2021 Christmas Special: D&D Revival with Aby and YoSquid

Huge thank-you to Aby and YoSquid for giving me permission to publish this story!

I...kind of went back on my promise to not propose a D&D game and thought, since this is the Christmas season and we brought our team back together, why not kick one off, especially since my brain is so beaten up by work that I need to relax?

Thank God both of them were free on December 22. However, I had schoolwork and, while it was tough and mind-numbing, this upcoming D&D game gave me the motivation to finish it and have some great conversations with my Japanese students while my friends were still busy.

I didn't really prepare for this game seriously and I didn't want to subject my players to a fight from the start since the evil dwarves we encountered last year were as noteworthy as your average video game mooks. As such, instead, I intentionally made the dwarves disappear with no explanation and froze the Sword Coast, as well as the team, in time and made them awaken from what felt like a coma.

I took inspiration from YandereDev's "organic gameplay" philosophy, as well as some D&D videos saying that the players should have the freedom to make decisions rather than having them heavily influenced by the DM, so I made my own character, LT, lose his memory temporarily. After all, this official D&D adventure, Dragon of Icespire Peak which comes with the Essentials Kit, is designed to be open-world.

Telnior, Aby's sorcerer, remembered that we were supposed to go back to the town of Phandalin to inform the townmaster that the midwife on Umbrage Hill is safe. Unlike LT, Telnior did not feel as much of the coma-like state.

As for YoSquid? He wasn't participating for some odd reason, but I didn't want to waste time since I treated this game as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, so I instead played around it and made YoSquid's elf fighter still in a coma.

Last year, on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being serious and 10 being funny, LT was 2, Telnior was 6, and YoSquid was 10. I should've asked earlier what was Aby and YoSquid's purpose for playing the game, and now I realized that they appreciate humor in D&D, so I tried to make LT into a 5. As such, after trying gentle ways of waking YoSquid up, we went increasingly more ridiculous, such as shouting at him or making fake monster noises. After all, I gotta transfer my real-life voice acting skills too.

We gave up trying to wake him up in the wild, even after tagging YoSquid on Discord. I felt like trolling, so on the way back to Phandalin, I made the team hear rustling in a bush. Telnior threw a stone at it and a human male voice yelled, "Ow! What was that!?"

Two wandering hunters came out of the bush and were suspicious of the team carrying what looked like a dead elf to the naked eye. Telnior responds negatively by calling them "imbeciles" and saying YoSquid is being his usual self. I went for lighter-hearted humor by making LT do a "tribal dance".

Telnior later followed up by asking what the hunters were doing and who they're affiliated with. I got lazy so I just made them nameless wanderers. Telnior responded coldly to their follow-up question by also saying we were wanderers too.

I then made the actual wanderers give us a kind goodbye. "May the wilds protect you," they said.

Upon arriving at Phandalin, Aby asked me if he has any spells to cure YoSquid of his extended coma. I explained that there is no cure; this is a case of "YoSquid is not talking in real life". (In retrospect, I should've added the suffix -itis which is used for inflammatory diseases like myocarditis, tonsilitis, and...ringpostitis.)

Shortly after Telnior joked about torturing YoSquid and LT joining in, YoSquid suddenly announced that he's back after doing an errand. We represented it in-game as YoSquid suddenly waking up from his coma so LT and Telnior were shocked.

After a barrage of insults from us like calling YoSquid a "sleeping beauty" or saying he wouldn't wanna sleep on a rock as hard as his skull, we took a proper rest in the inn.

After waking up, I decided to restore LT's memory to get the team back on track since Telnior remembered to return to Phandalin and, y'know, we want our quest payment. LT's a rogue with a hoarding disorder, after all. I also joked that the townmaster is protected by plot armor when YoSquid asked if he's still alive since we last played over 400 days ago.

Before going out of the inn, I paid homage to the recently released Pokémon Brilliant Diamond and Shining Pearl and joked "I'll fine you 69,420 gp (gold pieces) if you're late!" LT then successfully jumped out the second-floor window after a 16 on an Acrobatics check as LT sprinted to the town hall. Telnior reminded LT that LT was supposed to pay...and yeah, I forgot about that. Oh well. I'm trying to not make LT perfect for the sake of roleplay.

I rolled another Acrobatics check to race to the town hall again...but only got a 9 while Telnior and YoSquid got 20 and 16, respectively. Wow. It's their lucky day.

YoSquid made a dice roll out of nowhere to determine whether or not he will interact with the townmaster. I played along; he got 1 and I got 17. I asked Telnior and he chose to do it reluctantly without doing a dice roll.

I made Townmaster Harbin Wester an extremely cowardly man, hence why he keeps his office door shut and thinks whoever knocks on his door might kill him. He started the conversation with "AHHH! Who's there!?"

YoSquid unexpectedly replied, "Your worst nightmare. GIVE ME YOUR CREDIT CARD SO WE WON'T HURT YOU." So much for "not socializing."

LT had enough of YoSquid fooling around and this is an important conversation, so, while Telnior talked like a normal person to the townmaster, LT grabbed YoSquid and shut him up after a 15 on a Strength check against YoSquid's Armor Class of 14. (I forgot the grappling rules.)

After Telnior introduced the team, YoSquid somehow broke out of my grip with a 17. Yeah, he's the lucky one in this game.

Unsurprisingly, YoSquid kept telling bad jokes. When describing our encounter with the midwife Adabra Gwynn, he said, "Didn't we rob 'em and steal all their loot and cash?"

When Telnior delivered the actual news of Adabra being safe, YoSquid said, "Oh thank you, nice mustache man. And your gold, credit card, passport, and a membership Star Wars card." I know this is medieval fantasy but this joke is just so weird and funny that I played along.

Telnior went physical as well and slapped YoSquid with an attack roll of 17. YoSquid tried to slap back but he only got a 7 which is less than Telnior's Armor Class of 11. Aby then replied with this GIF of a Falcon Punch:

After some more jokes and insults like YoSquid wanting to sleep just a few in-game minutes after waking up, the team looked at the bulletin board for more quests which read as follows:

Dwarven Excavation Quest. “Dwarf prospectors found ancient dwarven ruins in the mountains southwest of here, and have been working an archaeological dig seeking treasure and relics. They need to be warned that a white dragon has moved into the area. Take the warning to them, then return to Townmaster Harbin Wester to collect a reward of 50 gp.”

Gnomengarde Quest. “A clan of reclusive rock gnomes resides in a small network of caves in the mountains to the southeast. The gnomes of Gnomengarde are known for their magical inventions, and they might have something with which to defeat the dragon. Get whatever you can from them. If you bring back something useful and don’t want to keep it for yourselves, Townmaster Harbin Wester will pay you 50 gp for it.”

We reached a fairly quick decision. Telnior simply wanted to rescue the dwarves while YoSquid wanted the gnomes' treasure, so LT broke the tie with a more logical approach being the lunatic tactician he is: the dwarves are isolated so they can easily hide from the dragon while getting the gnomes' treasure might actually allow us to stop the dragon threatening the Sword Coast.

YoSquid thinks this treasure might be a cellphone. I was a little confused at first but also played along with it since, #1, Genshin Impact has guns; #2, smartphones in my Urban Fantasy game idea are the modern-day equivalent of wands, able to literally hack people's bodies by genetically modifying them or glitching their internal organs, among other things.

Aby then asked to stop the game here after a solid 1 hour. Both Aby and YoSquid had fun and I did too, honestly. My brain was tired at this point, especially since I had students to teach afterward. We gladly ended by greeting each other "Merry Christmas!"

Thank you again to you two for completing my Christmas. I hope you, as well as my readers, enjoyed your Christmas too.

Another Serenitea Pot Flex Because I'm Lazy

Wow. I have been so busy these past several weeks. I did some ads for my mom, attended a party with my nephew (yes, Big Brother now has a son), finished two pieces of mind-numbing schoolwork, had my PC's RAM upgraded to 12 GB (because NVIDIA RTX Voice is pushing my RAM dangerously close to 8 GB, causing lag in fights), and...uh, configuring my new smartphone 'cause my old one is too slow even for my usual work apps like Facebook and Google Chrome.

And that's not to mention grinding in Genshin Impact.

Speaking of Genshin Impact, yes, I'm still somewhat obsessed with appealing to potential gamer girls, so for roleplay purposes (basically, I'm playing with the idea that little girls enjoy playing with dolls by making them chat with each other), I'm gathering resources to raise my C6 Xingqiu to Lv. 80+ with Lv. 9+3 Elemental Skill and Elemental Burst. (I'm not raising Sucrose for now and Tartaglia is already double-crowned with a Lv. 9+1 Normal Attack.)

