WARNING: Dick Figures has plenty of profanity and sexual language, so this series will also be full of it. (I'm not sure whether I should restrict this to 16+ or 18+, though.)
CAUTION: Because this series is 11 years old, ALL my commentary on the episodes and Dick Figures The Movie will have MAJOR SPOILERS.
In 2012, when episode 30 "Kung Fu Winners" was the newest episode, I was introduced to the web series Dick Figures by my younger brother who also got introduced to it by his elementary school classmates.
Not gonna lie, before I watched that show, I only said swear words when I was super angry--I never said them even if, for example, I felt pain after tripping on a rock. But thanks to Dick Figures, even now, I say swear words on a regular basis. I guess it was because the stick figure characters and exaggerated animation typical of Western cartoons appealed to my inner child. (I was 12 years old at the time, which is technically a kid and not a teen, but I was mostly treated like a teen by others.)
Until 2014 when I became interested in other things and didn't care much about Season 5 besides episodes 41 to 43, I was addicted to the show. Mom hated it, but I watched it anyway. I always thought I acted like Blue because I was more serious than most other kids/teens I saw in public. And I even tried to print my own Dick Figures T-shirt in a school project...which I screwed up.
Of course, I don't watch Dick Figures actively anymore because I've got new major interests and there are no new episodes, but I admit that there are still real-life situations that make me nostalgic for the show. As such, usually, I will say these lines in my head. Less frequently, I may even say them out loud with an impression of the characters' voices.
Let's break down some of the episodes with lines I find memorable as of writing this post.
#1: A Bee or Something
Not gonna lie, this didn't give me a good impression of the series because I felt indifferent to much of it. Red was introduced acting crazy with an autotuned voice which is NOT his normal self. To be fair, I later learned on the official Facebook page that this episode was made in a hurry, hence the lower-quality animation compared to the rest of Season 1.
Blue to Red: (sarcastically) Oh, man, I feel sorry for you. You had everything. Wow.
I don't enjoy pretending to feel sorry for people I don't care so much about, honestly, but sometimes, I have to do it for the sake of morale. As someone who sometimes acts like a soldier, sometimes, I should only be concerned about the mission, not myself.
#2: Panda Hat
Red was drunk in the entirety of this episode. I know he was drunk with actual alcohol, but this episode resonates with me because I imagine that water is alcohol to encourage myself to drink it--after all, I don't get why actual alcohol is so popular because I hate the taste.
Thankfully, no one has ever told me "Wow, you're really 'drunk'." or something similar after seeing me go to the bathroom a lot.
Red: DRINKING! DRINKING! DRINKING!
Like many Western cartoons, lip movements in Dick Figures sync up with the voice lines. This one is an exception...and I think it's funny. Red just has his mouth frozen open while chanting this line. It feels...strangely motivational.
I can do it too, but it doesn't sound as good. I think Ed Skudder (creator of Dick Figures and voice of Red) said it with the right mouth movements in real life.
Raccoon: I can go all night, baby. I'm nocturnal. Rawr.
I'm not nocturnal, but I think this is also motivational. Especially given that Raccoon is a samurai, this line makes me want to fight to the end, especially if said "fight" forces me to stay up late.
Also, I like how he just didn't care about what the girl next to him said previously: "Ugh, men are such pigs." (The scene cut to Red afterward, so we don't know the girl's response.)
#3: Flame War
"Blue, there it is! The best video game ever released!" "There's only one copy?" "And it's mine. Click-click."
Honestly, I still have difficulty choosing my #1 video game of all time, but for now, I GREATLY enjoy Genshin Impact--it's an open-world RPG with waifus and an intricate combat system, which are all things I REALLY want in a video game.
In terms of having only one copy, I translate this to a more serious motivational quote from Keqing: "In adventuring, as in business, you always have to seize the opportunity while it's there." You gotta hit your enemy while they're weak. You gotta steal the loot when the guards aren't looking. You gotta help people whenever you can.
"I think I'm okay." (walks away) "Frack!"
This is a group of lines I had in my head a LOT when I was in 8th grade in situations involving my high school crush "Keqing".
