This blog post is heavily outdated. It's based on Version 1.4 at the latest. The meta has changed and I made some lore mistakes.
I do not plan to update this any further for archival purposes. However, I might make a separate blog post as a remake.
This was inspired by Tectone's video "GENSHIN IMPACT CHARACTERS I COULD BEAT IN A FIGHT" but does not necessarily follow the same rules.
The one thing our hypothetical fights have in common is that they're both in a WWE arena, at least in real life. Tectone's version has a steel cage, though.
Mine has a lot more rules, a significantly more analytical and serious tone, and most significantly, some fictional analyses set in Super Smash Bros.
Rules
Universal Rules
- DEATH BATTLE rules apply. These are:
- Combatants possess no non-canon knowledge of each other.
- To ensure a fair fight, character personality restraints from killing are ignored.
- All other traits & tactics are not ignored & are largely attempted to be represented faithfully.
- Research source prerequisites are generally determined equally unless specified.
- Each fight is split into two sections: Real Life and Fiction.
- Real-life legislation is completely ignored. As such, I'm free to kill children and child-like characters like Diona. Unless otherwise specified, government forces (i.e. military, police) do not exist.
Real Life
- I must use my real-life self.
- Genshin Impact characters cannot use their elemental powers.
- I'm allowed to use any of the weapons I'm skilled with: bows, fists, and spears.
- Most Genshin Impact characters can use the weapons they already have but bows cannot be fully charged with an element. Catalysts are not allowed since they don't exist in real life. Claymores will be shrunken down to real-life greatsword sizes.
- The fights are set in a WWE arena with a ring whose length per side is 4 times as long as a regular boxing ring (80x80 feet between the ropes) to allow freedom of movement while using ranged weapons. Characters can be damaged using the environment such as by banging them on the announcer's table, the barricades, or the ring posts but no weapons can be found under the ring.
- Aside from my own rules, this is a no-disqualification match.
- The winning conditions are the following: Kill, pinfall, or submission. Pinfalls and submissions count anywhere inside the arena; they don't have to be in the ring like in a normal WWE match. However, they do not count outside the arena.
- Because it's possible to win without killing, I'm allowing myself to violate DEATH BATTLE Rule #2 in favor of winning via pinfall or submission if I choose not to kill.
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| A WWE arena for the Survivor Series pay-per-view event. Just imagine the ring is much bigger and there's a lunatic with a spear fighting a rich swordswoman wearing purple. Image from WWE.com |
Fiction
- I must use my Author Avatar at maximum power. However, he cannot transform into his Superpowered Evil Side.
- In this section, first-person words like "I" and "my" refer to my Author Avatar unless otherwise specified.
- Genshin Impact characters can use the powers they have in-universe.
- Except for the Anemo-aligned Traveler and Venti who I will assume to have Constellation Lv. 1, I will assume all characters are at Constellation Lv. 0.
- The same weapon rules as in real life apply to me.
- The fights are set in Battlefield in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. This is mainly to facilitate Jean's knockback-oriented gameplay. The large iceberg is purely for decoration; Anemo does not absorb Cryo from it.
- Traditional Super Smash Bros. rules apply. As a character takes damage, they get knocked back more. A character is defeated when they are knocked out of the stage.
- Each character has only one stock (life).
- Items do not spawn in the stage.
- Disclaimer: I have only played the demo of Super Smash Bros. for Nintendo 3DS. I used up all 30 play sessions several years ago and I don't have plans to get a Nintendo Switch and Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. As such, I have absolutely no competitive Smash experience.
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| Battlefield in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. |
Summary of LT's Fighting Skills
Real Life
I've been professionally trained in boxing since 2014, but 2018 is when I truly became skilled after beating my trainer, Coach G-Force, multiple times.
I mainly use jabs and hooks, but if my enemy has been weakened or has a tough defense, I use hammerfist attacks.
I have no professional training in weapons. I learned by watching Historical European Martial Arts (HEMA) fighters spar on YouTube.