And I know games like The Sims are popular with girls, so I got some motivation to take building my Serenitea Pot seriously with absolutely no "random bullshit go!"

So, without further ado, let's dive in:

Realm Layout: Silken Courtyard (Inazuma-themed)

In retrospect, I could've chosen Cool Isle (the beach resort-themed layout) because I prefer beaches over Japanese-style landscapes, but I guess now, I could defend my choice of the Silken Courtyard because, #1, I'm learning more about Japan; #2, a lot of Inazuma furnishings are suitable for military camps; #3, I'm guessing many girls are weebs.

Kasumi Shoal

I designed this to be a proper entrance to my realm as if travelers are coming from the sea by boat, even though I know for a fact this is the inside of a small teapot. I tried to make it look like a shipyard. Think of that watchtower like a lighthouse.

Players can actually enter from anywhere they like given that I put Sub-Space Waypoints all over the place mainly so they can reach the Teapot Traveling Salesman more easily for extra BP. (Why did miHoYo make that guy so difficult to reach otherwise?)

Aside from the shipyard, I designed Kasumi Shoal to make it feel relaxing in general. This is inspired by how Boracay Island's beachfronts have distant rows of buildings in the background including hotels and restaurants.

When I built this part, I imagined people going into the hot spring, or onsen, while wearing swimsuits. But I should've realized sooner that Japanese people actually go into onsen WHILE FULLY NAKED.

But whatever. This is not true to Japan--this is just my personal design taste.

Boracay combines small businesses with huge ones on its beachfronts, hence the Mondstadt buildings in the background and shops in the foreground. I'm trying to create a sense of hustle and bustle here. It's a shame I can't place generic NPCs here and I've hit my limit of 8 characters who are all in my house.

Madoromi Island

This entire part of my Serenitea Pot is a SkyWars map. Although it's impractical in this game where players can't damage each other, I think it was still fun to do considering I'm a Minecraft player who thinks about that game first when seeing the new floating islands.

This tower that my Yanfei is standing on is much higher than the other islands and can only be reached with a Sub-Space Waypoint. It's designed for spectators.

Yanfei was the announcer and...uh, referee in the Moonchase Festival cookoff between Xiangling and Smiley Yanxiao, hence why I chose her for this SkyWars map.

There are four starting islands since the maximum number of players is four. They are themed after Mondstadt, Liyue, Inazuma, and hilichurls.

For the hilichurls specifically, I put a palm tree because, initially, I wanted to make a Golden Apple Archipelago theme. However, a hilichurl theme goes well too thanks to the whole tribal thing.

Notice that each side has a forging table. It's meant to symbolize a crafting table.

miHoYo, when can we get decorative chests? I wanna put some Exquisite Chests on these starting islands.

This is a test run of me playing "SkyWars". In this shot, the opposing player, RamK, shot a Crowfeather to edgeguard my Xingqiu.

I was focused on roleplay, hence my choice of Noelle and Xingqiu.

Sakurazaki Island

I...don't know what to put here yet so right now, it kinda looks like the Red Light, Green Light game from Squid Game.

I didn't take any screenshots because it's not well-built.

Nodoka Terrace

I chose this to be my house's location since it's the highest point in this realm layout, but not by much. It's still something, though.

This part is heavily inspired by Minecraft, hence the defensive wall.

I know multiple watchtowers are impractical because snow golems do no damage, but this is also partially designed for Hytale and I plan to station ranged attackers that are actually competent and capable of inflicting damage or debuffs.

The gate is protected by a snowman guard because, #1, it has a lower load; #2, again, I already got the maximum of 8 companions; #3, there's a stronger ACTUAL person within the walls.

If I could put someone who isn't a snowman regardless of any kind of limit, I would put Fischl. She's an investigator for the Adventurers' Guild, she wields a bow, and I'm a chuunibyou.

The front yard takes the most inspiration from Minecraft thanks to the multiple houses and tents as well as the farm. Diluc is there to tend it as well as be practically unstoppable when my base is breached.

It's also practical when combined with the forge and crafting table because Tubby is always near the player's house. This minimizes wasted time between complete furnishings and plant growth and collection...as long as I can gather the energy to awaken in real life.

miHoYo, can we see our furnishing progress in HoYoLAB?

I took these shots to make them look as if the wall is complete, but it really isn't thanks to the load limit.

House

Main Hall

Note: This was taken before I replaced Xingqiu with Sayu.

The main hall is... honestly kinda basic. This isn't The Sims so I can't spice things up with a TV. (Or can we once we get to the more technologically advanced Snezhnaya or Khaenri'ah? Or even a potential Honkai Impact 3rd crossover since the Golden Apple Archipelago also brought us its own furnishings?)

This place has a lot of sofas because I didn't want to overload the place with beds. When combined with the beds, there are 9 total places to sleep which is still more than enough since I assume some characters do not want to sleep together on the same bed...but I'm sleeping on the same bed with Sucrose.

I specifically chose Thoma to man the booth because he's Inazuma's version of Noelle and he treats the Traveler to multiple meals. He even suggests that as one of his idle quotes! When he's not cooking, he can keep the house clean.

Xiangling, on the other hand, is focused almost solely on cooking.

Barracks

Aside from roleplay, the Serenitea Pot can be used in gameplay to steadily raise characters' Friendship. This room aims to balance the two so I don't just lump everyone into a random place that makes no sense...which I have lazily done before.

I don't want the room to be monotonous and just put beds, so I put a few extra things: bows for self-defense, a nearby bookshelf for quick reading, that Bennett ending of finding treasure to motivate my team, and a coffee table to discuss literature. Okay, it's mainly meant for D&D in my brain.

I may remove furnishings when I get new characters.

For now, it has Barbara to motivate the team through song. Imagine she comes out of that room to occasionally sing for others like Thoma while he's cooking. This also makes this room serve as a "hospital".

And...Barbara is also one of my least used characters. I only use her when my characters are injured and I'm here in the Serenitea Pot. (Can I have Sangonomiya Kokomi so I can heal Co-Op teammates too without being in combat or using an Elemental Burst?)

Storage Room

This room has a lot of different shelves and cabinets to symbolize the stuff I have hoarded in real life.

Interestingly, I put a sofa and mat mainly to be stored, but combined with the bookshelf, this serves as a comfortable secondary living room.

Noelle is here to team up with Thoma and keep the place clean. This is also a great place to store her cleaning tools and spend her spare time reading to review for future Knights of Favonius exams.

Training Room

In games that let the player customize a base to live in (not purely to fight others like in RTS games), I have a habit of putting battle arenas. This room serves as such.

Drums are my favorite musical instrument; I especially love hearing them in rock and battle music. This allows Xinyan to shine.

I know Barbara is there so the music thing is redundant, but Barbara and Xinyan have very different styles of music. The others may get bored of constantly hearing rock music.

The name "Omni-Ubiquity Net" is misleading, if you ask me. This would've been the perfect opportunity to allow the player to capture enemies so they can, for example, keep hilichurls and slimes as pets or use them as training dummies. Players LOVED the Slime Paradise web event.

Corridor

This place isn't very special either. I put the table and flower pot to have a similar vibe to the main menu screen in The Last of Us.

Do NOT pay attention to the folding screen.

Office

This is the most lazily built room in the house, hence why I put Sayu who is bored and tired of setting this room up. I'm not sure how to spice it up further and I'd rather KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!

This is meant to be an office for me and Sucrose.

Bedroom

ah screw it you found this room just don't call the cops on me (intentional bad grammar)

Jokes aside, I know this room isn't actually NSFW, unlike, say, arranging rocks in the shape of a penis.

The folding screen at the entrance is mainly meant to troll visitors who are less familiar with this house's layout--after all, some players still go "random bullshit go!"

And in case they choose to go in anyway, the suits of armor are meant to tell the visitors to "Turn back, mortal!"

This is the only room with an Inazuman bed. I really like the lavender color--I associate it with romance. This also makes it special compared to the Mondstadt beds in the barracks.

I just want to gently wrap my long arm around Sucrose...

Dick Figures The Movie Nostalgia

Chapter 1

This is for parts that are in both "First Day of Cool" and the final movie, as well as parts that were added to the movie. For parts that were cut from "First Day of Cool", go to Season 4.

Blue: My mom says I drink too much water--that's how come I cry so much... (camera reveals a pee puddle under Blue's crotch) ...and pee.

Yeah, my mom ratted me out a few times for drinking too much water as well.

Thankfully, I can't remember the last time I peed my pants. Maybe when I was a little kid.

