D&D Story Interlude: Can't Punch with Hamster Paws, Can You?

Image from Wikimedia Commons

Se-Ti-Fe-Ni Woes

The night before I wrote this blog post, I ranted on my Discord server about an ESTP Brawl Stars-playing student I had. Brawl Stars was under maintenance at the time so he wanted me to play another game on Steam...but it turns out, #1, he doesn't have a Steam account; #2, the captcha was behaving strangely; Steam wouldn't let him create an account no matter how much he tried and I helped.

I suggested to him that we play a .io game like Krunker instead since this kind of game can be played on a browser with no download required; players can jump straight in. For Krunker specifically, this kid asked me to play shooting battle royales before so I wanted something that also has guns. But he seemed to act as if I didn't say anything. (I think unhealthy Ti can be prone to singular, inflexible thinking. I'm sometimes like that.)

So I did the usual aimless thing I do as a bored INTP in my classes and asked a whole bunch of random questions when a student seemed unenthusiastic (*cough* most Japanese and Japanese-like teens *cough*). Long story short since I don't remember most of the details, I was bored of his simplistic answers and lack of curiosity and self-expression except for when...a pilot friend of his supposedly used an iPad and a MacBook while flying a plane. (I will take this with a giant grain of salt. I dislike his use of Fe and low Ni and Si: he invited me to play Minecraft Bedrock Edition once and although I was unable to play at first, I invited him months later and it turns out he hasn't even bought the game. Don't invite people to a game that you can't even play, darn it! On another side note, I'm worried I'll run into kids and elderly people like this as a technical support agent. A call center boss would have fired me on the spot given the intentionally blunt way I talked in that "English lesson".)

Alevius Plots to Take Over Amidst the Chaos!

In the middle of my rant, Glacie, my Singaporean friend, interrupted, ranting that Discord servers seem to suddenly fall silent when he starts talking. Alevius, my American INTP friend, replied that she's thankful that none of us (me, Aby, Glacie, and YoSquid) thought that she was a rando and that they welcomed her with open arms. I expressed how impressed and thankful I was but also regretted not giving Alevius a proper introduction since I was the leader and I invited her. She was OK with it...but she also put a code block saying:

(My master plan to take over LT's server is progressing nicely...hm, what, me? Nothing.)

For context, I put code blocks to represent in-game events in Dungeons & Dragons (D&D) and to separate them from my personal statements as the Dungeon Master (DM).

The Battle for the Admin Throne Begins!

The events of this battle are just for fun and do not reflect our characters in our current Lost Mine of Phandelver campaign.

Turn 1

I was somewhat unsure how to react to that completely random statement so I thought of playing along with the code block thing. On the D&D channel, I started an impromptu boss battle while stealing text from Pokémon Sun and Moon when fighting a Totem Pokémon:

ALEVIUS appeared!

ALEVIUS's aura flared to life! Its INTELLIGENCE rose sharply!

Go on, LT! I know you can do it!

Alevius's normal Intelligence score is 17 (+3). Since "rising sharply" in Pokémon raises a stat by 2 stages, I added 4 to the score, making it 21 (+5).

I make an Intimidation check to scare you off of taking over my server.

I admit that Intimidation check description was super lazy; my Ti got rekt from all the previous stress. Since I scare Filipinos in real life with my brains, I used Intelligence instead of my weaker Charisma...and I got a natural 1. Makes sense since I was on an Fe grip.

Alevius runs amok, not scared by one little tactician over in the cyberverse. "Your punches can't hit me if you don't know where I am!"

"You're just lucky I'm on an Fe grip and my Ti is still coming back. I'll bite you with my brains. Take this! Concussive Smash!"

I bonk you with an overhead swing with my baseball bat!

My dad owns an aluminum baseball bat. I classify it as a greatclub, hence the Concussive Smash weapon action and the 1d8 bludgeoning damage. I know Dazed inflicts disadvantage on Wisdom saving throws, not Intelligence which Alevius specializes in as an artificer, but I prioritized flavorful roleplay since in LT's head, a good bonk to the head destroys spellcasters' brains and impairs their spellcasting.