"Well, guess I'll see you on Fri--" "We gotta get outta here, dude!" "Why?" "C4 yourself!" (explosion) "OVERKILL!" "Dicks."
When I have to suddenly get moving while I'm busy doing or preparing for something fun, or when I have to escape from something I'm lazy to do, I pretend there's C4 near me.
The "dicks" part is what my brain says upon missing an opportunity to get a date or when someone is being a jerk.
#4: Traffic Jams
"What the fuck, man? You broke my airbag!" "Whatever, you don't need an airbag!" (growl) "You're gonna need an airbag."
When someone, including me, does something I think is stupid and then regrets it immediately afterward.
"Is that a turtle?" "That's a fucking dragon!"
I recently re-read one of my college textbooks, "Philosophical Analysis" by Andresito Acuna. He mentioned that ambiguous concepts are concepts that have many meanings; the exact meaning used by the speaker/writer is unknown. For example, let's say I think Sucrose is awesome. Why is she awesome? Is she awesome as a waifu? As a DMG dealer? (It's actually both in my case.)
In this Dick Figures scene, the street Red and Blue are on gets attacked by a giant dragon turtle. Dragon turtles are significantly less popular compared to the bat- and lizard-like Western dragons and snake-like Eastern dragons, hence why Blue simply called it a "turtle".
The funny thing is, later in the scene, Blue gets his things from the car's trunk including some D&D books. And there IS a dragon turtle in the Monster Manual, one of the three core rulebooks in the game.
#5: Steakosaurus
I'm not a dinosaur fan, but man, this episode just hits REALLY hard for me because of the lines.
"I want...to eat...a dinosaur." "Not this again." "I am so hungry! I need to eat the BIGGEST ANIMAL EVER!"
Eating a dinosaur is obviously an outrageous idea. As such, when I see outrageous ideas, I say "Not this again"...assuming I don't say the meme-tastic "Ah, shit--here we go again." from GTA San Andreas.
"You know dinosaurs are extinct, right? They're not like...here anymore?" "Hm. Explain." "No."
When I point out what I think is obvious to someone who doesn't get it, I imagine the "extinct" line. I would prefer not to explain, though, but I do it anyway to hopefully change someone's mind.
When I encounter something ambiguous or vague in someone's statement, I also say, "Explain." I also tell that to myself to encourage myself to expand on my opinions.
"Wait x8. Say-be (sic), they're not even zombies? They're like, for realsies dead? "Yes." "Well, looks like we're gonna need a time machine!" "Those don't exist either." "You don't exist! Yesss--"
The zombie and time machine lines sound to me like someone high on copium who staunchly believes in their own dumb ideas.
When I try to avoid being noticed by someone, I imagine the "You don't exist!" line.
"Ho, hohohohohoho. So, you want to travel to a forgotten time." "Yeah." "You could forever alter the course of history!" "Yeah." "You know it is very danger--" "Yeahyeahyeahyeah, here's 50 bucks." "It's in the back."
Okay, yeah, I'm hypocritical for giving long explanations but also disliking listening to them. (Not reading--just listening.)
Sometimes, I tell my mom the 50 bucks line when I'm bored of listening to her give instructions.
Future Red to a dinosaur: Hey, ugly! Where I come from, you're extinct!
(Oh boy, I hope my superiors in my company don't do a random security check on my blog...)
On March 31, 2022, I got so angry at a certain teen male student (though I tried to suppress it during the lesson).
He's basically your typical lazy student combined with Japanese Spirit. To put it simply, I think his main concern is to finish as many lessons as possible, not to actually improve his English mastery. He doesn't care if I act as energetic as Bennett or as stoic as Diluc or whether he got a perfect score or a lot of corrections. He doesn't ask questions or ask for help even when he's clearly struggling and after I've made it clear that it won't affect his scores.