"Dude, you saved my life!" "I know!" "What's your name?" "I know. Uh, I mean, I'm Red." "My name's Blue. No matter what happens, I promise: I will always be your friend." "I know. Cuz I'm awesome!" *high five*

To be fair, Blue was a little kid and I would've done the same thing as a little kid because of my desperation. Blue was bullied on the first day of school, after all.

While I wouldn't say "No matter what happens..." at this point, when I promise to be someone's friend, I take that promise SUPER seriously. Not only is loyalty a big positive trait of people with Asperger's syndrome, but it's also my way of rebelling against people who don't take friendships seriously (which, in my head, are most people--I need to change that).

Some people get surprised by my staggering feats of friendship. I helped one of my friends, Aby, edit his Wattpad novel. My Bible study teacher says that I'm the only person she knows who has stuck with her through every Bible study. (What happened to those other people? Did they feel lazy, were they too busy, or did they find a better teacher? I think she's pretty good.) I've been using another friend's Genshin Impact account while she's busy with school since March 2022...and in addition to raising her Sucrose (one of my favorite characters in terms of appearance, combat, and personality), I GAVE HER OVER A THOUSAND OLD HANDGUARDS IN A FIT OF WORKPLACE RAGE.

Chapter 2

"Hey, toots." "Go to hell, Red." "Okay, see you there!"

Women these days, I feel, should be more direct. Some may call it vulnerability...but I prefer to call it honesty and transparency. Otherwise, some boys just wouldn't get the picture.

But to be fair, it's generally not in women's nature to do that.

Regardless, hooray for Pink.

"I've got the perfect gift for you. But first, a story." "Nooo, old people stories!"

I like to think I'm notorious for, despite being 22 years old at the time of first publishing this post, talking too much about myself or my theories to the point I either write in paragraphs or super-long compound sentences or speak for 3 minutes straight.

"As he lay dying, he said to me:" "Fuck you." "He was a douchebag." *Raccoon raises his middle finger*

This was Lord Takagami's first-ever line the viewers hear in the movie. You'd normally expect something eloquent considering Lord Takagami is an evil samurai, but man, Dick Figures REALLY loves being Sophisticated as Hell.

"You're wrong." "Oh?" "Yeah. I'm gonna find the shit out of that sword." "It's going to be very dangerous." "Good. Pussies hate danger and I am not a pussy." *Blue grabs Red's map* "Gimme that." "Oho, yeah. Time to get our quest on! Whoo!" (Chapter end)

Judging by what happens later in the movie, I feel like Blue just accepted the quest because he got offended by a former samurai calling him a "pussy". Still, that takes a lot of guts--I wish I could say the same thing but I'm too scared to join the military or police...and I don't enjoy the rigid rules and etiquette.

When I do something I don't want to do but feel like I have to do anyway, I do what Dennis Prager says: I act like I can do it. Like a samurai, I try to fight to the end once I commit to something.

Chapter 3

"Hey, you! Hiding behind those crates!" "Aah!" "Cartwheel, dude!" "Where'd he go?" "Damn cartwheels every time!" 

These guards are amusingly incompetent.

I actually didn't know how to do a cartwheel until I watched this episode...and I successfully did it without training or carefully observing the animation.

(Referring to the ship with girls) "This one's got boobs and beer..." *Red dashes forward offscreen* (distant voice) "Boobs and beer!"

I'm pretty sure Ed Skudder and Zack Keller are the only ones in charge of the scripts, but still, I don't like how inconsistent the characters can be sometimes. Blue has a girlfriend and rarely engages in hookups except for the one with Sarah Connors in "Terminate-Her".

Still, when I'm enthusiastic about something, you can bet I'll become REALLY fast. I move faster, I dodge better, I type faster, I think faster... You get the idea.

Man, I can't wait to finally do Genshin Impact co-op with a girl I'm in love with.

"Hey, we only have room for one more pallet! Should we load the beer or the life vests?" "Load the BEER! No regrets!" "No regrets!"

The way these USS No Regrets crewmen said "no regrets" was REALLY catchy.

I say this in my head when I do something risky.

Sign: ¡Konnichiwa!

Ed and Zack like Mexican food according to the Kickstarter launch announcement and at least one of the staff at Six Point Harness knows Spanish fairly well. Given how Japanese pronunciation is somewhat similar to Spanish, I can see where this mistake comes from. Japanese doesn't use upside-down punctuation marks.

They probably know some Japanese too, given their use of kanji. Maybe this sign was intentionally gratuitous.

But then again, I think all the passengers on the USS No Regrets are American so they don't have to put the upside-down exclamation marks.

Chapter 4

Son-san: The Raccoon? I hate that guy. His voice sounds-a so stupid.

The funnier thing about this is most raccoons in the movie regardless of age and gender are voiced EXACTLY the same way by Ed Skudder. In other words, it's like Ed Skudder is roasting himself.

(What if Sora The Troll voiced at least one of them? He's a native Japanese speaker who's also fluent in English, after all. He does a lot of Engrish videos.)

I say this about people I hate whose voices I also hate...but trust me: so far, I don't hate any voice actors.

Examples include some politicians and my paternal grandma.

Gettin' mah quest on, singin' the quest song
Watchin' a girl get kicked in the thong
All the girls are like, "Who's that brave-ass dude?"
It's mothafuckin' Red in the Temple of Doom
Boulders, arrows, snakes, and spiders
I'm not scared of anything, not even fire
Creepy-ass castle in the mountain pass
Walkin' right inside and I'mma kickin' its ass

If only this song had a longer version, this would be PERFECT for dungeon-crawling in both video games and real life. I sometimes quietly barge into restricted areas in buildings for fun.

Lord Takagami: We are the Takagami Demon Army. Our blades burn like fire, and our fire stings like ice, and our ice is really fucking cold.

The analogies followed by a Captain Obvious statement. Wow. The use of Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking combined with being Sophisticated As Hell.

This is another line I say when I'm feeling cold in real life. Showering in Christmas without a heater is really fucking cold.

I'm sure Eric Bauza had a ton of fun voicing this line. It's fun for me too.

"Dude, shut up! The cops are coming!" "They're not cops--they're demons!" (music pauses) "Oh, really?" "Why do demons scare you less than cops!?" "Demons don't have guns!"

Context: Earlier while Red and Blue were running from the Takagami Demon Army, Red asked if there are cops coming. Blue bluntly said "Yes."

I think this is a reference to how cops in Grand Theft Auto are impossible to completely annihilate. No matter how many you kill, they just keep coming. You have to evade them.

Also, Red has killed monsters and groups of martial artists before in "Real Dudes Bros Night Man" and "Kung Fu Winners" respectively but actually served jail time in "Fang Angels".

I don't know about you, but demons scare me more than cops. Most cops are good. All demons are evil, no exceptions.

Chapter 5

Japanese Dock Worker: Be very careful with that dynamite. It's going to the exprosion factory.

When I need to be careful with something in real life, I say this in my head because the idea of an explosion factory is just amusing combined with the /r/ instead of the /l/ pronunciation.

"Rowboat triiip! Whoo!" "Would you shut up? I don't know if you've noticed or not, but we're in some deep shit!" "Uh, I think it's called a rowboat."

Having watched "Freshman 15" and never heard the compound noun "rowboat", I really thought Red was talking about a robotrip. Heck, I thought he amusingly mispronounced "robot" on purpose.

Red: That was one time! You're just racist against elephants!

I play this line in my head as a way to tell myself, "LT, relax. He/she only made that mistake once." And when the person did not make that mistake again but I thought he/she would, I jokingly tell myself, "You're racist against elephants!"

On a less funny and more political note, I can't stand how so many things these days are considered "racist" or "sexist", even things that have nothing to do with race or sex. For example, the idea that "math is racist" doesn't make sense because math is made up of objective truths that anyone can potentially learn regardless of race. There are nerds, knuckleheads, and everything in between among all races.

Chapter 6

(Blue's nightmare about Red beating up the bullies) "Hey, baby, this one's for you."

I got this idea very recently because, the day I put this line, I dreamt of Sangonomiya Kokomi being one of my students. She's my 2nd waifu behind Sucrose; she's an option if Sucrose is unavailable.

But yeah, I'm a show-off when I fight the Gold's Gym trainers. I make really loud kiai and I bow after fighting.

"If you fart, I'll kill you!" "Careful, if I fart, I'll kill you."

When I'm actively trying to avoid seeing someone but there's a chance I'll see them anyway, this pops into my brain. It's like I wanna do stuff that gets on this person's nerves like ratting them out for doing something wrong while the mere presence of this person is enough to irritate me.