I was taught the basics of archery when I paid for some archery sessions in my previous vacations. Now, I regularly practice with a recurve bow with a 22-lb draw weight and a target 21 feet away. I learn archery from watching NUSensei's videos.
Fiction
My Author Avatar started out as self-taught in the spear after surviving in the wilderness and while fighting enemy gangs in Craftsman City.
Years of training from various teachers around my multiverse have honed his melee combat skills to almost superhero-like levels.
However, he remains notoriously poor at magic and guns for someone who lives in Craftsman City and has above-average intelligence and interest in magic.
While he primarily uses his fists and a spear, he carries a wakizashi and a bowie knife on his belt, a bow and arrows on his back, and a pistol hidden in his enchanted leather jacket. He is also a beginner at dark magic; his jacket conceals a standard-issue wand for war mages.
Albedo
Real Life
Alchemy doesn't exist in real life and nothing in Albedo's lore mentions his swordfighting skill or physical strength.
I have a 95% chance to win against Albedo.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Pinfall or submission. I respect Albedo's intelligence.
Fiction
Albedo can stack up Geo damage on his own more reliably than Noelle thanks to his Elemental Skill which has a long duration and short cooldown. When foes take damage in the AoE of Albedo's Solar Isotoma, they take additional Geo damage.
On top of this, the AoE is huge, so it's difficult to get out of it; if I do, I risk being near the edge of the stage.
I think it's better to stay in the middle of the stage. Albedo's Normal Attack has average speed and I've fought faster attackers in real life, so dodging and perfect-shielding shouldn't be hard. Being close to the edge makes me vulnerable to smash attacks, particularly Albedo's Elemental Burst which deals damage in a large cone-shaped AoE.
If Albedo tries to "ride" his Solar Isotoma, I'll do one word: Shoryuken!
My Author Avatar has a 60% chance to win against Albedo.
Amber
Real Life
Amber, being a three-time Gliding Champion of Mondstadt, looks like the kind of girl who would leap off the top rope. (Yes, I'm letting Amber use a wind glider.)
Too bad for her, that basically turns her into a flier, so I can hit her super effectively with my bow.
Amber says she's a pro at hunting, with TV Tropes saying she's accurate with both throwing stones and bows. Unfortunately, I suck with shields, so I either have to get lucky with avoiding/parrying her arrows or do a Leeroy Jenkins and rush Amber even if I turn into a Human Pincushion.
Amber is very energetic so I think she can keep on fighting for really freaking long.
As far as I know, no official sources mention Amber's skill in melee combat, possibly excluding standard Knights of Favonius sword training. She also does not appear to carry any melee weapons. As such, I imagine she's very vulnerable to melee attacks, which I happen to specialize in. I can stunlock her with my quick and precise attacks, effectively neutralizing her boundless energy.
Still...I hate ranged attacks. I have a 20% chance to win against Amber.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Pinfall or submission. Amber is one of my Genshin Impact role models since she's the last Outrider of the Knights of Favonius and is a skilled scout.
Funny enough, I added this section an hour after this was published. This comes from my Yandere Simulator waifu ranking, by the way, as "Kill or Spare?"
Edit, December 29, 2020: Screw it. I'm killing Amber. Valeria Rodriguez, the voice of Sucrose, ships Amber and Sucrose. Oh boy. Now I'm REALLY acting like a yandere.
How would I kill Amber? By drowning her in a toilet. I can kill her anywhere in the arena, after all. Also, Hydro is super effective against Pyro and I saw @AmalWitche's comic of water solving all problems.
Fiction
My Author Avatar is a master of counterattacks and can parry physical projectiles effectively, even with just his fists, making Amber's incredible accuracy pointless.
While Amber can reliably recover from being knocked far back with her wind glider, again, I imagine her to be vulnerable to bows, so I can easily edgeguard her (i.e. prevent her from reaching the edge of the arena).