This time, his behavior was unusual. He took lessons with me for 3 days in a row which he normally doesn't do--he more or less goes "random bullshit go!" Yet he was much less attentive than before--I gave him simple instructions that have been spammed to him in multiple lessons and he didn't seem to understand. He paused a lot more while answering even as I gave increasingly clear hints. However, he instantly responded to "Can you hear me?" and "Daijoubu desu ka?" (I heard no background noise but I angrily wild-guessed that he was looking at unrelated content or chatting on Discord.)
I had a similar lazy student with Japanese Spirit on the morning of April 5, 2022, minus the unusual behavior. He paused a lot without asking for help--sometimes, I thought we were losing connection since I heard no background noise. I had to inform him that it's OK to say "Chotto matte kudasai." (Please wait.) and similar phrases.
I collectively refer to these lazy students with Japanese Spirit as "Nobushi" which are basically bandit samurai. In Genshin Impact, Nobushi are common enemies found in Inazuma, the Japan-inspired region. When defeated, they may say "To the very...end..." which matches up with these lazy students' attitudes towards learning. Nobushi students are also surprisingly common from my experience.
As such, instead of blowing up directly on my Nobushi students, I released my rage by borrowing a friend's Genshin Impact account and KILLING EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM! She doesn't play a lot due to schoolwork so she was running low on most materials...and now, she has an overabundance of handguards which Nobushi drop. I once promised her that I would give her 20 Famed Handguards (which are exceedingly rare) in 1 week...and I did it in LESS THAN 24 HOURS ON TOP OF DRIVING THE NOBUSHI TO EXTINCTION.
And I haven't gotten a single Nobushi student for 7 days as of updating this on April 12, 2022. Every one of my students was nice.
But it ain't gonna stop. Now, I have a ritual of killing at least one Nobushi in Genshin Impact every day even if I don't need their handguards--I collect them as Battle Trophies. And if you ever need a mercenary who's a crazy handguard farmer, my UID is 808196140.
"Think you just killed every dinosaur in the world." "Now I'm gonna eat every dinosaur in the world. Circle of life, bitch!" "How is that the circle of li--WHAT IS THAT THING!?" (asteroid impact)
When I leisurely browse something but suddenly see something shocking, I scream in my head, "WHAT IS THAT THING!?"
#6: OMG
This is also difficult since none of the lines resonate with me, at least in a way that would entertain my readers. Honorable mentions go to Blue's "Oh my God... Oh my God..." at the beginning of the episode, God's "Now make me a sandwich...out of babies!", and Raccoon's "I need to quit drinking." I basically just shoehorned this one line to ensure I have all 10 episodes:
Autotuned Bee: It's just a dream, mothafucka!
I get nightmares all the time. They include but are not limited to getting destroyed by video game monsters, missing deadlines for schoolwork, missing work, and Mom raging at me.
I still can't lucid-dream so I have little control over my dreams. I can't even "conjure" something close to this line.
Maybe, the more I drill it into my brain, the more resistant I'll be to nightmares.
#7: Trouble Date
(butchered French pronunciation) "I didn't know you spoke French." "こにちは。Konichiwa." (Raccoon eating sushi) "WHAT!?"
Filthy dates pretending to be good at foreign languages.
Yes, I didn't add the ん ("konnichiwa" has 2 Ns in English and is normally spelled as こんにちは) on purpose.
Thankfully, I think Blue's positive traits neutralize this dumb moment.
Also, how is Raccoon eating sushi at a French restaurant!?
Blue: When I was in Paris, I had the most delicious bowl of--SHIT! (Red and Stacy enter the restaurant while French-kissing)
How did I not remember this line? This was gold! I guess my brain was too focused on the other episodes.
How should I say this in an everyday situation? Oh well. Let's wait and see. Maybe in an Explain, Explain... Oh, Crap! moment? Or when I want to be sarcastic?
#8: Kitty Amazing
"Let's take this cat for a test drive!" "What does that mean?" "It means chicas love gatos! ¡Gatos! ¡Gatos! ¡Gatos!"
When I get REALLY excited to test something, I imagine this. Usually happens in potential romantic encounters.
Also gets accompanied by me screaming internally as if I were Finn from Adventure Time, "YAAAAAAH!"