I rolled a 19 to hit and dealt 7 damage. Alevius got a natural 1 on her Dexterity saving throw. (Yes, I incorrectly used Dexterity instead of Constitution. My bad. Either way, she got Dazed.) I thought this was a pretty good start; we both rolled nat 1s and LT dealt big damage to her.

He then used Cunning Action to disengage and stand on top of a car. I set this battle on a modern battlefield.

Turn 2

Alevius summons up her weapon, a drawing tablet, and draws a nerd-faced Xingqiu on it!

In my D&D games, I allow my players to do all sorts of ridiculous actions including but not limited to Telnior dealing emotional damage with an insult (even though he's a sorcerer, not a bard) and YoSquid asking Glacia to dress like a sexy female orc, use an AoE buttered popcorn attack, and gross people out with a butter-stained hug. This is no exception.

For context, Xingqiu is my #1 favorite character in Genshin Impact because, like me who developed a heroic personality because of video games, he got his heroism because of martial arts novels. We even have similar hairstyles.

Anyway, I made LT make a Wisdom saving throw and got a 20 (not natural). I laughed in real life at this attack so I wrote:

LT laughs out loud but keeps his mind focused, eyes flashing a piercing gaze toward the gnome!

ALEVIUS's attack missed!

If the saving throw failed, he would've taken 1d8 psychic damage and gotten disadvantage on his next d20 roll due to his distraction.

LT then whips out his smartphone, opens a WWE video on YouTube, and at the sound of the announcer, LT goes for an elbow drop!

I was imagining the whole "Watch out! Watch out! RKO!" thing but I know Alevius doesn't watch WWE so I deliberately saved time by not needing to provide context on what an RKO is. Besides, the elbow drop is one of my signature moves IRL; I never seriously paid attention to how an RKO is performed since Randy Orton is not one of my favorite superstars.

Since LT hasn't hit level 4 which is when I'll multiclass him into a monk—he only has 12 Wisdom—he only dealt 3 damage.

Turn 3

Alevius threatened, "Just you wait until I have Fireball (if artificers can learn it)..."

Good thing I learned a whole bunch from videos about improv. I replied with a variation of "No, but...": "Sadly, only the Artillerist subclass can learn Fireball. But you do have one of your fancy-schmancy Nihility-fueled (as in debuffing) Experimental Elixirs that can transform your enemies..."

This potion casts Polymorph on a target the potion is thrown at but uses a Constitution saving throw instead of Wisdom.

"How dare you attack a gnome smaller than you are! This'll knock you down to size!" Alevius throws her Experimental Elixir with the intention of turning LT into a tiny hamster!

For context, Alevius has a pet hamster named Sweet Potato. Before I invited her to my friend group, she regularly kept me updated with what was going on with that little chonker. Since my Author Avatar has an Evil Dragon Form, she joked, what if LT had an Evil Hamster Form?

With a proficiency bonus of +2 and an Intelligence modifier of +5, the spell save DC is 15. LT got a 15 but despite it being a success, it's only a small one so I felt like being nice. Instead of transforming LT's entire body, I transformed his arms: his most important limbs in combat since I'm much better at punching than kicking IRL because of my 9-year boxing training.

LT narrowly resists the potion's effects with a deep breath to avoid breathing the fumes...but they get into his skin anyway! His arms transform into tiny hamster paws!

"NOOO!!! How dare you take away my ability to use weapons!? Fine! I'mma fight you in other ways!

LT attempts to kick Alevius but struggles to maintain balance without his arms!

I inflicted disadvantage on LT's kick since in real life, I use my arms to assist in balancing my body, aiming my kick, and defending against attacks out of nowhere. Hamster paws are way too tiny to have any sort of meaningful impact. Guess what? He got another nat 1.

I made it even worse and funnier by making him make a Dexterity saving throw and it was yet another nat 1.

LT spins so horribly off-balance that he faceplants onto the ground!