Most young people and some middle-aged adults these days have easy-to-sting egos so even a tiny bit of brutally honest but polite and constructive criticism is enough to offend them. And...well, I can be brutally honest.

"You're a pilot?" "And an alcoholic! A thousand flights, a thousand crashes! Perfect record."

Man, Cpt Maj Lt Crookygrin PFC Ret must've cost the Royal Air Force a fortune.

When I work under the influence of alcohol water, I say this line in my head.

"Dude, we're screwed!" "Maaaybe not. You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" "Never." "We just get this guy sloshed and he'll be as blind as a pelican!" "Pelicans aren't blind!" "Come on!"

This was actually a GREAT idea on Red's part. For context, Crookygrin is actually on a mission to hunt down Red and Blue but has alcohol blindness so he couldn't see Red and Blue in his aircraft. He quit drinking to focus on this mission.

Red later convinced Crookygrin to drink with him and it worked.

I love it when I turn bad situations around like this.

Just let me chug water and I'll be fit to work again.

Chapter 7

Blue: Oh, shit! Jetpack demon ninjas!

I was seriously convinced these guys would only have tech from feudal Japan. Turns out Red was wrong. The Takagami Demon Army has submachine guns!

I love the occasional sheer absurdity in this movie.

Mr. Dingleberry's newspaper headlines, left to right, top to bottom: EAGLES SEEN CARRYING MAN UP TO HEAVEN, COL. DINGLEBERRY SEEN LOWERING PAPER, JETPACK NINJAS FRIENDS OR FOES?, MIME MURDER ON THE RISE, NEWSPAPER: TOO TOPICAL?, PLANE CRASH IMMINENT

Yeah, this is obviously a huge joke. I love it when pausable shows like this expect the viewer to pause and look at the funny details.

You could argue that it's more magical than the Daily Prophet (the Harry Potter newspaper with moving pictures) given how some of the stories literally happened a few minutes or seconds ago. It even predicted the future!

Chapter 8

Blue to the French waitress having sex with Red: Il a beaucoup de crabes pénis. (He has lots of penis crabs.)

I had to Google Translate this one. Sorry. I don't know French.

I love how the subtitles were animated on this one word-for-word. The "crabs" word moved out of the way when "penis" was put in between. This could be useful for learning languages. That Japanese Man Yuta, what do you think? (Yuta-sensei is also learning French.)

And the waitress actually believed Blue and was disgusted by Red. Oof.

"Ugh. Why are you always bossing everybody around? What are you, the king of Europe?" "We just don't have time for another interrup--" *lights shut off* "--tion."

I feel like it's a tactician instinct for me to tell others what to do.

This line pops into my head whenever I tell someone what to do and they're not very enthusiastic about doing it.

Baguette, baguette, it looks just like a DICK
You bake it in the oven and it smells just like a SHIT
'Cause France's favorite meal is DAT BABY NAZI ASS CHEESE POWER FART!

This song by Lord Tourettes is what actually made me want to buy and eat baguettes in real life. I love it when fictional media has elements of other real-world cultures.

Chapter 9

Lord Tourettes about the Eiffel Tower: Fun fact: This tower was ERECTED in 1889.

I'll never forget the year the Eiffel Tower was completed thanks to this epic line.

Lord Tourettes: (quietly) The last piece of the sword is a FFFFF-FFF-FF-gem, it's a gem, and it's hidden in ASSMMMMM-in a mountain behind your KUHIR-KER-LUR-QWAK-hometown... FANTASTIQUE!

Yes, I wrote it exactly as written in the letter. Despite being "in French" according to Blue, we can see this line on the P.S. while Crookygrin was giving the letter to Red and Blue. Most of the letter was, in fact, in English.

It's addressed to Mr. Dingleberry, but it also makes sense for Red and Blue since Mr. Dingleberry is their landlord.

What doesn't make sense is how this part was written as if Lord Tourettes is saying it despite being signed by Crookygrin. Y tho?

Chapter 10

Narrator (voiced by Zack Keller): And so, Red and Blue escaped from the Takagami Demon Army and the French Police and took a long, convoluted map journey home to find the last piece of the Great Sword of Destiny so Blue can get Pink a birthday present...or something. I dunno--this movie's crazy. Am I in your mind? Are you in mine? Rrrraaaahhhh!!!

When something is uncertain in life, all I can say is, "This movie's crazy."

Chapter 11

*inserts gem into the Great Sword of Destiny* "Rrrraaaahhhh!!! Oh my God, check this out! It is so cool! Isn't this cool?" *stabs a mook* "Oh, boss, that feels crazy."

You'd think in a situation like this, the villain would say something fancy-schmancy like "Mwahahahaha! At long last, I have seized ultimate power! All mortals shall fall before my might!"

But again, I love Lord Takagami's unusually casual lingo along with, this time, the mook's. Even after being stabbed to death, Eric Bauza's voice made the mook use "crazy" as a positive adjective.

"We're in for a huge fight, aren't we?" "You know it! Try to take some notes." "Pssh, yeah, right. I didn't play all those video games for nothing!"

Blue's line sums up most of my fighting style. I really didn't play all those video games for nothing. Heck, I'm now a YouTuber!

"New challenger appears! KO! Flawless Victory! Finish him! Oh my God, this is actually working!" "Yeah, dude, keep doing it!" "Hadoken!" "Brutality!" "Animality!" "Bestiality!" "Gross."

I didn't recognize most of these aside from "KO". Heck, I didn't even know what a "Hadoken" was despite having played Street Fighter. I only learned the move name when I was older.

The others mostly came from Mortal Kombat.

(Flashback) "If you ever want to fight evil, you must keep your elbows straight." "Father, one day, I want to go to America!" "That is not a country yet."

I wonder what exactly it means to "keep your elbows straight" in this case. I think there are stances in kendo with bent elbows.

According to Wikipedia, the samurai existed from the late 12th century to 1876. The US signed the Declaration of Independence in 1776. My guess is this scene was prior to the Sengoku period (1467-1615) since this is a very important war period in the history of Japan.

How does Father-san know about America, though? lololol

"You are Lord Takagami!?" "Did you ever wonder why we have the same last name?" "Impossibruuu!!!"

I loved Raccoon's "Impossibruuu!!!" a lot because the kids' magazine K-Zone used it a lot.

"Father-san, why did you become so evil?" "I had to avenge all the people who have died in the world." "But, by killing people, aren't you creating more people you need to avenge?" "Yes... This way, I can do this sweet job forever!" "You are evil..." "Huhhh... And you kept your elbows straight." "Sayonara, Father-san."

Yeah, that response by Raccoon was very smart. Father-san, on the other hand, was blatantly evil. He seemed happy about it, though, which, combined with the use of the "sweet" word, made it kinda funny, just like when he said "fuck you" to the Raccoon. Yeah, he's a massive douchebag.

In this situation, though, "さようなら sayounara" was appropriate. Japanese people say it when a loved one is dead or they won't see a friend or family member for a long time.

"Boys, your town is in grave danger." "Oh my God! Pink!" "She's probably fine." *Ocho Muerte wrecks a tower* "Okay, we should probably get down there."

When I think a bad situation is under control but it really isn't, I get this line in my head.

Chapter 12

"D-d-dude, I'm slipping! You can't pull me up with just one arm?" "But I'll drop the sword!" "Do it or you'll drop me!" "...Sorry, dude." "What?" *Red drops Blue into Ocho Muerte's mouth* "Nooo!" *chomp*
(back to Blue hanging onto Red) "Red! Did you just imagine dropping me!?" "Mayyybeee... Ah, fuck it." *Red drops Blue and the sword* "Reeed!" *chomp*
"Stop imagining ways to kill me and pull me up!" "Naaahhh..." *Red falls off along with Blue and the sword* "Aaaahhhh!" *chomp*

Red, you troll.

When I'm lazy, I say "Ah, fuck it." and "Naaahhh..."

In instant messaging, I often type these as "ah fk it" and "naaahhh" respectively. Yes, I deliberately do not capitalize them to emphasize my laziness.

"Just stop pooping in my bed, okay?" "I never pooped in your bed." "I've been pooping in my sleep!?" "Naw, just messing with ya. I poop in your bed, but I won't anymore."

Red trolled me AGAIN with this part. Ed Skudder's voice acting combined with the animation is SO good.

"I'm...alive?" "Whoa. We thought you were super dead." "Srsly."

Thanks to this, I now say "super dead" every time I brutally kill something, usually a cockroach or mosquito, but also in video games.

