forgot I put my phone on silent--I didn't want to disturb my younger brother with the sounds of notification storms while he was asleep. As such, it took me about 10 minutes to see its message that it couldn't find me even though I gave my UID correctly. It gave its UID instead, so I added it. It took about 5 minutes for him to respond. Slow little booger. I guess I shouldn't rely too heavily on others being seemingly enthusiastic. But oh well. This is a good self-reminder for me to be always 30 minutes early but ready just in case someone will be 1 hour late--some people have canceled plans with me after I was 10 minutes late.

Game On! Andrius and Artifact Farming

Anyway, we immediately jumped into fighting Andrius. It ran Yoimiya and Zhongli; I ran Yoimiya and Xingqiu as those were my best single-target DMG dealers. I probably should've paid attention to its team, but I guess it was okay--we beat the boss. I was out of Original Resin at the time, so I didn't get any loot.

Later, we farmed the Crimson Witch of Flames and Viridescent Venerer artifact sets.

In the Crimson Witch Domain, I used Tartaglia and Diona--Tartaglia for Vaporize and Diona for healing/shielding. It used Kamisato Ayaka and...I guess Zhongli? Fine team choices, I suppose. At this point, I was asked if I can speak Filipino. I reluctantly said yes--after all, this is a video game and I wanted to act like a Jerk with a Heart of Gold (spoiler: I'm a Jerk with a Heart of Jerk), so I felt communicating in a language we both understand well was important for teamwork.

The Viridescent Venerer farming was less...favorable. At first, it ran Eula and Jean--these are fine choices since the Domain heavily favors Physical DMG and all the enemies can be sucked up by Jean then thrown into the air to inflict fall DMG. Muscle memory got the better of me, so I picked Venti and Kujou Sara because I wanted to give Superconduct support and deal huge Swirl DMG...while forgetting that Eula and Jean are melee characters. I switched to Sucrose and Fischl for more consistent elemental application while still Superconducting, but then...it ran Tartaglia and, if I remember correctly, Jean. You do realize that there's a Fatui Electro Cicin Mage in this Domain and she resists Electro DMG (from Electro-Charged), right? I played around with your choice of Eula!

Tsurumi Island, Foggy Memories, and Story Reminiscence?

We later explored Tsurumi Island...for no clear reason. At least the fog was gone for this player. The island for him was mostly unexplored, though, save for the chests. I'm not sure why he still relied on his Electro Treasure Compass to find the chests--I only use it when I've gotten the vast majority of the obvious chests already. Other than that, we beat up monsters along the way...but I forgot our teams. I think I used Kamisato Ayaka?

While climbing a hill near the Moshiri Ceremonial Site, I found out some interesting stuff. First, I can't remember why, but I remember saying, "Y'all (referring to modern-day Filipino teens in general, including this booger) seriously need to improve your English skills."

"What's wrong with the people on Facebook Dating?", it said. This is my rough paraphrase because I can't remember what it said, hence my use of correct grammar. If only I could recover chat logs from my previous Co-Op sessions.

"There's no sane boy or girl in Dating." I generalized for the sake of speed.

"You're right--only boys give likes." Yeah--no kidding. Boys are naturally inclined to "attack", both in actual combat and in romance. While it's not explicitly stated and I didn't want to pry to avoid interrupting the exploration, I have a feeling that this guy has been liked by gay guys before.

It noticed that I fought with surprising agility. It then asked, "What platform do you play on?"

"PC," I said lazily.

"So that's why." I didn't ask directly, but it's probably a mobile player. Otherwise, it would have said, "Yeah, I play on PC too."

Major spoilers for the Tsurumi Island story below.

Some people who have taken the writer Sumida's commission of exploring Tsurumi Island before have reported that their memories were wiped after leaving the island and that the island's local "musical instrument" (actually a signaling device), the Maushiro, disappeared from their belongings. While the memories didn't get wiped from "the illustrious" Paimon (happy now, you arrogant piece of food?) and the Traveler, the Maushiro disappeared from them as well.

