My Real Life Dungeons & Dragons Classes

Rogue, Level 2

I don't have a tactical pen.
Impersonating John Wick will do for now.

This is my starting class. I've always been sneaky as a kid, usually when my video game consoles get confiscated. I was basically how a kid would imagine a pirate (besides the whole seafaring thing): I loved searching for "treasure", whether it's the toy I lost under a rack or a video game console that my parents hid.

In the supermarket, whenever I regrouped with my parents after splitting up, I often snuck up behind them then gently poked their backs or said "Boo!" (Yes, my parents let me push my own cart.)

In preschool, I often jumped off the last two steps on the stairs.

In 2nd grade, I often did back and front rolls on the floor in the school hallway.

Starting in 8th grade, I can jump off the last five steps on stairs and do diverolls and cartwheels.

Nowadays, I can sneak-attack anyone I know, even if they're fighting me. (Yes, I have an OP sneak attack.) I can quickly strafe to someone's side and punch them on the back. I act chill at first with my punches, then suddenly throw a lightning-fast punch out of nowhere while my opponent is not paying attention--usually after a feint.

As for thieves' cant...I actually don't know it yet, but I do have a small memory of made-up words and phrases, as well as words with changed meanings, like the following:

Alcohol = water

Anabolic steroids = any food with protein

Cattle feces = a swear word substitute (Self-reminder: Never use this phrase ever again)

Drunk = the state of having drank too much water

Explode = to fart

Gluttonize = to eat a lot of

Jordneck = one who is both a jock and a nerd

Old man bladder = offensive term for someone who pees more often than average

Steal = to take someone's turn without permission, usually with video games

For Cunning Action, I once put a booger on my big brother when I was angry with him. He chased me but I got away quickly, so there's the Disengage part. Nowadays, I just hit and run by stunning someone with a punch to the face, gut, or groin first.

I can't properly explain the Dash part, but I guess it often goes along with my Dodge action. I can weave through thin gaps within crowds of people while keeping my arms up in case some fool throws a punch out of nowhere. Other times, after I use the Help action on a stranger, I flex my speed by dashing.

I don't recall ever trying to Hide immediately after an action like Attack, but I can probably do it by punching someone in the face or gouging their eyes before hiding. I can definitely Hide after a Dash, though.

Higher Rogue Levels

I want to be ready in case I have to be stuck in the wild due to war, natural disaster, or the apocalypse, so I want to take the Scout subclass.

However, I'm not skilled yet with surviving in the wild--the closest I've gone to camping was sleeping on a mat on my roof deck, which didn't have a roof at the time. Mosquitoes were the only annoyance.

Uncanny Dodge and Evasion are features that I may eventually get as I spar more often and do more physically demanding roguish deeds. Right now, I'm better at parrying than dodging.

I guess I use Uncanny Dodge when I move so fast that, when our family's crazy dog scratches or bites me, it doesn't hurt much. 

For Evasion, when I attempt to dodge something but fail, it doesn't hurt much either. This occurs when an attack targeting me doesn't hit cleanly, such as a face punch hitting my ear instead.

I'm far from having Reliable Talent--I still get my investigations wrong sometimes, and I still sometimes get caught sneaking around at home.

The Scout's Ambush Master feature is amazing. It goes well with my preference for the front lines, as well as my sneak attacks.

Monk, Level 3

This is obviously from my martial arts experience--I've trained in a boxing gym and watched self-defense videos.

I know D&D monks are designed to resemble martial artists in movies with the whole meditation, humility, and self-improvement things, but I defy some of those characteristics. Remember, I'm a chaotic neutral whose starting class is Rogue--while most monks have very little use for material possessions, I aim to be rich.

I haven't been to many fights besides my sparring against Coach G-Force and YoSquid, but I know I'm a cut above the average Joe in technique, so it's reasonable that my unarmed strikes do 1d4 damage. (I imagine black belts and trainers do 1d6, Olympic-level athletes do 1d8, and champion athletes do 1d10.)

As for monk weapons, I like to strike with both ends of a spear as if I'm using a bo staff. I think I can do quick wrist-only motions with clubs and hand axes as if I'm throwing a quick punch.