Remind me why the heck does Baron Bunny attract the attention of enemies despite the fact it doesn't attack outside of exploding after a few seconds or when destroyed. Even the real-life average Joe is too smart to fall for that trick.
The only use I see for Baron Bunny, in this case, is as an improvised shield to block an incoming attack from me, ideally in melee combat so I get blown up in the process of trying to punch Amber.
I think Amber's Fiery Rain will feel like nothing more than bee stings to my Author Avatar considering Amber's low damage output, my Author Avatar's high Defense, and my real-life resistance to sunlight.
My Author Avatar has an 80% chance to win against Amber.
Barbara
Real Life
No catalysts allowed and Barbara isn't known to have any physical combat ability, so easy 100% chance for me to win.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Pinfall. I don't feel comfortable harming opponents who are much weaker than me if they don't pose a significant threat to me. Plus, I wouldn't want to disappoint Barbara's loyal fans. :p
Note that her new voice lines in Version 1.3 don't affect this opinion.
Fiction
Barbara is, at best, a mild annoyance to my Author Avatar considering her high HP, healing abilities, Always Accurate Attacks, and my Author Avatar's low magic resistance, but Barbara does so little damage anyway that all those things hardly matter.
Her Elemental Burst does not inflict damage, so aside from the self-healing, it's completely useless.
My Author Avatar has a 95% chance to win against Barbara.
Against a main DPS Barbara, my Author Avatar would have a 40% chance to win.
Beidou
Real Life
Are you kidding me? Beidou packs super strength and is a powerful counterattacker. If she can split mountains and cut down giant sea monsters, she'll have no problem cleaving through a normal human boxer.
I have a 5% chance to win against Beidou.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Kill. If I let a very strong opponent like Beidou live, I might get killed by them in the future.
Fiction
Beidou would likely perform similar to Ike, a character in Super Smash Bros. and Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance and Radiant Dawn, given both are slow but strong sword wielders who can counterattack.
...At least until Beidou uses her Elemental Burst which makes her attacks faster.
My Author Avatar has a 15% chance to win against Beidou.
Bennett
Real Life
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| The weapon triangle. Swords beat axes, axes beat lances, and lances beat swords. |
Bennett looks nothing more than your typical swordfighter when you remove his elemental powers. Unfortunately for him, I wield a spear. Eat my weapon triangle advantage. (Yes, the Fire Emblem weapon triangle is realistic according to Skallagrim.)
Bennett does have an edge against me, though: He's extremely resilient. He's sustained many injuries in his adventures, resulting in fractures or excessive blood loss, but he just keeps adventuring. For a boy who looks like an ordinary high schooler, he can take a huge beating.
Unfortunately for Bennett, I specialize in taking down foes who are physically more durable than me, whether it's by feinting then hitting a weak point or just using my hammerfists to destroy defenses with brute force. Spears are great for feints.
If the battle was based purely on skill, I'd have a 90% chance to win.
However, to stay consistent with his character, I have a 55% chance to win against Bennett.
In his Hangout Event, when Bennett talked about the good weather, a thunderstorm immediately struck. When he left the Traveler, the thunderstorm stopped.
I don't know how large this "bad luck radius" is, and even if I knew, I'm poor at long-range sniping. Either way, this doesn't affect my chance to win.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Kill to put him and others out of their misery.
Fiction
But even with Bennett's elemental powers, he feels like nothing special to me.
His Elemental Skill is basically a three-hit combo that I can trivially block or get out of the way of. If he does the third hit of this combo, he gets knocked back, allowing me to punish him if this causes him to fall off the stage. Superman Punch, anyone?
His Elemental Burst hits surrounding foes, but again, I can get out of the way. Its support is also not very useful since I can simply knock him off his Inspiration Field with a grab-and-throw or smash attack.
My Author Avatar has a 55% chance to win against Bennett.
Chongyun
Real Life
The only hint to Chongyun's fighting skill is a vague quote from Xingqiu: "[Chongyun] is making good progress in the martial arts..." Given that Xingqiu is a master of the Guhua style, I'd take his word seriously, even if Chongyun is in "chill" mode.