Spoilers end here.

Good thing I remember some details from that...frankly nerve-wracking series of quests full of infodumps and puzzles. What I don't remember well is what that booger and I said to each other while exploring Tsurumi Island. Weird effect, I know, considering I remember the Andrius fight and artifact farming more clearly.

Shortly later, however, it had to leave for no clear reason. We played for, I think, 45 minutes. I was actually glad it was over--while I was doing Co-Op, I was talking with someone else on Discord who sent me a meme and I had to politely say that I was...well, in Co-Op.

Q&A in My Head Because I Like Midori Gurin

Why did you keep communication at a minimum?

I respect my teammate's consistent initiative, especially with that "How about you?" question before playing Genshin Impact. Not a lot of guys these days have that--outside of sexual favors, they're just as passive as girls. I wanted it to stay focused on whatever it wanted to do while I played along. It was also a good opportunity for me to see what kind of person it was when given freedom rather than told what to do.

My conclusions? Although it's mostly aimless in social situations, at least, to a small extent, it knows what it's doing in-game. This reminds me of my dad--he's very passionate about work and hanging out with friends but is reluctant to do household chores. I think this guy can do well in an actual job, but I sincerely hope that its potential romantic partner can cover up its weaknesses.

It has not invited me to another game yet and I doubt it will ever happen soon, but if it does, I'll use my tactician persona--I'll be the commander. We're both Adventure Rank 57, so I'll do it in my world so I can choose to start a Domain farm.

This would also be a good opportunity to ask one of my favorite questions for Genshin Impact players: "Waifu or meta?"

If it doesn't happen, I'll extend the offer within 1 week after publishing this.

Actually, screw it, change of plans: I'll like anyone who mentions Genshin Impact even just a little bit in their Facebook Dating profile. Because, y'know, "Another test subject!"

October 14, 2021: Mayhem at a Sports Store

Image from apg.com.au
Note that this isn't the same Decathlon store I went to.

I remember cartoon channels like Disney Channel in Southeast Asia used the word "mayhem" a lot during breaks. I don't use this word a lot myself; I just use words like "chaos".

This week was full of adventure for me. I took Mom on a lot of early-morning deliveries from her bakery franchise to people's homes. Sometimes, I went with Mom and Dad to the mall: one time to look for new gadgets (and didn't find anything interesting), two more times just for me to slack off and explore while Mom and Dad work out.

This particular adventure, however, was pretty big for me. Dad invited us to Decathlon, a huge sports store featuring products for over 70 sports. Mom and my younger brother came with us.

Dad was mainly there to buy a new bike. I wanted gloves because my eczema prevents me from gripping things tightly without slipping or scratching my hands.

But before the Decathlon "trip", I didn't expect that we'd have lunch first at a mall. We ate at a Chinese buffet restaurant--I didn't eat much because my lack of sleep has reduced my appetite. I've been binging on Genshin Impact, teaching, and enduring the noise from my younger brother's military training.

I wrote this part 'cause this'll be important later.

Anyway, the cool thing about Decathlon is that customers can play certain sports...IN THE FREAKIN' STORE. This list isn't exhaustive, but there are tracks for skateboards and bicycles, there are archery targets, there's a pool table, and there's even a table tennis...table.

Mom and Dad seemed to take long to pick out what they want, so my brother and I slacked off by playing a few sports.

Decathlon is so far the only store I know that sells equipment for arnis (a Filipino melee weapon martial art). Not many people go to the arnis section, so we took advantage by grabbing some soft arnis practice sticks and hitting each other with them. Just like in fencing, we kept score based on the number of hits.

This was the first sport we played in the store, so we were in top condition (minus my lack of sleep). I destroyed my brother 4-2 while we both used a one-handed fencing style. Not gonna lie, I felt proud that I beat my brother at his own best weapon.