#9: Role Playas
This episode is heavily inspired by Dungeons & Dragons, hence why it's Dick Figures co-creator Zack Keller's favorite episode. In the part where Cerulean (Blue's wizard) and Maroon (Red's fighter, I guess?) rescue Pinkcess, Cerulean gets attacked from above while climbing the tower that Pinkcess is imprisoned in. Maroon tries to "assist" him with a bow but hits Cerulean twice in the back. He then switches to a crossbow, kills the mook with a headshot, but then...
Cerulean: "Oh, final--" (shot in the back) "AH, GODDAMMIT!"
Maroon is just as much of a consistent idiot as his real-life counterpart Red. It's not explained why Maroon did this last shot--I don't think it's an accidental miss, though, considering it has been 2 seconds since the mook was killed and the tower isn't super distant.
I thought Red was cool when I was younger, but looking back now as a young adult makes me hate him a little more, not gonna lie.
Red to Pink: How dare thee ruin D&D night, wench!
What exactly was Pink waiting for? Is Pink one of the players, or was she waiting for Red and Blue to finish their game before Blue and Pink go on a date? Still, a standard D&D game, I think, is 2 hours while a Critical Role episode is 4 hours long, the same length of time Pink waited.
I broke my friendship with Aby and YoSquid due to 3 D&D games in a row that they didn't make it to despite me not scheduling them. These absences were due to various reasons such as having to study or go to sleep...though I admit I was late once due to an awful Internet connection.
I didn't have this line in my head since I didn't watch Dick Figures for a long time at the time, but it recently popped into my head after watching "A Hobbit of Thrones" and noticing how similar Pink and Stacy played compared to Aby and YoSquid.
Still, screw school for ruining D&D nights...except it's more of a fiend, not a wench.
Blue: Roll for sadness. *rolls dice* Critical fail. *faceplants onto the table*
I had no idea what a "critical fail" was a long time ago because I had absolutely no clue that this episode was based on D&D, let alone its rules.
For those who don't know, generally, the higher a dice roll, the better the results, such as a higher chance to succeed in a task or higher damage. A "critical fail" refers to a 1 on a 20-sided die, almost always meaning catastrophic failure.
But in this case, assuming I take this literally (since a high roll, for example, in Deception means you're more likely to deceive someone), wouldn't critically failing a sadness roll mean you're not sad at all? Given the context, it should probably be "Roll for happiness. Critical fail." or "Roll for sadness. Natural 20."
In my early days of D&D, I often joked around with others--even non-D&D players--about getting certain rolls for certain skills.
I still do it now but to a lesser extent, instead preferring to use Genshin Impact references.
#10: Attack of the Pwns
Raccoon: (blasts a ship) "I have no idea what's going on."
In this episode heavily inspired by Star Wars, Red and Blue fight each other with fleets of spaceships. Raccoon passes by alone with his own ship and destroys one of Red's ships along the way to get it out of the way then says this line. Little does he know Red and Blue are fighting because Red ate the last burrito.
One idea that Mark Manson often posts on social media is that none of us truly have any idea what we're doing. As we learn more, we simply go from wrong to slightly less wrong--we approach the truth but never truly reach it. Kinda like limits in calculus.
I basically say this line in my head when I don't know the complete story behind an action or situation.
"That was the only thing in the fridge! You know I love frozen burrito!" "You know I love pissing you off!"
Yeah, Red not caring about eating the last burrito reminds me of my bully mentality--I still have it now. I often annoy people I hate--for example, by sending my mom cute videos or killing someone repeatedly in a competitive multiplayer game.
Blue: "Look, we keep arguing about this and die a horrible fiery death in the sun. Or we can escape in those jetpacks over there. Just sayin'."
I'm not 100% sure if I copied this line correctly. Zack Keller (voice of Blue) spoke it REALLY quickly. Some students have criticized me for speaking slowly in lessons--I have a physically hard time talking quickly even in English which is my mother tongue because of my Asperger's syndrome.
But anyway, when I want to soften a sentence or group of sentences in a casual situation, or when I don't expect an answer from the other person, I say, "Just saying."
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