"Young lovers, this sacred lotus flower has kept our love strong for 10,000 years. May it do the same for you." *Blue and Pink bow* "Nintendo." *Papa-san and Mama-san bow as well*

The way I interpret the kanji of "Nintendo" (任天堂) is "Hall of Heavenly Duty". I know this is mainly meant to be a joke but, on a more serious note, I think what Blue meant is he will honor his commitment to Pink. LIKE IT SHOULD BE! Red, take notes.

Credits Animations

Joel Moser

Did you know that some parts of Dick Figures The Movie like the Paris pursuit were actually 3D-animated? Yep. Joel Moser did those. They just don't move smoothly--I think some frames were cut out in-between to show an illusion of 2D animation to maintain consistency.

That plane and those vehicles would've been REALLY hard to hand-draw frame by frame otherwise. Yeah, Joel really deserves those cool shades.

Brock Gallagher

Most of it was party-style dancing...then it turned into him spinning like a ballet dancer. Whaaat?

Was this animation also partially done by Joel Moser? The spinning was very smooth.

Ryan Khatam

He looked like he was on drugs the whole time. That spinning into the background thing was funny to me since I saw it a lot in other cartoons as a kid.

Nick Keller

This one was one of the best including Joel Moser's and Lynn Wang's. The lighting effects and the "YEAH!" at the last frame were sick--they were a great transition to the scrolling credits.

Credits: No animals were harmed in the making of this film. Lots of stick figures were though.

Press F for Crookygrin. Best drunk boi I've ever seen so far.

Autotuned Bee: That shit was crazy! Yeah!

It was.

Thank you to everyone at Six Point Harness, MondoMedia, and the Kickstarter backers for shaping my teenage years. I had an absolute blast.

Related Media

Dick Figures The Movie Kickstarter Launch

Note that, to match the characters they mainly voice, Ed Skudder is represented by red while Zack Keller is represented by blue.

"Is this Ed and Zack?" "Yeah, I want a big Hollywood studio." "Your idea for a Dick Figures movie sucks and I hate you." "Good, I'm glad!" *Ed Skudder drops the phone*

Of course, people talking to someone they hate usually won't sound this direct right off the bat but dang, do I like the amusing way it's voiced.

"Can I go home now?" "NO!"

Yeah...my family has no idea but they should blame this video for why I say "NO!" to them with an imitation of Ed Skudder's voice.

"Please come over."
"NO! I don't wanna!"

(Zack speaking in Blue's voice) "And on top of that, we documented the entire thing, so if you wanna get involved, you get an exclusive look at how an animated film is created and the awesome behind-the-scene world of Dick Figures." (normal voice to Ed) "How was that?" "Terrible. Do it again." *Zack crumples the script while giving Ed a stare of disapproval* "I hate you."

I read that Zack Keller uses his normal voice to voice Blue, but thanks to this scene, I noticed the subtle difference between his Blue voice and his normal voice. Blue's is slightly higher-pitched except in some lines such as "Time to jack off." Notice the differences between how Zack speaks during the rest of this video and while reading his script.

Of course, in real life, Ed and Zack are (or were?) good friends--they studied together in the same animation school and stuck together at least until the last episode of Dick Figures. It's still amusing though when they have an occasional "I hate you." relationship like the characters they voice.

Someone let me know how Ed and Zack's friendship is doing because I don't stay updated with their post-Dick Figures works. These guys really shaped my early teenhood.

Season 5 and Comic Kamikaze - Dick Figures Nostalgia

My Story in Season 5

This is where I steadily lost my interest in Dick Figures. This had some of the longest gaps between episodes: 4 months between "Robot Frog" and "Comic Kamikaze" and 8 months between "Comic Kamikaze" and "GTA: Pacific Grim", the first Season 5 episode. To be fair, Six Point Harness was very busy animating the successfully funded Dick Figures The Movie...but still, the damage was done. My hype for Season 5 was killed by the release of the movie...which I watched over and over because it resonated so much with me--it was the height of my Dick Figures fandom.

The first 3 episodes of Season 5 were released a week apart from each other which was strange compared to the usual 2-week gap. There was then a 7-month delay between Episode 43 "Snowjob" and Episode 44 "DFTM Fan Music Video feat. Ninja Sex Party"...which is where my hype REALLY got killed.

I was introduced to Minecraft in July 2013 and it quickly became one of my favorite video games of all time to the point of overtaking Dick Figures for years in terms of my liking...until now where I felt nostalgia for the show and got kinda bored of Minecraft. (Don't worry, I'll still play it every week! I must continue my training to be the best Hytale general I can be!)

But enough rambling.

"Comic Kamikaze" came out first, though it's not technically part of Season 5. I chose to put it here because I LOVE Season 4 but I feel like Season 5 is just OK.

Comic Kamikaze

Shane Danells's comic: "Hey, did you ever imagine how it would be to be alcohol?" (Alcohol) "Oh my God! He is back! I don't wanna diiie! Aaaahhhh!!!" "I'm a MONSTER!" "Do we really have to talk about this every week?"

Note that I don't consider this canon. I think it's unusual for Red to be concerned about anything or anyone except himself...but it's funny and that's what's most important, hence why it's one of the three winning comics.

Again, this reminds me of my water addiction. And even though I play "I'm a MONSTER!" in my head, it's just for fun. It doesn't make me a monster.

When our dog, Oreo, was a puppy, she would often play with us and go inside the house when we didn't want her to do so. As such, whenever she went inside, I screamed in a pretentiously cartoony voice, "Oh no! The crazy dog is back! I don't wanna diiie! Aaaahhhh!!!"

Sorry to the other artists, by the way. I didn't find your comics particularly funny or touching, but congratulations on making it to this mini-episode.

#41: GTA: Pacific Grim

This episode REALLY enticed me just because of the GTA part of the name, even though I had no idea what Pacific Rim was. Although I had played other open-world games like Jak II before, the Grand Theft Auto series was special to me because it gave the player a lot of freedom to cause chaos and destruction in a wide variety of ways.

But anyway, I think the title was meant to make fun of Grand Theft Auto V and Pacific Rim having very similar release dates to Dick Figures The Movie, with Pacific Rim being released on July 12, 2013, and BOTH Dick Figures The Movie and GTA V being released on September 17, 2013.

Still, I wonder why they changed "Pacific Rim" but not "GTA"... Even Red name-dropped the acronym GTA which made me feel butterflies of excitement in my stomach.

Blue: Dude, this mall is tight. It's got everything. Fro-Yo, Sno-Co, No-Bros...

EXACTLY how I feel when I see anything feature-packed, not necessarily a mall (i.e. it can be someone else's house, a hotel, a video game, or even a website, though being an actual mall is a huge plus).

By the way, I know "Fro-Yo" means "frozen yogurt", but I intentionally write this as a proper noun because there are stalls on the background of this scene indicated with "FRO-YO", "SNO-CO", and "NO-BROS".

(Oh wait--but the mall is literally just called "MALL"...)

(In Blue's brain, a frozen tundra) "Oh my God, it's so cold. Are you still eating Fro-Yo?" "Yeah, I got a brain freeze!" "Let go of that Fro-Yo, bro!" (In the mall) "I'll do it...for my family!" *crushes the Fro-Yo*

This is one of the lines I recite in my frozen brain when I feel cold in the shower, alongside "And since your fighting is weak like wet noodles..." from "Kung Fu Winners" and "...and our ice is really fucking cold." from Dick Figures The Movie. Ironically, this helps me endure the cold by making me laugh with nostalgia.

On some years on Christmas, January, and February, it can feel cold at night. This year, in particular, is probably the coldest Christmas I've ever experienced--even noontime is cold despite the Philippines having no winter.

Game: Brains synchronized. Smart move, idiots.

I had no idea how their brains got synchronized way back then, but now, I know. Red normally doesn't care about Blue's problems, but this time, he did, leading Blue to crush his Fro-Yo.

I didn't really laugh at "Smart move, idiots," but I got the irony. Red and Blue make bad decisions a lot, leading to the general insult "idiots", but this time, they played smart.

I think this is what I tell myself when I do well in a task I'm normally unenthusiastic or nervous about.

#42: Hardcore Chore

I think this episode is where Dick Figures REALLY got serious about making fun of the censorship and denial of ad revenue for videos with swear words and other mildly "vulgar" stuff on YouTube.

In addition to the Cluster F-Bombs thrown in the beginning, this episode used an unusually high amount of Gosh Dang It to Heck! by Dick Figures standards.

Man, I hope Google gets a change of leadership and/or ethical standards similar to Elon Musk taking over Twitter.

Red: Gimme all your groceries NOW! Put it in the cart! Put it in the cart! (referring to half wheat bread) That shit better be whole wheat!