However, I reckon he'd be invincible once heated up, either literally or figuratively. I should keep my snarky comments to a minimum, then.
However, how come Chongyun doesn't heat up during battle? Even light workouts can cause sweat to drop in real life.
I give a 30% chance to win against Chongyun...assuming he doesn't heat up.
Otherwise, I give a 3% chance.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Pinfall or submission. Chongyun is not a jerk and his services do a lot of good for the people of Liyue.
Fiction
Despite my Author Avatar and I being weak to low temperatures, Chongyun's Elemental Skill is very easy to avoid, especially considering he doesn't have support from someone who can prevent movement like a Hydro character. All I have to do is jump to a different platform and do chip damage with my bow.
Though Chongyun's Elemental Burst hits fast and auto-acquires targets, it can be avoided. My Author Avatar's other defensive skill is specializing in combat rolls. This works especially well if I'm outside of Chongyun's melee attack range 'cause, if we're on the same platform, I can instead lunge and perform a superkick or Superman Punch.
My Author Avatar has a 75% chance to win against Chongyun.
Diluc
Real Life
No. Just no. I don't dare fight someone who is basically Batman. Diluc is arguably the best DPS character in Genshin Impact, is always one step ahead of the Abyss Order, and, as shown in cutscenes, is very fast. He even has throwing knives!
I have a 0% chance to win against Diluc (and, by extension, the actual Batman).
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Kill for the same reason as Beidou: because Diluc is extremely strong. I think Diluc is very persistent in his revenge hunts as well.
Fiction
Unlike Batman who lives and fights crime in a modern city, Diluc is in a medieval fantasy world. In the first minute of the fight, I imagine my Author Avatar would get overwhelmed by Diluc somehow always seeing his attacks coming, so he would use the pistol in his jacket as a last resort, even though he hates guns and is unskilled at using them. Think of it like using Pichu in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate.
But considering Diluc fights regularly on his own as the Darknight Hero, from plain ol' hilichurls to the Abyss Order to Fatui agents, I reckon he can take 6 .40 S&W bullets to the torso before being vulnerable to being launched off the stage.
(The .40 S&W is a standard-issue bullet for United States law enforcement agencies. My Author Avatar mainly does his criminal operations in a New York City-like state where he regularly skewers cops to death with his spear.)
My Author Avatar has a 10% chance to win against Diluc.
Diona
Real Life
I'll assume Diona has her Kätzlein blood for this fight.
Diona has shown cat-like abilities in her stories. She has darkvision, she's naturally good at climbing, dodging, and infiltration, she can bite, and when a Cat's Tail patron touched her tail, Diona "turned the tavern upside-down."
I imagine she can effortlessly leap from outside the ring all the way to the top rope.
Diona also comes from a long line of hunters, making her a skilled archer.
Thing is, I've played rough with our family pets before: one cat and one horse dog. All I have to do is get close to Diona and land a spear attack before she can bite, scratch, or shoot back.
I have a 55% chance to win against Diona.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Kill. Our family horse dog takes very long to get tired so I better not waste time when fighting hybrids with animal powers.
Fiction
Diona's Elemental Skill fires up to 5 quick homing Cryo projectiles. My cold resistance is utter trash--I "freeze" at 25 degrees Celsius or less.
Diona's Elemental Burst continuously deals Cryo damage within the area of effect. While I'm fast enough to get out of it when combined with my Author Avatar's fiery determination, I imagine Diona would be smart enough to keep me inside with her cat-like reflexes.
It can continuously heal Diona too, meaning even if I manage to overcome her speed, the damage I dealt may be completely useless.
My Author Avatar has a 5% chance to win against Diona.
Eula
Real Life
Aristocrat training combined with Knight of Favonius training is no joke. Eula can stay calm even in heated situations...or, in Dragonspine, deathly freezing situations. She has the second-highest base ATK behind Xiao, a literal god slayer.