I think most people walk from 2 to 3 km/h. I normally walk 5.5 km/h, though I can hit 6 km/h if I'm extra motivated.

I jog 7 km/h when I'm in lazy workout mode. When I need to get to an important destination or when I'm extra motivated, my normal running speed becomes 10 km/h.

I normally sprint 15 km/h, but I've exceeded 20 km/h before. Yes, I've broken the 20 km/h speed limit for crowded streets...with my feet. (Note I couldn't find a legal source on the Web, but I know there are signs on some streets in my neighborhood with such a speed limit.)

However, if I'm carrying something heavy, I get reduced to jogging speed.

I can certainly do a Flurry of Blows--I can comfortably do 10 hits with boxing gloves and 20 hits with bare hands. It's admittedly tiring, so when training, I extend my arms very little.

I can't properly explain Patient Defense, but sometimes I reduce my attack power and frequency when focusing on how my opponent moves. I was once sneak-attacked by a Gold's Gym trainer while I fought another trainer, though.

As for Step of the Wind, I only use it for extending my jump distance--up to 2 meters for a long jump. For Disengage and Dash, I use Cunning Action.

By the way, I restore my ki in two ways: thinking of romance (once per long rest) and taking a rest.
Also, instead of using Wisdom, my ki save DC uses the following formula: 8 + proficiency bonus + Strength modifier. Thus, as a level 6 character with 13 (+1) Strength, my ki save DC is 12.

Yes, I can deflect missiles, though only blunt ones. In dodgeball, I lazily disregard the "catching only" rule, so I block dodgeballs with my forearms and karate chops. I still have trouble catching projectiles, though.

I wanna practice with a tennis ball machine at some point.

My subclass is Way of the Open Hand. The Open Hand Technique can knock an enemy prone, push it 15 feet away, or prevent it from taking reactions.

Interestingly, I don't always use an "open hand" (or palm strike) to perform the effects of Open Hand Technique. For knocking prone, I do a DDT or pull someone's leg.

For shoving, I break the enemy's defenses first and knock them off-balance then do a double palm strike to the gut as if I'm pushing a box...though I'm not quite sure if I can push someone 15 feet away. I think it's just 5 feet.

For preventing reactions, I make them flinch somehow, such as with a forceful punch to the gut.

Higher Monk Levels

If I learn more about parkour and acrobatics, I might eventually gain Slow Fall...or rather, resistance to fall damage.

Stunning Strike is one of my favorite monk features, especially because it can be combined with Flurry of Blows and Extra Attack to stun up to 4 enemies in one turn. This can end street fights VERY quickly since it forces my enemies to writhe in pain or lose their balance to the point that they can't follow me while I escape or defend themselves while I pummel them into oblivion.

The feint + gut punch combo is my favorite way to do this, but I think I can also pull it off with a face punch or groin kick.

I'm not sure what would realistically have resistance or immunity to nonmagical "physical" attacks, but I guess ki-empowered strikes would be good against enemies whose bones I may have trouble breaking. I would get this feature when I play D&D, though, because many late-game monsters are resistant or immune to nonmagical attacks.

I am first and foremost a rogue, though, so I'd stop gaining monk levels when I become a level 6 monk.

Barbarian, Level 1

Video by XP to Level 3

I think, besides super strength, the first thing that comes to mind when talking about barbarians in general is "RAGE!!!"

Yes, contrary to what my parents think, I have bad anger issues. I react negatively to being insulted, being asked a stupid question, being confronted by authority, or even hearing someone raise their voice due to what I think is anger.

I still rage-quit games while shouting "screw this!" or "I give up!". Interestingly, I don't break anything due to this rage except my punching bag, and I just tell my fellow players that I need time to relax before playing again.

I'm not 100% sure how much anger-causing is enough to give me the effects of D&D rage, but when I am angry enough, I become very destructive and difficult to stop.

I break out of being grappled more easily...unless that grappling is done by a much heavier or more muscular martial artist.

I normally move 4 km/h while carrying heavy objects without flexing my speed, but while raging, I can move up to 9 km/h. I think I can even exceed 30 km/h on a bicycle?