Yeah, I wonder why bread and cereal manufacturers market whole wheat like crazy. That's why seeing "half wheat" on that pack of bread made me laugh: no one says "half wheat".

Red: *sees "Cleaning" on the chore list* Cleaning? Nooo! No--gack--ack--*fart* Aaack... *faints*

Don't pile work on me one after another or this will happen to me.

Okay, not literal fainting. You'll just hear me complain a LOT.

I recently learned that a weakness of people with autism (Asperger's syndrome is an Autism Spectrum Disorder) is they like to do things in routine ways; suddenly interfering with those routines can frustrate them.

Unfortunately, given the constantly changing nature of this family in general, including but not limited to Dad being too busy or pained by psoriasis to leave the house, Mom getting delivery requests that Dad can't fulfill but I can, and my younger brother having unpredictable ROTC schedules, I'm often assigned as the one to deal with family and business emergencies. After all, my personality type is Virtuoso (ISTP) and I'm the household's barbarian, rogue, and technomancer, as well as one of two drivers. The ROTC in particular prevents me from doing English classes and making videos.

#43: Snowjob

Red: *shivering in a blizzard* Oh, why, oh, why, did I get so drunk? I have to pee out of my tree trunk.

This is SO appropriate given my water addiction. How did this slip my mind in favor of "DRINKING! DRINKING! DRINKING!" and "Flippin' over cups, gettin' drunk on Mount Olympus"?

As fun as it is for me to drink a lot of water, I often end up regretting it later on such as when I'm in the middle of a lesson--if I leave my seat, it wastes the student's time and I respect their time too much.

Pink to Blue: Wait, aren't you worried about Red?

Pink hates Red, but I really respect her for this. She cares for her boyfriend's needs. Combined with previous episodes, this is the kind of relationship I like to see in real life...minus the Gratuitous Foreign Languages, of course.

#44: DFTM Fan Music Video feat. Ninja Sex Party

The fan animation clips didn't really appeal to me...and honestly, the song is better when watched along with the credits, so I didn't enjoy seeing this as a standalone episode.

That shit was totally amazing
Your brain cannot even comprehend

I'd normally get suspicious of brands that say something like this unironically but, combined with the drums and vocals, the movie was genuinely good for both my teen and adult selves.

Perhaps what amped up this feeling even further was the ending scene where Blue successfully got Pink a birthday gift. I wanted that feeling of a successful adventure...and romance, of course.

This film had ten scenes of action
And everyone together said "fuck" 21 times, yeah!

I misheard "This film had ten scenes of action" as "Stay still for tense scenes of action"...which honestly still sounds really cool. I loved EVERY action scene in the movie.

Only 21 uses of "fuck"? They actually counted them. Wow. I've watched the movie countless times but never paid attention to the number of uses of "fuck"...let alone the lyrics of this song.

Dick Figures, Dick Figures
Someone get a doctor 'cause this movie's fuckin' totally sick

I knew the meaning of "sick" as a positive slang adjective even WAY back when I was a kid when I played a basketball game on a really old phone. This is the first time I've heard it used as a joke referencing the literal meaning.

Yeah, somebody bring Dick Figures The Movie to the ER.

I counted ten fucking explosions
And jetpack demon ninjas that rocked your face

Yeah...as a teen, I only paid attention to "explosions" and "jetpack demon ninjas". I mean, the movie was advertised to have "Fights. Explosions. Explosion fights." And they delivered. The idea of jetpack demon ninjas sounds absurd...but it happened.

One of those explosions was an octopus
Sorry for the spoiler but it's your fault
That'll teach you to listen to the soundtrack before you watch the movie
I mean, for God's sake, who does that stupid piece of--

I promise I knew none of the tracks used in Dick Figures The Movie after "First Day of Cool".

Still, I'm now having a mild guilt trip for laughs. Hytale released many of its music tracks way ahead of the release but, thankfully, I think none of them are spoiler-y.

Oops, our bad
Sorry about your ju-u--u-unk...
Just kidding, fuck you!
DICK FIGURES!

Man, I'm glad I didn't pay attention to how offensive this song's lyrics are because the ending melody hit me REALLY hard in a good way.

I was trolled into thinking the rest of the music will be slow and somber or something to make me contemplate the dramatic events of the movie afterward...but then "Just kidding, fuck you!" hit and I thought to myself, "Boom! Now THAT'S an ending!"

"Paris Pursuit" played afterward in the movie credits which I think is a great choice given how it's action-packed.

#45: Red Planet

Blue: (excitedly) Oh man, it's the captain! I wonder where we're going...

Blue thinks they got plane tickets, hence the excitement. Instead, they rode a spaceship to Mars.

Speaking of planes, I feel relief whenever the captain of an aircraft speaks to the passengers. It's a break from the usual formal pre-recorded female voices telling us the basic safety stuff. The captain tells us a TON of useful information like the weather, altitude (I think), and distance to the destination...which is very convenient since I easily feel physically uncomfortable even during domestic flights.

Oh boy... Can I potentially survive a trip to the United States? I want to go to Florida because of Miami Beach and Gov. Ron DeSantis, after all...

Captain: Now go complete your mission. The rover is stuck. Flip that bitch over...but flip that bitch over carefully! It cost 30 trillion dollars. Kthxbye.

Why is "flip that bitch over" so funny to me? The voice, man! And the use of a swear word!

Maybe, to motivate myself to do something that requires careful handling, I should say "flip that bitch over" in my head.

#46: A Hobbit of Thrones

At first, I didn't enjoy this episode at all because I got bored with the series as a whole and I didn't know both Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings. I didn't even pay attention when Blue said "This is Dungeons & Dragons, not Game of Thrones!"--he said it so fast.

I still have no clue what Game of Thrones and LoTR are, but having played D&D, I understood most of the jokes.

For those who don't know, a d4 is a 4-sided die and a d20 is a 20-sided die. Generally, the higher you roll, the more favorable the outcome, such as more damage or a higher chance to perform a task successfully.

At the end of the episode, however, Blue said "There! Rolled a d20!" I think he meant "rolled a 20 on his d20", which almost always means a perfectly favorable outcome--in D&D 5th Edition, when attacking, it results in a critical hit.

Note that I'm using the Dick Figures characters' real names instead of their D&D character names for this episode. Red and Blue weren't referred to as Maroon and Cerulean respectively and the other characters besides the Raccoon lacked in-game names.

Blue to Pink: Thou looketh mad sexy in that cosplay outfit. You're giving me a d20.

Too bad there's little you can do to dress up a stick figure. Pink looks normal to the viewer.

Not gonna lie, I'm nervous but mostly excited to see my hypothetical girlfriend wear a cosplay outfit of a character I like. If she wears Sangonomiya Kokomi's or Sucrose's outfit, I'd be literally speechless for several seconds.

I would take pictures with her while wearing a Xingqiu cosplay outfit. No Xingyun (Xingqiu x Chongyun) shipper will stop me.

I'm guessing the d20 joke here refers to Blue's dick size.

Red to Blue: A'ight, Dungeon Master-baiter, let's do this.

Funny how I watched "Hardcore Chore" and knew the word "masturbate" but didn't understand this joke. Oh well--I didn't even know what a "Dungeon Master" does.

In my D&D games with Aby and YoSquid where I was the Dungeon Master, my character was the butt of many jokes. At the time Genshin Impact was released, I was referred to as "emergency food". When I got KO'd by a flock of stirges, they left me to die...and I failed all 3 death saving throws (meaning I actually died).

They changed their mind a few in-game minutes later and did a ritual for the God of Time to wind back the flow of time on my body, resurrecting me in the process. Upon finishing the ritual, the Time God tried to leave with my character being resurrected, but the two interrupted him, causing me to faint again. It happened twice--I made the Time God a little annoyed and I made myself say, "Freaking stop making me faint!"

And don't even get me started with someone I know whose username was changed by someone else to be "MasterBaiter69".

Blue: So, the valiant troupe of warriors trekked towards the mountain of gold protected by a CG dragon with a level 19 Firestrike of the Mighty Hammer!

I should throw in more movie jokes like "CG dragon".

Heck, I could even make game dev jokes: "YoSquid's arrow seems to defy the laws of collision boxes as it pierces all the way through the foul beast's body, dealing X damage!"

But dang! This party must be REALLY strong despite its members'...rather ordinary appearances! I wonder how Blue got the players to agree on being strong from the beginning... (I don't think they've been playing the same campaign for months.) I offered a similar option to Aby and YoSquid but they chose to start at level 1.

Pink: (high on pot) And then fuckin' cheeseburgers came out of the trees! They're treesburgers! Hehehehe...