Watching Eula fight in-game is without a doubt an elegant and sexy sight, but I imagine actually fighting her in real life would make me angry instead of mesmerized. I hate being distracted during a fight.
I have a 0.1% chance to win against Eula.
Fiction
My Author Avatar is a lot faster than me in real life, so he should an advantage over Eula's slow claymore weapon type. Eula needs to land hits to gain Grimheart stacks and charge her Lightfall Sword...which is hard to do if she can't hit me in the first place.
She can block projectiles with her claymore, as demonstrated in a cutscene with a Pyro Fatui Skirmisher...but that doesn't matter as my Author Avatar is a melee specialist.
My Author Avatar has a 60% chance to win against Eula.
Fischl
Real Life
Oz is not allowed in this fight.
Fischl is an investigator at the Adventurers' Guild, so I reckon she can easily read my moves within the first minute of the match. As such, I have to take her down as quickly as possible.
In the Unreconciled Stars event, Oz asked Fischl to shoot down a pigeon, suggesting Fischl is accurate with a bow.
I have a 25% chance to win against Fischl.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Pinfall or submission. On top of me having no personal beef against Fischl, she's the waifu of my Singaporean friend, NachoPizza, who I respect a lot. Beyond Fischl's Chuunibyou personality, she's a nice girl.
Fiction
But in this fight, Oz is allowed, effectively causing a 2v1.
Oz is unique among other "summoned" creatures like Baron Bunny and Guoba in that he has a ranged attack and can be commanded to move by Fischl.
While Oz is invulnerable in Genshin Impact gameplay, considering he's afraid of getting killed by Stormterror in lore, I'll assume he is vulnerable in this fight. Bows, anyone?
It's Fischl's Elemental Burst which is terrifying, especially since in Smash, almost any attack, even basic punches, can inflict knockback. (In Genshin Impact, Fischl's Elemental Burst does not cause knockback.) She transforms into a large Oz, moves at high speed, and deals Electro damage on contact, effectively negating almost any dodging my Author Avatar does.
Fischl's Burst in the Honkai Impact 3rd crossover is similarly difficult to dodge--Oz rains down lightning bolts in an area.
My Author Avatar has a 15% chance to win against Fischl.
Ganyu
Real Life
Nothing about Ganyu's lore mentions her skill with a bow or any other real-life weapon. She doesn't charge with her goat horns, either.
I think her only superpowers are an extremely long lifespan and extremely high stamina as a half-adeptus, considering she can do work that would stump the brains of three ordinary human Liyue Qixing secretaries.
While her ATK is tied with Diluc for the second-highest in Genshin Impact, I think I can just fight Ganyu like any other archer. Her stamina can be negated by constantly spam-attacking her to prevent her from recovering...and I am a quick attacker due to being a boxer, spearman, and thief.
I have a 30% chance to win against Ganyu.
Though Ganyu choked a giant monster to death with her waistline, keep in mind that Ganyu was inside the monster's throat. Though she did this intentionally in lore, this is realistically possible to do by accident. Blue whales have narrow throats, so trying to swallow humans would choke the whales. Therefore, this feat does not count in this battle between human-sized creatures.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Pinfall. Ganyu is one of the friendlier adepti along with Madame Ping. The people of Liyue Harbor, especially members of the Qixing, greatly respect her...unless, of course, they're tax evaders. Plus, I wouldn't want to disappoint her daughter Qiqi.
I...might give Ganyu a cute hug as well because of Cloud Retainer describing Ganyu as a child.
Fiction
Ganyu is much more dangerous in fiction. She can limit my movement with her Elemental Skill which inflicts continuous damage like Mona's while using her Elemental Burst to force me to dodge constantly. Even if she has Stormtrooper aim, I'm not safe from her AoE arrows.
Fortunately, to inflict AoE damage, she must charge her arrow a little longer, so I can exploit the time she's charging to deliver a Superman Punch. However, it's best to wait until she uses her Elemental Skill so that she doesn't use it to interrupt my dash attack.