LT took 2 damage!

That was a 1d6 roll, by the way.

Also, I have been obsessed with the word "faceplant" lately.

Turn 4

Alevius grabs two crossbow bolts and uses them to pin LT's clothes to the ground.

She got an 18 and a 13. Since LT can't move, I removed the AC bonus from his Dexterity, meaning he only had 11 from leather armor.

Both bolts hit! LT's long sleeves are stuck to the ground! With his hamster arms preventing him from breaking free...

LT surrenders!

ALEVIUS gained 700 EXP. Points!

STAGE CLEAR!

Turns: 4

Heroes: Alevius

LT wears a leather jacket, by the way.

Aftermath

I took Alevius's statements seriously and gave her admin permissions on my Discord server for a day. Don't worry—I fully trust that she will moderate the server well.

She was shocked but curious at the same time how the other members would react. I'm curious too. It's gonna be a mega troll for sure.

More importantly, this joke battle helped both of us relax in time for Alevius's work and for me to finish my students' notes for improvement.

So yay for us living happily ever after! The end. Suck it, Brawl Stars kid!

Moral Lesson: Enjoy the company of a friend with unhinged humor. Play along and laugh together. Remove stress. Profit.

D&D, Lost Mine of Phandelver Part 2 - Dice Ups and Downs Be Like...

Sorry this post took so long to make. I was so caught up in Japanese classes and lack of sleep. We've been getting a lot more morning delivery requests but my 8 PM to midnight English teaching schedule remains unchanged. My brain was fried.

Special thanks to someone I know very well who I will codename "楽・このみ Konomi" who read the first part of this D&D story! Not gonna lie, I'm surprised you know about orcs.

I felt kinda brave and confident with my reasoning behind having D&D every Saturday. I was particularly motivated by the fact that Alevius and Glacie were quick to say they were fine with it so...here we go again! Another episode in our adventure! Not gonna lie, I didn't expect this to actually happen so quickly so I think I can turn this into a whole series.

As a last-minute attendance check, I reiterated the schedule to the team 35 minutes before the game. Everyone was quick to confirm their attendance so we chatted a bit before the game to give the team some time to wind down in case they were busy with something else. Aby and Alevius discussed dengue while Glacie and I discussed the Swarm Disaster in Honkai: Star Rail. YoSquid started out by saying he was just playing Disgaea and Glacie briefly mentioned he also used to play that.

Once the conversation slowed down a bit, I asked my players if they wanted to start early and they said yes!

By the way, that pre-game casual conversation was unplanned. In retrospect, it was really nice I allowed the team to enjoy it because I've heard of D&D games that were disrupted because of players discussing non-D&D things for way too long. It also allowed Alevius to break the ice more with Aby and they seem to be getting along well. Keep that up, you two!

Mission Briefing in the Stonehill Inn

I'm gonna share a lot of this whole conversation with you readers because I think it's actually fun. It brings out the personalities of many of the characters.

LT was just about to go to bed after witnessing YoSquid's Exodia auto-win causing the goblin to be sent to the Shadow Realm faint when Telnior suddenly inquired, "What's our plan for tomorrow before we turn in?" LT summarized the details Gnome Alevius told him regarding some orc marauders on the Triboar Trail. In the meantime, Gnome Alevius was neatly arranging the adventurers' bags to make it easier to move around in the room: a nod to Alevius being an accountant whose Introverted Sensing (Si) is improving.

Telnior questioned Gnome Alevius about whether or not she had permits to build and operate her machines. She refuted this by saying we'll be in the middle of nowhere...and I agree with her—being the main characters, it's natural that the law enforcement on the Sword Coast would be incompetent.

Telnior replied, "I mean, gnomes are pests though..." *gasp* "Are you OrCIST?" (Context: I made one of the goblins in our first session racist so I guess Aby is playing along.) Aby asked to roll for "utter horror" so I made him roll 1d20 + his Charisma modifier (+3). He got a 13...and he described it as Telnior being "moderately horrified". In my head, I imagined it as Telnior scaring Alevius with that racism accusation...but in retrospect, I should've asked him to make a Wisdom saving throw against Gnome Alevius's DC of 9 (10 + her Intimidation modifier of -1). Considering his Wisdom modifier of +1, Telnior would have resisted the feeling of horror...especially since Alevius described her gnome by saying "Intimidation does not work...like, ever."