I can shove an enemy further with my Open Hand Technique while raging--about 10 feet.

I can break someone's forearms by banging them with hammerfists over and over, making their face vulnerable to an even more painful Flurry of Blows.

Speaking of Flurry of Blows, I don't need ki to use it while raging.

I don't flinch at all when punched or when I accidentally hit myself.

I have something that makes my rage different from the D&D version: I gain Dexterity-related benefits while raging.

I add both my Strength and Dexterity modifiers when attacking with finesse or monk weapons and unarmed strikes since I flex my muscles to the max while maintaining proper technique.

I think I steal stuff and plant contraband faster while raging.

I once dodged a close-range spit attack while raging.

I weave through the my house's difficult terrain much quicker than usual while raging.

Since spellcasting doesn't exist, let's say I can't do intense mental work like school work while raging. In fact, school work only adds to my rage.

As I explained in my post about my D&D ability scores, being physically damaged a lot has contributed to me being more durable, which is why I use the barbarian's Unarmored Defense instead of the monk's.

Interestingly, while barbarians normally live outside of civilization, I actually like the city. I'm not used to living outside a city, so being in a rural village feels unsettling and sometimes dirty.

Funny thing is, I also gain the effects of Rage while thinking about romance. I think to myself, "I bet I can impress this lady by beating this criminal to a pulp and saving the day! I can't let anyone innocent get hurt--especially the one I love!"
Fortunately, romantic thoughts don't stop me from doing school work. Then again, school work suppresses my romantic thoughts because of how stressful it is.

I don't plan to gain any more levels in Barbarian because I rarely attack recklessly. My roguish and monastic abilities are far stronger than my rage.
If I do get a subclass in Barbarian, I'd take Path of the Berserker, which is really just pure rage.

What about other classes?

Artificer

I don't actively do crafts...though I used to make paper guns and cardboard swords. As I said before in multiple posts, I am good with computers, though.

I think Mom and Big Brother would make good artificers though--Mom can find unconventional uses for mundane items and Big Brother is an engineer.

For my artificer subclass, I'd take Battle Smith. Rogue, Monk, and Barbarian lack features that support or defend their allies, and I value my friends, so Battle Smith, thanks to being able to summon a steel defender, will allow me to protect my allies.

Bard

I have almost no musical talent, though I can whistle melodies fairly accurately.

I used to play the flute, but I broke it. -_-

I'd choose the College of Valor as my subclass. I want to make sure my allies always fight at their best performance, which is important if I'm to earn the respect I need as the leader of the pack. (My friends often choose me to lead them in battle--I'm usually the bossy nerd in the group.)

I think my former crush would make a great bard. She's a diplomat, she plays the violin well, and she can paint.

Cleric

I'm not religious...though if I could learn only one 1st-level spell in real life, I'd choose cure wounds. I'm already strong, fast, and tanky, but I won't take my chances in case street jerks hit my friends or the innocent.

I'd be a Life Domain cleric if I were more religious.

Druid

I'm not knowledgeable enough about plants or animals, so this is a no-go.

If I had to pick a subclass, it would probably be Circle of Dreams.

Fighter

Along with Rogue, I often get this class when I take the quiz on easydamus.com.

While I have no formal training on any weapon except fists, I've watched a handful of YouTube videos about some basics on swords, spears, and bows, and I incorporate some of the techniques I learned in boxing in weapon combat, such as twisting my hips when I thrust with a rapier or spear. I've also paid for some archery sessions before, though they were more recreational than educational.

I can comfortably wield many random objects as weapons. I can parry punches with a book or a chair and I can stab someone with a pen out of nowhere. I wield umbrellas as if they're rapiers, mops as if they're quarterstaves, and baseball bats and golf clubs as if they're maces.

I know fighters don't come with proficiency in improvised weapons, but I don't really care. :p

I'd choose Archery as my fighting style since I'm already a powerful melee fighter, and being good at ranged combat helps balance me out.