My Author Avatar has a 20% chance to win against Ganyu.
Hu Tao
Real Life
For this section, I'll ignore Hu Tao's very low base ATK. I'll assume it's the same as Xiangling's for balance purposes.
I think nothing in Hu Tao's lore mentions her skill in polearms except for her Elemental Skill's description which is more related to funerals than combat: "The spear opens the path to the afterlife."
Hu Tao's height is in the "teenage girl" category with characters like Amber and Lumine. According to Vincenzo "Skulz" Milella, the tallest "teenage girl" character is Keqing at 159 cm. I stand at 174 cm, somewhere in-between Jean and Diluc, so I have a slightly longer reach.
However, Hu Tao is a prankster. I don't know how exactly she'd prank in a WWE arena, though, especially if I somehow keep her from getting outside the ring. Of course, I wouldn't pay attention to "Look! An eagle!" pranks during a fight.
I have a 45% chance to win against Hu Tao.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Pinfall or submission. Hu Tao may not look like it, but she takes her work very seriously and has great respect for human life.
Fiction
In this section, Hu Tao's very low base ATK applies.
Although my Author Avatar is more skilled with the spear than Hu Tao due to constantly fighting gunmen and mages, his magic spear isn't very well-enchanted (due to being crafted against the will of a group of dwarven blacksmiths), so if he tries to block too many of Hu Tao's strikes, his spear will eventually melt.
His speed advantage still applies, so he can continuously pelt Hu Tao with arrows while waiting for Hu Tao's Paramita Papilio state to end before charging in with melee attacks.
My Author Avatar has a 70% chance to win against Hu Tao.
Jean
Real Life
Jean Gunnhildr is the Acting Grand Master of the Knights of Favonius so it's natural that her swordsmanship will be unparalleled among most of the Knights. (She's speculated by some Mondstadters to be the strongest in Mondstadt.) Even with my weapon triangle advantage, I reckon Jean would see many of my attacks coming and deliver a fancy counterattack.
However, Jean is obviously a lawful good character. It would be out of character for her to use underhanded tactics, especially since it'll ruin the reputations of the Knights of Favonius and the Gunnhildr clan.
It just so happens that we're fighting in a WWE arena, a place that's very chaotic alignment-friendly. Assuming I can get one clean arrow or spear attack on Jean, I can follow up with a clothesline, a strike with the steel steps, or a head-bang on the announce table.
Heck, maybe I can use the referee as a human shield by positioning myself so that the referee is between me and Jean. If Jean accidentally injures the referee, she'll get so shocked she'll lose focus in the fight.
I have a 40% chance to win against Jean.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Pinfall or submission. Jean is a really nice and heroic person, along with her undeniably attractive body.
Fiction
Jean is a master of edgeguarding thanks to both her Elemental Skill and Elemental Burst. Her Elemental Skill can simply suck me up and push me off the edge again if I try to recover. Her Elemental Burst causes me to take Anemo damage whenever I get inside or outside her Dandelion Field, further limiting the amount of space with which I can avoid attacks.
Remind me to stay off the top platform of Battlefield 'cause Jean can simply use her Charged Attack, which I called her up smash, then follow up with her Elemental Skill.
My Author Avatar has a 25% chance to win against Jean.
Kaeya
Real Life
The fifth attack of Kaeya's Normal Attack combo causes him to Flash Step behind his foe. He can do that even if he misses his first 4 attacks, but I can simply interrupt him with a spear attack.
Thing is, Kaeya is not only a Cavalry Captain of the Knights of Favonius, but also a troll. I imagine he'd be the kind of fighter who would either spam feints or pretend to be wide-open then launch a devastating counterattack. Given that I've been pincer-attacked before while fighting two Gold's Gym trainers alone, I doubt I'd perform any better against Kaeya.