I mainly used lunges and ripostes; I wanted to capitalize on holes in his defenses and make it hard for him to attack comfortably with close-range attacks. I feel comfortable with lunges, after all.

Mom brought us to a table tennis table later on. I don't know about my brother, but I haven't played table tennis since that one time in...a hotel, I guess? It has been many years ago. Regardless, both Mom and my brother were fairly clumsy with the ball and missed it after just one serve. So did I when I took Mom's place so she could shop more.

I never really paid attention when I was taught table tennis grips in high school, but since I'm a weapons enthusiast, I hold pretty much any object with a handle as if it were a sword. As such, I had my pointer finger pointing upwards from the grip, kinda like holding onto a gun trigger. It felt comfortable, not gonna lie--I was able to serve reasonably well after some fails.

We often sent the ball flying fairly far, causing us to make crazy serves like raising our rackets above our heads. I was often in a panic to serve back a ball that was going so quickly as if I was about to get shot by an arrow.

When the ball did hit the floor but continue to bounce, I tried dribbling it like a basketball, bouncing it on the racket, then serving it back to my brother. He was able to keep up with many of them.

The chaos of our match was such that customers and staff were occasionally disturbed by the incoming ball. They didn't show any signs of disgust or whatever, but I do feel guilty.

One time, the ball even went between the legs of a female staff member. She seemed oblivious to it, though, at least. I was half-nervous, half-laughing in my brain.

I exhausted my energy by running after the ball at high speed each time I failed to serve back. I wanted to flex my speed, after all--I don't wanna be out of practice for when I actually gotta go fast.

As such, combined with my brother's military training (the mandatory ROTC was made law after I completed my Civic Welfare Training Service (CWTS), i.e. volunteering, which counted in place of ROTC), I got tired first. I occasionally held onto the table before serving, for example, while my brother stood up straight the whole time and showed no signs of tiredness. (Or maybe he's just being "socially acceptable" and he's secretly tired.)

At probably the 15-minute mark, we started 3 games where we kept score until 5 points. I lost every single one.

I finally rage-quit after maybe 30 minutes of playtime.

After getting our choices of equipment, we went back to the arnis section and did two more rounds of 5: one where we held the swords with two hands (I used a kendo style), and one where we did the usual one-handed fencing style.

My brother beat me 5-4 in both rounds.

In conclusion, I think I need more endurance training. I'm well-adapted to street fights where the goal is to end the fight as quickly as possible.

Regardless, my brother and I don't get to play a lot these days because we're both extremely busy doing our own thing, so I think this was a fun trip overall.

October 8, 2021: A Very Strange Nightmare: Sibling Fighting, Philippine Politics, and...Baizhu!?

This contains no Genshin Impact leaks. If I leak anything by accident, I apologize.

Note that Baizhu's official weapon type is currently unknown.

On the night of October 7, I got unexpected loose bowel movement (LBM). I felt OK a few hours after pooping...until I was forced to wake up at 5:30 AM due to more sudden LBM pain combined with the noise from my younger brother's Reserve Officers' Training Corps (ROTC; basically the military for college students) training. I pooped once in a hurry...and thank goodness my brother wasn't ratted out for the noise like when I was farting and flushing.

My stomach still hurt a little after pooping, so I stayed awake and inhaled some copium—I mean watched YouTube videos and took a walk upstairs. I thought I can't fall asleep yet just in case I get another sudden LBM attack.

Out of nowhere, Mom invited me to drive our car so we can make a bread delivery. I accepted so I can do something productive while having an excuse to wait out my LBM. Thankfully, I had no LBM attack. The delivery went mostly well, save for us not knowing exactly where we're going.

I ate breakfast then went immediately back to sleep--I taught my last English lesson at 11:30 PM on October 7, after all, so I didn't get to sleep much.