I could've chosen Defense but it requires me to wear armor, thus becoming redundant with my Unarmored Defense and preventing me from performing the monk's Martial Arts and, in the case of heavy armor, many of the barbarian's Rage features.

For my subclass, I'd take Battle Master and these maneuvers: Commander's Strike, Feinting Attack, and Riposte at level 3, Distracting Strike and Goading Attack at level 7, Disarming Attack and Evasive Footwork at level 10, and Maneuvering Attack and Rally at level 15.

Then again, all my attacks are Menacing Attacks for some reason. Even the mere mention of my martial arts skill is enough to send a weak-willed person fleeing in terror, even if I remain polite and friendly.

My younger brother Ivann has the build and skills of a fighter--he beats me in swordfighting and hits reasonably well with a bow and a Nerf blaster.

In D&D, though, he's HeadsHoKer the paladin. He really likes the paladin in Warcraft III.

I'm not sure about YoSquid's weapon skill, but he also wields Nerf blasters well. In Minecraft, he kicks butt with both sword and bow, even though he mainly wields a bow.

In D&D, though, he's a fighter.

Paladin

Again, I'm not religious. I also can't keep promises so I can't take an oath.

If I had to take an oath, I'd take Oath of Vengeance. In a Hytale or Minecraft situation, I'd take Oath of Conquest.

Ranger

I'm not a survival expert...yet. I do favor city, forest, and grassland terrain, though. Humans and beasts (specifically insects) are my favored enemies.

For Hytale, my favored enemies are Trorks and deadeye pigeons.

I think, the first time I took Don't Stop Thinking's D&D class quiz, I got Ranger. I like to use terrain to my advantage in battle, particularly in Minecraft by hiding underground. In real life, though, I prefer to smack someone with a tree branch, bash their head on a tree trunk, or shove them so they trip on an elevated sidewalk.

Sorcerer

I knew how to read at the very young age of 2 years old and I can intuitively learn to use software and play video games faster than others, but other than that, I learned many of my current skills through either working out or reading/watching videos about them.

Does it count if I learn to do journalism, ninja moves, weapon combat, or wrestling moves even without formal training or research?

My mom was born in the Year of the Dragon and she has the ferocity and charisma of a dragon, so I'd have a Draconic Bloodline as my sorcerous origin.

She likes the lightning element, so I chose the bronze dragon as my ancestor--it has a lightning breath.

For my Metamagic options, I'd choose Heightened Spell and Subtle Spell at level 3, Quickened Spell at level 10, and Empowered Spell at level 17.

When BoltOLightnin took Don't Stop Thinking's D&D class quiz, he got Sorcerer.

Warlock

I'm too chaotic to swear allegiance to a patron, and frankly, I don't like any of the patrons available in D&D.

Wizard

Like Fighter, I think Wizard is very applicable to me. Thanks to the massive wealth of information provided by the Web, much of which I find reliable, it's easier than ever to be as intelligent as a wizard without leaving the house.

Then again, most of my practical knowledge comes from video games since even fantasy-themed games draw some inspiration from real life.

I explained my feats of intelligence back in my ability scores post, but for a quick review, I can easily do mental math, I have many childhood memories, I memorize regular customers' orders and facial features, and I know too many things about Hytale.

I'd focus on abjuration and divination magic. Abjuration allows me to protect my allies while divination allows me to learn information about my enemies--a very useful school of magic for tacticians.

Between the two, I would choose divination.

Conjuration is versatile, but many conjuration spells either deal damage or teleport things. I'd rather rely on my natural speed and strength so I can focus on mastering abjuration and divination.

Enchantment is fun because it allows me to force others to do my bidding or make fools of themselves, but I prefer to intimidate them with my nonmagical insults and speed.

Evocation is also redundant with my offensive capabilities, though I'd learn at least one evocation spell in case my fists can't do a thing.

Illusion is trolly, but it's redundant with my roguish abilities.

Necromancy is a controversial school of magic--I bet knowing it in the real, modern world would get me wanted levels. Some necromancy spells can be used for good, but many of them are restricted to support classes like clerics.

Transmutation looks versatile, but I'd rather "transform" things the real, hard way, again to keep my focus on abjuration and divination.