Not to mention, he'd probably invent some weird way to use the environment like stuffing my head under the hollow steel steps. After all, he's willing to delay a thief by activating a Ruin Guard.
Not to mention, he'd probably invent some weird way to use the environment like stuffing my head under the hollow steel steps. After all, he's willing to delay a thief by activating a Ruin Guard.
I have a 20% chance to win against Kaeya.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Kill. I hate this troll.
Fiction
I cannot see how Kaeya would troll in Battlefield considering it's just three small platforms and a big one. After all, it's one of the very few stages that are allowed in competitive Smash.
Kaeya's Passive Talent 3 decreases sprinting Stamina consumption, and while Smash doesn't have such a stamina mechanic, I'd instead translate it to "Kaeya runs fast."
Kaeya's Elemental Burst is active? Just pelt him with arrows.
My Author Avatar has an 80% chance to win against Kaeya.
Keqing
Real Life
Keqing is all about working fast and that reflects in her fighting style, which is why I think if she was a Fire Emblem character, she'd be a Myrmidon/Swordmaster.
Considering my former crush "Mareeta" (the actual Fire Emblem character is also voiced by Kayli Mills) outspeeds me in both boxing and tennis, I doubt I'd do any better against Keqing, even with my weapon triangle advantage. She's no slouch in the damage department either; her high CRIT DMG means one hit and I'm toast.
The only way I can possibly win against Keqing is if I grapple her to neutralize her speed...which is tough to do since I imagine she leaves very few and almost nonexistent openings in her attacks.
If I do, you bet I'll spam the heck out of my hammerfists.
I have a 15% chance to win against Keqing.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? KILL! If I were Mordecai or Rigby from Regular Show, I would NOT want to have Keqing as a boss!
Plus, Keqing's voice actress, Kayli Mills, is the same as Kuroko Kamenaga, the Student Council vice president from Yandere Simulator. I hate the Student Council.
Fiction
Keqing has unparalleled combat mobility among all the Genshin Impact characters--even mah boi Venti doesn't come close. In addition to quickly closing distance by teleporting to me when I'm using ranged attacks, she can use her Lightning Stiletto to quickly recover from falling, similar to Pikachu's Quick Attack.
If I get a stiletto stuck to me, I have no idea when Keqing is gonna use it to teleport 'cause it happens so fast, so I may be forced to either Attack! Attack! Attack! or play more defensively in a panic.
She can also shoot Sword Beams in Honkai Impact 3rd, but since I've played Team Kirby Clash Deluxe where its version of the Skyward Strike (from The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword) has limited range, I would do the same for this version of Keqing. Well, looks like she has a more reliable means of ranged offense in addition to her Lightning Stiletto.
In Co-Op, Keqing's Elemental Burst AoE can be seen, and it's about as big as Ganyu's AoE. In other words, it's freakin' huge.
It's difficult to do perfect shields on it because of the number of times it hits and how fast it is. It's also difficult to passively shield because of Keqing's frequent and powerful critical hits.
The advantage my Author Avatar has over Keqing is his limited ability to use dark magic, particularly a spell that restrains one ground target with dark tentacles from afar. Problem is, similar to guns, his lack of skill in magic means he hurts himself while using it.
My Author Avatar has a 10% chance to win against Keqing.
Klee
Real Life
Although catalysts are not allowed, explosives exist in real life, so I'll give Klee modern military explosives, including flashbangs, frag grenades, and rocket launchers.
Because Klee is an explosives expert, I expect her to know how to cook a grenade before throwing to ensure the target has no time to dodge.
Thankfully, this is a 1v1 so nothing will distract me from paying complete attention to Klee's movement. As soon as I see her pull out a grenade, I can simply hit her with a superkick, knock the grenade off her hands, then throw it elsewhere. The same goes for rocket launchers.
I think Klee will be smart enough to use walls to make it harder for me to reach her, so I just have to get to the top rope and do a Plunging Attack.
Because I think Klee is so cute, I'd finish her off with a bear hug.