The tree behind Pink got its leaves turned into a giant cheeseburger shortly afterward.

This reminds me of Regular Show's D&D parody where main characters Mordecai and Rigby realize they can defeat Darthon, the ruler of the Realm of Darthon, using their imaginations. For example, when Darthon "washed away the party with a flood", Mordecai countered with "Our +3 awesomeness repels water!" And the flood didn't touch Mordecai and Rigby at all.

But this brings me a lesson: I gotta learn to play around Aby's and YoSquid's playful antics instead of telling them they're basically not playing how I expect them to play.

Pink to the Trollz0r cloud: And then it disappears and we win and order pizza!

Yes, the Trollz0r cloud actually exploded after this. Pizza slices then rained on the mountain.

Okay, I'm not sure how to play around this as a Dungeon Master. I'd rather play a game with cheats like Grand Theft Auto than have a situation like this in a tabletop RPG, whether I'm a player or a game master.

Red: Then the Red Knight opens a tequila potion! *a potion-shaped bottle of tequila appears in Red's hands*

This reminds me of when Aby handed my character a water bottle before scouting a forest. I made myself make a car engine-like revving sound while maintaining a straight face then I rolled a 19 in my Dexterity (Acrobatics) check and swung like a monkey. I found two goblins camping in the process.

#47: Das Vidiamond

I struggled with this one as well...but here goes.

Red: If it's in a briefcase, it's free! Capitalism!

How to trigger communists and socialists in a nutshell. It's like saying "Voldemort" in Harry Potter--people are scared to hear it.

#48: Trash God

Ant: Behold...the Holy Crap! (shows Red's poop)

The only other time I've seen a "holy crap" joke is in Markiplier's rage compilation.

I love it when expressions are turned literal like this.

#49: Chick Figures

Salmon: (sarcastically) Scarlet. Nice of you to show up... (Scarlet vomits) ...and throw up.

Interestingly, it's usually Blue who tells Red to go away instead of Pink doing it.

If you ask me, I usually won't allow our own friends to accompany us during dates. I've heard some...bad anecdotal stories of these friends ruining dates such as by shifting the dating couple's attention away from each other or by "leading" the date against the will of at least one person (i.e. Let's go do this activity!)

On a first date, I allow our parents to join us to act as guardians...though I mainly invite my own parents to defend me in case of a scam or physical fight--I've been conned before and I'm terrible at disarming.

#50: Happy Birthdump

This episode is exclusively shown on MondoMedia's website...likely again due to the censorship and favoring of long watch times over views on YouTube.

At the time, I didn't like watching videos on sites other than YouTube because I found that they take MUCH longer to buffer even on the same Internet connection. We had a measly 3 Mbps. Now, I can watch just fine.

*gasp* "Where's my car!?" "It's a Mexican place, man! It's probably on cinderblocks already!" *next scene shows a Mexican eagle flying away with Blue's car*

Blue CLEARLY doesn't remember the third rule of Mexico: "STAY IN THE CAR!" (Watch Episode 36 "The Red Devil" for context.)

Mexican eagles in real life do steal, but it's food from other animals. I guess Dick Figures just like to meme on them because they're named after Mexico, a country riddled with crime.

Storefronts: SO MANY TOILETS EMPORIUM, UP SHIT CREEK The Paddle Store, Flushing Gardens

Context: Red and Blue desperately need to poop after eating at a Mexican restaurant whose horribly unhealthy food gave them food poisoning.

Ain't this scene just a mega troll. Torturing the characters by "crafting" their environment based on their immediate and urgent problems.

Again, this reminds me of how I don't like when people complain about being cold when I also feel cold--it makes the coldness worse for me.

"Abandon ship!" "I think I'm about to abandon shit!"

It's rare for Blue to be the funnier one of the two, but that's what makes these lines even funnier.

"Alright, I'll take the toilet, you take the sink!" "I always do!" "What!?"

Blue actually let Red do his dumb idea for once out of sheer desperation. Still, how could he forget that Red always poops in the sink?

Oh well, Red makes messes on a regular basis.

This is a reference to Episode 18 "Sex Marks The Spot".

Combat Breakdown: Hytale Winter 2021 Development Update...With Too Many Genshin Impact Analogies

DISCLAIMER: Based on pre-release information and my own imagination and interpretation, just for fun, yadda yadda yadda.

At the point since the summer 2021 development update when they announced the release date to be "2023 at the earliest" and will intentionally keep things under wraps due to spoilers, I've pretty much accepted that Hytale will remain silent. I've just been going on with my normal life: teaching English, studying painfully complicated stuff for college, selling in my family store, running my new YouTube channel, and, of course, playing Genshin Impact.

So I had mixed feelings when Hytale suddenly announced its appearance on RiotXArcane. I thought, sure, Hypixel Studios is owned by Riot Games, but what's the connection between the new Netflix show (a League of Legends story, by the way) and Hytale? (Turns out there were a ton of crossovers, not just between Riot's other games, but also Among Us and Fortnite. However, the Hytale part was exclusively about Hytale; no crossover stuff.)

New Oasis Biome

I like this new biome--it somewhat reminds me of Genshin Impact's Liyue region's Luhua Pool and Qingce Village which have terrace-like pools of water (which are based on similar pools in China).

Mantling

Although from how I understood the clip, the player can jump up to 2 blocks high and grab ledges up to 3 blocks high, the blog post said that "From a standing start, a player can currently jump and grab a ledge that is four blocks high." This makes travel and parkour so much easier and reduces the need for pillar-jumping, especially in pursuits where the player may otherwise be cornered at the edge of a mountain.

Note the "from a standing start" phrase. In real life, a human can jump higher and further with a running start thanks to momentum. It may be possible that, in Hytale, the player can climb taller heights--maybe 5 blocks high--with a running start.

I'm used to short and realistic jumps in video games, especially Minecraft, so this may take a while to get used to. I also thought at first, "Why are they jumping so high when they're wearing practically nothing (i.e. no equipment enhancing their jumps)?"

Dual-Wielding Daggers

Being a tactician and martial artist who enjoys fighting, you can easily guess that this was my favorite part of the presentation. If you recall from my coverage of the summer 2021 development update, I wild-guessed that daggers would be S-tier. Now, we have some more concrete evidence to verify or falsify that! It's breakdown time!

Note that, aside from the signature move (referred to in the blog post as a signature attack), none of the dagger attacks have any official names, so instead, I'll use Genshin Impact terms. In general, this is how Genshin Impact left-click attacks work:

Normal Attack: Rapidly left-click to perform a quick multi-hit combo.

Charged Attack: Hold left-click to perform a more powerful attack with a special effect.

Plunging Attack: Left-click in mid-air to rapidly descend and strike the ground, dealing DMG upon impact.

Also note that I assume all Hytale attacks, including Normal Attacks and Plunging Attacks, consume stamina, unlike Genshin Impact where only non-bow/Arataki Kesagiri/Equitable Judgment Charged Attacks and Jean's held Elemental Skill consume Stamina.

Normal Attack

As expected of a dagger, its Normal Attack is very fast and, aside from the mace's hilt bash, is the only attack I know that is not telegraphed at all, unlike the sword's Normal Attack.

It appears to hit only up to 2 times, unlike the sword's 3-hit combo. It was showcased in a serious fight against an opposing player, though, so the players were likely more focused on defeating their opponent than making a showcase--if the dagger player attacks too much, they'll leave themselves defenseless. I hope it's not just a 2-hit combo.

Dagger wielders in Hytale wield them in reverse, so it's pretty fun to watch them slashing, even though I feel it's impractical in real life--daggers are best used to pierce just like when thrusting with a spear or sword...and why I'm glad I learned to sidestep while practicing boxing.

Charged Attack

This is where a lot of the dagger's amazing power comes from. It is simply a horizontal dash that can be used to damage distant foes or evade attacks. There is very little, if any, ending lag so the dagger wielder can immediately go back on the move.

Even better: This move can be used in mid-air AND AFTER GETTING KNOCKED BACK! It's just like a lot of moves in Super Smash Bros. like Pikachu's Quick Attack!

Note mainly for Hu Tao mains: The dagger's Charged Attack stops the player's movement upon hitting an enemy instead of passing through enemies like Genshin Impact polearm Charged Attacks do. As such, it cannot be used to evade enemies' forward Dash Attacks or pierce through multiple foes in a straight line.

This Charged Attack works a bit more like Alhaitham's Elemental Skill minus the ability to ascend into the air. (Good thing I'm an Alhaitham main!)

Plunging Attack

There's no dashing involved in this one but unlike Genshin Impact where it's completely vertical, this Plunging Attack can be done from an angle for better accuracy or to quickly slip through gaps in walls. It also inflicts a little more knockback.