While everyone else slept on normal beds, Gnome Alevius was fine with the fact that she didn't pay for this room and was just invited for free by LT's gang so she slept on their backpacks. Don't worry—given her light weight, she didn't crush the contents!

As a way to give respect to the innkeeper (yes, my real-life moral standards leak into D&D), I imagined the beds were comfortable so I had LT say, "That was a better nap than expected! How do y'all feel?"

Telnior lamented, "One day closer to death T-T. How about you guys?"

Glacia complained, "The bed seems to be too hard. My back aches a little... Ouchie."

YoSquid's comment was quite different. "Ahhh, another day, another person to (steal)—I mean to befriend!"

Gnome Alevius flashed a cautious glance at YoSquid, fearing that her shinies may be his next target.

YoSquid kept up the greedy urges, cackling as he smelled gold. Though Gnome Alevius closed all her bags just in case, YoSquid maintained a sharp eye.

I promised myself many months ago that I would give YoSquid a chance to steal stuff for good instead of causing chaos like he usually does so I had LT suggest that, instead of the orcs ambushing people, we could ambush them and then get their weapons and sell them off. Everyone was on board with the plan: Glacia with her ranged attacks, Gnome Alevius with her distracting machines, Telnior with the opportunity to test his spells, and YoSquid not having to deal with the consequences of stealing from innocent people.

With a plan prepared thanks to quick ideas from everyone, LT politely bade goodbye to the innkeeper, relayed Glacia's complaint, and the team moved out.

Preparing to Ambush the Ambushers

I pictured the party as being deep in the Triboar Trail in the direction of Wyvern Tor to the east of Phandalin.

Almost everyone searched the area with Gnome Alevius checking if the area seemed orc-friendly and LT climbing up a tree to gain a higher viewpoint. They all got high rolls...except for LT who got a pathetically low 3 so his vision was too heavily obscured by the leaves. I thus let the team discover an orc eating beef at the bottom of a cliff based on several very clear clues like footprints, orcs' body odor, and the smell of non-orc blood.

Guess who's the only character who didn't roll? YoSquid who just sat there being lazy. He gave a "Good job, team! So proud of us!" but that was it.

Gnome Alevius tried to comfort LT but failed because of her low Charisma. Yeeeaaahhh...inferior Extroverted Feeling (Fe) do be like that. But the real Alevius is really nice to me so I let LT take the gnome's support in a nice way.

Telnior inferred that someone fought the orcs before and LT confirmed it, saying that there were only orc traces here (aside from those who fought the orcs). (In retrospect, that was not a very good conclusion given the possibility of orcs working together with a smarter kind of evil humanoid.)

Glacia suspected the blood was from animals killed by the orcs. LT refuted it, saying that the blood smelled like his own and was different from the smell of meats commonly eaten by humans. (Yes, I have smelled my own blood IRL such as after killing mosquitoes that bit me recently.) Not gonna lie, though, that was still a decent argument given that Glacia's favored terrain is the forest which I imagined this part of the Triboar Trail to be.

Before doing something about the orc, Telnior asked LT to come up with a plan. Alevius and YoSquid quickly got ideas: checking for a nearby scouting party in case we get counter-ambushed and...just going Leeroy Jenkins respectively. LT suggested defeating the orc in combat before interrogating it: a balance between my bloodlust and hunger for knowledge.

Once everyone else presented their ideas (Glacia was fine with simply killing the orc), Telnior presented his: diplomacy. I rolled with it since I think it's unfair to just fight, fight, fight as Blaine Simple pointed out...as much as I greatly enjoy fighting.