I notice that dreams tend to occur for me most often in the morning and afternoon, likely because I'm in a steady process of waking up. I have to get my mind moving in a way to mentally prepare for the tasks ahead in real life.

And boy was this specific dream very strange...

Not Sure What My Brother and I Were "Fighting" About...

It seemed to have started over...an open world game where you buy a police motorbike by hanging onto a streetlamp!? What I know is, he got furious and started threatening to hit me, not just with his fists, but also...Character Ascension Materials, for some reason.

We didn't escalate too much, thankfully. Mom informed us that a famous female political figure (not gonna say who) called her and wants to talk to me.

I picked up the phone and we had a friendly conversation until...for some reason, this politician pointed out a note under a car tire while getting soaked by the heavy rain. It had a drawing of my Author Avatar, my handwriting, and...this is what made her suddenly get angry: a small "logo" with her name on it.

She gave me a Sophisticated as Hell lecture (can't remember the words) about how the logo I drew misrepresented her, then threatened to hunt me down.

(But she's several hundred miles away from me! How did she know about that note?)

Then it happened suddenly...

A Strange New Genshin Impact Domain

I was suddenly trapped in Genshin Impact. Not as myself or my Author Avatar, though--I was in control of the characters I have in my account in real life, plus a strange new addition: Baizhu.

In real life, I was surprised to learn that Baizhu's name pronounced in Japanese is Byakujutsu, with the "byaku" (白) part meaning "white". (I thought that the "jutsu" part meant "technique" similar to Naruto's Shadow Clone Jutsu, but it's not--they're written with different characters pronounced the same way.)

So my mind was preoccupied with thoughts about Baizhu, hence this dream. Big Brother was right in his comment on my Facebook post about my dream.

Anyway, this Baizhu behaved strangely compared to other characters, not just because he's a Dendro character. He starts off at Ascension Phase -1, compared to other characters' 0. He has to reach Lv. 60 to ascend to Phase 0, at which he resets to Lv. 1. I tried to, but for some reason, I ran out of Mora, even though as of writing, I have more than 6 million Mora in my account which is enough to raise almost 3 characters to the maximum of Lv. 90.

He was strangely taller than the other characters in my team, even though I know he's as tall as Kaeya officially. I was watching Valkyrja's "Wheres Da Beef Mihoyo?!?" (sic) before this, after all.

Instead of starting off with the 1-star catalyst Apprentice's Notes, this Baizhu started with a 1-star catalyst called "Muse" for some reason. I didn't see its stats or description, but it looks like a black tome with some red on it.

The biggest problem with this Baizhu is, at Ascension Phase -1, he can't attack at all or use any Elemental Skills or Bursts. Thankfully, this dream game informed me that Baizhu has to ascend in order to attack, but still, I can't do much without Mora, can I?

A rough recreation of the Domain I was trapped in. I'm bad at building.
Oxidized Copper = Anemo
Ice = Cryo
Leaves = Dendro
Lapis Lazuli = Hydro
Copper = Pyro

Anyway, out of nowhere while I was exploring a Dadaupa Gorge occupied by Treasure Hoarders, I heard the politician's voice again and I was trapped in a Domain (hence why I can't farm Mora Ley Lines).

This Domain resembled a beachfront with dry coconut trees but had very little water. It was basically a tree-filled desert minus the desert heat.

There was a part with five elemental monuments that have to be activated with Anemo, Cryo, Dendro, Hydro, and Pyro. The Anemo monument was next to a lake and the Hydro one was next to the Anemo one, so I needed to activate the Anemo and Hydro monuments at the same time by causing a Hydro-infused Swirl reaction using the Anemo Traveler. The Cryo and Pyro ones were pretty easy to activate.