As far as I know, only the dagger and the mace have a Plunging Attack. The dagger wielder seemed able to do it similar to a Normal Attack while the mace wielder is locked behind a signature move.

However, this is more predictable than the other dagger attacks because the dagger wielder, like with other mid-air attacks, has to be in the air to do it. A well-executed shield block can easily stop this attack.

Also, I love the sound effect upon impact. It's like really digging deep into your foe's guts.

Signature Move

Similar to the sword's signature move, the dagger's signature move is charged by dealing damage. (I thought it would be charged by landing Charged Attacks.)

The dagger's signature move is simply a 3-hit combo followed by a dash attack with extra knockback. While executing this, the wielder has resistance to interruption and knockback.

I'm not a fan of this signature move. The first 2 hits are identical to the Normal Attack combo in terms of speed (though we don't know how much damage any of these attacks deal). I don't think the player can jump while performing this, so the defending player can either pillar-jump or do an air dash with the dagger's Charged Attack to evade this completely, assuming signature moves are unblockable. Additionally, the first 3 hits don't interrupt the target.

In other words, I see it as an enhanced Normal Attack + Charged Attack combo that cannot be animation-canceled.

Verdict

The dagger brought me a mix of mostly positive emotions. Performing Charged Attacks is VERY satisfying--it lets the player quickly ambush foes, especially since the third-person view does not show much behind the player's back. Of course, we can't forget about its versatile dodging ability. As an evasive frontline fighter, this weapon suits me very well.

The signature move is ironically poor in defense, but it makes up for the dagger's lack of offensive power--the blog post mentioned "steadily chipping away at a foe" which implies to me that daggers don't deal a lot of damage.

The Plunging Attack was a big surprise since I thought it was exclusively available as the mace's signature move. Given how it can be used to drop down diagonally, combined with the higher jump height compared to Minecraft, it can be used to strike foes on slightly higher ground.

The dagger is excellent for patiently taking down melee foes no matter how many or how powerful they are. It'll take a lot of mouse dexterity to hit a dagger player zipping all over the place, especially since they can use the air to their advantage. They're also near-impossible to hit with bows and similar ranged weapons.

However, daggers still have notable weaknesses mainly due to them being melee weapons. A ranged attacker on a high vantage point or separated by a large gap can force a dagger player without a ranged weapon to pillar-jump and/or build a bridge; otherwise, they'll be a sitting duck. Magic can probably negate a dagger wielder's dashing ability with a vacuum field (wind) or by freezing them in place (water; yes, ice is part of the water element in Hytale). For a melee option, a sword-and-shield player can easily block the dagger's predictable Plunging Attacks and, to a lesser extent, Charged Attacks when distant. Because the dagger's attacks cannot pass through foes, a sword-and-shield player can also edgeguard a dagger player on a battlefield that has a risk of fall damage or instant death by falling from something like a floating island or a mountain.

(Note that we don't know how throwing daggers will work. Can only specific daggers be thrown, or all daggers? Can throwable daggers perform melee attacks? Throwing was not shown in the presentation.)

I just have to remember to stay calm when wielding daggers because I have a habit of dashing in Genshin Impact like I'm pressing a panic button. If I dash too much, I'll probably run out of stamina.

Still, I can't believe the dagger player lost to the mace player. I thought the dagger would absolutely wipe the floor with the mace. Either the dagger player played badly, the mace player played well, or both. Eh, if only we knew the faces behind those helmets--I wanna ask those players if they have some competitive experience in fighting games because I feel like they don't.

Also, do daggers really have to be dual-wielded? Can they be viable in other combinations such as dagger-and-shield or dagger-and-sword? Dagger-and-sword, in particular, is viable in real life.

Overall, I put daggers in the A tier.

Now, if only there was an equipment set that increases damage after using a Charged Attack while the signature move is partially or fully charged...

Tactics

Is the dagger good for beginners?

Gamers with a moderate amount of experience with action combat games, especially fighting games like Super Smash Bros., Street Fighter, or Tekken, can pick up the dagger very easily thanks to their honed reflexes.

However, I don't recommend this weapon for casual players. I'm guessing evasion is the dagger's only defensive tactic and it cannot block.

Swords, on the other hand, still attack fairly fast and synergize well with shields which let the player passively block attacks. We're not sure yet, however, if there's a timed block mechanic that can block more damage or negate it entirely.

In PvP, I see the dagger as a weapon that ALL fighters should learn to attack with and defend against, whether or not they plan to be dagger mains. (I plan to be a fist or polearm main for roleplay since I imagine they'll try to balance all weapon types.) It allows the player to exploit split-second drops in their foes' defenses and is currently the most reliable and confirmed way to completely avoid damage. I think dagger mains will also form a large chunk of the competitive community, judging by how enthusiastic CanadianFlash was when he saw the daggers, so split-second reflexes also become important on the defensive side.

Why don't you recommend the dagger to casual players but at the same time encourage all fighters to learn the dagger?

While it is possible to play casually with a dagger, I typically don't imagine PvP to be done by casual gamers in general. In my head, casual players don't seek glory from combat; they may get into a fight or two but as long as they can defeat a foe easily, feel the satisfaction of victory, and move on to the next task such as advancing the story, building their house, or finding treasure, they're chill. That said, if your idea of casual gameplay is mowing down hordes of Trorks with daggers, have fun.

Learning the dagger is something I encourage for players who want to take PvP seriously.

PvE

Monsters that don't use player movesets usually have their attacks heavily telegraphed, making daggers an easy way to destroy them.

However, in addition to struggling with ranged attackers, daggers (assuming not all of them are throwable) are weakest to airborne foes since their Plunging Attacks only go downwards; like all other known weapon types, daggers are limited to the standard 2-block jump when attacking foes in the air.

Vs. Dagger

I admit that I'm bad at analyzing mirror matches but I'll try my best.

Because of how predictable they are, as well as their ending lag, I'd avoid using Plunging Attacks on opposing dagger wielders unless I'm sneak-attacking. Instead, I'd focus entirely on Charged Attacks.

If a battlefield has hazards like fire or obstacles like tree trunks, shield yourself behind them to block the opponent's Charged Attacks then circle around them.

Focus on Normal Attacks and the signature move in cramped spaces where there's not a lot of room to dash around.

Vs. Mace

Being two-handed weapons, maces pack long-ranged attacks aside from the deceptively fast and powerful hilt bash.

In general, a dagger player should bait a mace wielder into attacking first to exploit lag and exhaust their stamina. Get within the mace's maximum range but not within "punching" range and hope the mace wielder does a Normal Attack. If the mace wielder refuses to attack first, launch a Charged Attack and back away immediately--or even better, if your signature move is charged, to begin with, use that thanks to its resistance to interruption.

Mace wielders appear to have no anti-air attacks similar to a Shoryuken, so they're the weakest to the dagger's Plunging Attack.

Vs. Sword-and-Shield

I see the sword-and-shield combo as a hard counter to the dagger mainly thanks to its ability to block. Like other games, successfully blocking an attack inflicts much less lag on the defender compared to not blocking, so this leaves dagger wielders wide open to sword counters. Additionally, there's no startup lag on the sword's signature move so, when fully charged and timed well, a sword wielder can completely stop a dagger wielder in their tracks.

If Hytale shields don't drain stamina while blocking (even if no actual attacks are blocked), then theoretically, a shield wielder would be unstoppable except by overwhelmingly powerful attacks like, say, a Staff of Homa (a 5-star polearm) against a pot lid (one of the weakest shields in Breath of the Wild and Tears of the Kingdom). However, for the sake of this section, assume that Hytale shields DO drain stamina because my brain can't handle thinking of a way to counter an otherwise ridiculously powerful weapon type.

If the sword wielder is a human player, try to intimidate them into playing defensively. I would go "random BS go!" with backing away, Normal Attacks, and Charged Attacks.

Similarly, if the sword wielder is an AI enemy, fight it multiple times to find weaknesses in its AI. Alternatively, maybe wait a month or so after the full release for modders and theorycrafters to do a deep dive on the AI Avatar.

"Into the Endless Sky" OST Review

I didn't expect this track to blow me away. It's more upbeat than all the other tracks I've heard so far like I just wanna wake up and run to the most thrilling adventure spot.

It's a shame that it's only about 90 seconds long, but it's still good. I'm guessing, based on the accompanying clip, that it's a sunrise track.

TL;DR summary: Players can climb up to 4 blocks high. Daggers can dash and do Plunging Attacks, making them really fun for ambushes and dodging.