Rollercoaster Diplomacy

Telnior volunteered to do the diplomacy as he was the character with the highest Charisma score. Everyone else hid in bushes or treetops in case the diplomacy went wrong; the party could jump out and rescue Telnior.

LT was naturally the first to come up with this hiding idea. He found it exciting since sneak attacks are his specialty—they feel to him like "free kills".

Glacia hid on a treetop as befitting of a forest-specializing ranger.

Gnome Alevius, being naturally terrified of larger creatures, hid to avoid being an orc meal.

YoSquid hid because, in his own words, he is definitely not lazy.

Glacia and YoSquid initially both rolled a 9 in Stealth but I allowed them to reroll by having LT quietly point out that their legs were sticking out. It's not THAT low of a roll given an orc's Passive Perception of 10. The two elves eventually got excellent rolls so everyone was fully hidden within the leaves.

Glacia was relieved while YoSquid commented they went from the worst to the best hiders. Hehe.

Telnior started approaching the orc with an "Eherm." to avoid startling him.

The orc snarled at Telnior cautiously.

Telnior initiated a casual conversation. "Uh, hello, friend! Enjoying the beef?"

The orc aggressively ate the rest of his hunk in one go and threw the bones behind him with great force.

"Yes! Very tasty. Now what do you want?"

"Just friendship, old boy."

I wanted to give the orc a bad temper and comprehension so I wrote in reply: As soon as you said the word "old", the orc's voice rumbles and he flexes his arms, greatclub in hand. "I AM NOT OLD!" LT quietly pulls out his dagger just in case.

Telnior reassured the orc that he was just trying to be nice then asked where the orc's friends were.

I had the orc immediately reply with his friends' location: a cave at Wyvern Tor. I wanted to make him gullible.

"How many of them? They all eating beef like you?" I like the way Telnior replied—he was casual while trying to get juicy info.

"I forgot...Five? Ten? Sixty-nine? And yeah, we all love eating beef. Boss is quite picky with high-quality cows."

In the middle of the conversation, Telnior rolled a 22 on a Perception check and found a shiny golden-looking dagger on the orc's belt.

He told the orc that he could make the food last longer...and even multiply it given how food can spoil during travel. In return, the orc could show him the golden dagger.

Unfortunately, Telnior rolled a natural 1 so the orc immediately and fiercely refused. (In retrospect, this was very good diplomacy so I should've given advantage.)

Telnior took a more action-oriented approach: he told the orc that he was actually going to show the spell to preserve the orc's meat. At the same time, he made a hand signal for the party to get ready. Instead of targeting the meat, though, Telnior fired a frostbite spell at the orc's face!

However, the orc succeeded in his Constitution saving throw.

I should've given disadvantage since this orc was unprepared. Either way, the orc was surprised. In my house rules, being surprised also forces a creature to move last in initiative order.

The wild ORC was surprised!

Roll for initiative.

"Aim For the Head!"

Upon realizing the orc didn't feel a thing from Telnior's spell, he called out to the rest of the party, "MORONS, LITTLE HELP HERE?"

"I was just eating popcorn and playing a card game while you were talking," YoSquid replied...probably casually.

Telnior gave YoSquid a "look of supreme hatred".

Initiative order:

YoSquid

Glacia

LT

Alevius

Telnior

Orc

"Looks like the TCG will have to wait!" LT tosses away his hand containing Plunging Strike and The Bestest Travel Companion!

YOSQUID'S PHASE

Because everyone besides Telnior was emerging from the bushes, I gave YoSquid advantage on his first attack: a handaxe throw to the orc's face. However, it bounced off his skull, leaving only a minor scratch.

The wild ORC took 2 damage!

At least YoSquid justified it by saying, "Wow, it's been a while since I fought someone that my damage is basically nonexistent."

GLACIA'S PHASE

With a straight shot toward the orc's throat, the arrow pierces through like going through a haystack!

The wild ORC took 8 damage!

LT'S PHASE

"I gotta keep this orc pinned down! I'm rushing in!" LT puts away his dagger and grabs the spear on his back.