However, the problem is the Dendro monument. I have literally nothing to activate it with and the politician disabled my ability to leave the Domain. Some hilichurls and a Pyro Abyss Mage appeared later on, but none of them used Dendro (there was no Dendro Samachurl), so I just lazily beat them down with Diona, Kujou Sara, Rosaria, and Venti, a team that was strangely preset. (Baizhu is also in the team as a fifth non-trial character. The Traveler got auto-swapped out for Venti, which is something that doesn't happen in the actual game.)

I woke up immediately afterward to check the time--I was worried about oversleeping. There's no way I can complete that Domain, after all, and I don't want to be subjected anymore to this politician's wrath. After all, we haven't even made any sort of interaction in real life and I don't want to make one.

Clarifications for Non-Gamers

A Domain is basically a video game dungeon; it's a maze of puzzles and monsters.

Mora is magical money that can be used to strengthen characters and equipment.

The elements I mentioned in this post are Anemo (wind), Cryo (ice), Dendro (nature), Hydro (water), and Pyro (fire).

The Swirl reaction is caused by contact between Anemo and either Cryo, Electro (electricity), Hydro, or Pyro, causing the Anemo attack to take on the properties of the other element. For example, a Hydro-infused Swirl reaction has the effects of both Anemo and Hydro.

Elemental monuments must be activated by hitting them with their corresponding element. For example, a Dendro attack will activate a Dendro elemental monument.

An Anemo attack infused with another element can potentially activate two elemental monuments, as is the case with Anemo and Hydro.

Abyss Mages and hilichurls are some of the enemies in Genshin Impact. Dendro Samachurls are a type of hilichurl that uses Dendro magic. Pyro Abyss Mages, similarly, use Pyro.

TL;DR summary: After waking up early due to an LBM attack and driving for Mom, I took a nap where I dreamt of a politician raging at me for supposedly misrepresenting her. She trapped me in a Genshin Impact Domain that was impossible to complete due to me being unable to use Dendro, an element that was required in the Domain.

October 7, 2021 Emergency Life Update: i'm still not ready to graduate -_-*

*intentional bad grammar

Image from Matryx on Pixabay

I was recently informed that I still have to pass 2 courses to graduate. One of those courses, strangely, hasn't been offered for years, so, in a best-case scenario, I'll graduate...by 2022. -_-

As for my planned video last Sunday, October 3, 2021, I encountered unexpected crashes, even when playing vanilla Minecraft with no other programs open and after a clean reinstallation. It's not clear what the cause(s) of the crashes is/are, but I don't think I broke my PC--I can still play Genshin Impact just fine even with Google Chrome open.

Combined with my weekly schedule being almost entirely composed of store work (we're slowly but surely recovering sales after bringing back 2 of our most popular products which were wiped out before by the pandemic), English tutoring, and sleeping, I have little time for myself; in other words, I'm just going through every day while inhaling copium.

(My parents hate the copium meme because of the opium part of the name potentially getting me in trouble with the law. I think they shouldn't be worried because copium, as well as hopium, are well-known memes in US politics, as well as competitive gaming and Genshin Impact.)

Additionally, I have a hard time sleeping because my younger brother has Reserve Officers' Training Corps (ROTC), sometimes in the early morning when I'm still asleep. He has to make responses similar to the "Sir, yes, sir!" heard in Full Metal Jacket, then, after class, he banters with his fellow recruits with laughter like one would hear in a high school/college party, along with an occasional and random "Sir, yes, sir!" making me think his "casual" chat is being moderated by a drill sergeant.

He has to do this ROTC stuff in the same bedroom I sleep in due to technical limitations. I can't sleep elsewhere because either it's uncomfortable, it's dirty, or it's the parents' room--I toss and turn when I sleep which makes the bedsheet extra messy. Also, because of the tiny size of our house, I can hear my brother in all his booming loudness.

It's a necessary sacrifice I must make so my brother can serve his country, however, so I tolerate it. I just hope this ROTC thing won't last for more than 1 semester.

Anyway, classes start on October 11, so it's back to me being offline for 3 months to focus on my studies.