He performed a head-on rush with his spear pointed straight forward. However...I rolled a 6. Aby commented "Bro is tripping on air." while Glacie narrated "*tripped and poked himself with the spear*" and YoSquid said, "That's rough, buddy." Turns out...I forgot to give myself advantage. Oh well—I guess it's for the best since I'm using a DMPC.

"Aw, darn it!"

The spear rush completely went over the orc's right arm!

The wild ORC avoided the attack!

ALEVIUS'S PHASE

She used a pretty basic ray of frost attack against the orc, aiming for the face once again with an attack roll of 18...but suffered from the same pathetically low damage as YoSquid. It was a fail resembling Telnior's too since they both tried to use ice spells.

Again, this orc is almost unfazed and unmoving!

The wild ORC took 1 damage!

ORC'S PHASE

The wild ORC is too surprised to move!

At this point, I gave the next turn to YoSquid...but completely forgot that Telnior hadn't taken a turn. Aby thankfully reminded me.

TELNIOR'S PHASE

He spent his action to make a Sleight of Hand check and steal the dagger from the orc. Thanks to a roll of 16...

With a quick flourish of your hands, you swipe the dagger clean off the orc's belt!

His hands are a bit too cold to fight back so I'm giving you a free action! Go for the attack!

Telnior unfortunately rolled a 10 which was not enough against the orc's AC of 13. He felt kinda clumsy—melee combat isn't something he does well at but at least he tried.

TELNIOR's attack missed!

YOSQUID'S PHASE (for real this time)

"I use my longbow to shoot an arrow into the heavens and hopefully land into the orc's skull!"

And he scored a natural 20! I didn't expect this video game-style trick shot to land but it worked! With a flash of holy light, the arrow descended upon the orc's skull and...

A critical hit!

The wild ORC took 13 damage!

In my house rules, it's possible to KO a creature with any type of attack, even most attacks/spells that insta-kill (except a few like power word kill). YoSquid chose to go for the KO so...

The wild ORC was knocked out!

Your party gained 40 EXP. Points!

STAGE CLEAR!

Turns: 2

Heroes: Telnior and YoSquid

An orc normally gives 100 EXP thanks to its CR of 1/2 but I chose to double it to 200 (divided to 40 per character) because of Telnior's diplomacy and YoSquid's epic crit. YoSquid replied with the image below:

Glacia and LT were naturally shocked. She guessed that the orc had a thick skull while he guessed that the handaxe made for a great opening. Alevius added...that the orc took an arrow in the knee.

Ooh, Shiny!

As any respectable video game adventurer would, we started investigating the orc's body, mainly the loot.

Gnome Alevius started with the golden dagger, saying it was "too fancy" to have been made by orcs. She only got a 10 on an Arcana check so all she learned was that the gear on its hilt was of artificer origin.

YoSquid rolled a 14 on Investigation and learned that the orc was probably just a scout taking a break thanks to his light gear.

YoSquid later looted the orc and, in addition to the usual gold and weapons plus the magic dagger, he found...a crude drawing of Gnome Alevius. I was inspired by two things here: another part from Lost Mine of Phandelver as well as Gepard from Honkai: Star Rail who drew terrible wanted posters of the main characters.

Initially, I put 6 javelins on the orc but after the game...I know this isn't exactly good DM behavior but I replaced one of the javelins with a spear just so LT can use his signature weapon type. Rogues cannot start with a spear when using an initial set of gear instead of starting with gold—I don't like to subject my players to an initial shopping session.

After some discussion involving the possibility of more artificers being imprisoned in the cave ahead and using Gnome Alevius's machines to assist in scouting, we ended the game right here.

Lessons Learned

#1: DON'T FORGET TO GIVE LOGICALLY REASONABLE ADVANTAGES/DISADVANTAGES! I'll give myself a +1 red flag point for that. Keeping track of details is honestly tough when I'm so focused on predicting what my players will do next...but I have to use those details to maximize the feeling of destroying a monster more easily than usual.

#2: Copy the initiative order somewhere like a notepad.