I have a 70% chance to win against Klee.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Pinfall...followed by repetitive kisses on the cheeks.
Fiction
Klee's range and accuracy with her Normal Attacks kinda suck. It should be no problem at all for my Author Avatar to get close, especially because he can parry explosives.
Her Elemental Burst is the truly dangerous one though because it auto-acquires targets and, as far as I know, cannot be dodged.
My Author Avatar has an 80% chance to win against Klee.
Lisa
Real Life
Again, no catalysts allowed and no known physical combat ability. Easy 100% chance to win. In fact, I'd be even more motivated to beat Lisa up as she talks.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Kill. Shut up, thot.
Fiction
If there's anything in gaming that has taught my Author Avatar since his childhood, it's to avoid enemies' areas of effect whenever they appear. Lisa, unfortunately, does so for both her Elemental Burst and Elemental Skill, on top of her held Elemental Skill being slooow.
Her Normal Attack and pressed Elemental Skill are more problematic because of how accurate they are, on top of being magical attacks. Though my Author Avatar is somewhat resistant to electricity because I've been zapped multiple times in real life, he can't protect himself from Lisa's electric attacks forever.
Using ranged attacks is risky because they either hurt LT or are slower, while melee attacks make him susceptible to Lisa's elemental abilities.
My Author Avatar has a 20% chance to win against Lisa.
Mona
Real Life
No astrology or catalysts in the real world, pal. Mona abstains from material wealth to the point of starving herself, making her overall physical fitness abysmal. In fact, in her reward's description for the Windblume Festival's Bullseye Balloons challenge, she had difficulty pulling a bowstring, saying it's "so heavy." (Bruh, I can pull my 21-lb bow very quickly and easily.) Easy 100% chance for me to win; in fact, I think she's the easiest to beat up among all the Genshin Impact characters in real life.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Pinfall or submission. Mona is such a good astrologist that Teyvat needs her services.
Fiction
In Mona's Story Quests, she was able to tell that a group of "merchants" were bandits from a glance. No funny rituals or whatever.
As such, I imagine Mona can easily read my overall fighting style.
Mona can control the battlefield with her Elemental Skill and Elemental Burst. Her Elemental Skill, in particular, can be used to edgeguard; I assume her Phantom can be suspended in mid-air at any angle since Minecraft Steve can place blocks in mid-air in Smash, unlike in his home game. As for her Elemental Burst, it traps light infantry...and my Author Avatar is a light infantry unit.
My Author Avatar could try to avoid Mona's Elemental Skill and Elemental Burst by chipping away with his bow (or even his pistol), but Mona still has her always accurate ranged Normal Attack which hits harder than Barbara's, sooo...
On top of Mona's powerful offense, she's invulnerable while sprinting. Well, I guess my Author Avatar has no choice but to use his pistol.
My Author Avatar has a 10% chance to win against Mona.
Ningguang
Real Life
In a 1v1, having loads of money won't protect you if you can't defend yourself properly with a real weapon or your fists. Easy 100% chance to win.
Millelith
However, some WWE superstars can have mooks such as when Sheamus sent a security team on Roman Reigns. As such, I imagine Ningguang would be accompanied by a squad of Millelith.
Though Ningguang is first and foremost a businesswoman, I won't underestimate her tactical combat skill. She is the brains of the Liyue Qixing, after all. Plus, the Qixing is basically the "physical" government of Liyue so Ningguang has authority and influence over the Millelith. (Rex Lapis and the adepti form the "divine" government, which is supreme over the Qixing.)
All Millelith soldiers shown in-game wield some kind of polearm. I can take on one Millelith member fairly well because I also wield a spear. However, send in 5 or more and I'd have to chip 'em away with my bow or use a shield like the steel steps or...whatever covers up the announce table.
I have a 10% chance to win against Ningguang if she's accompanied by the Millelith.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? For the Millelith, I will KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM! For Ningguang herself, I'll beat her via pinfall or submission because I have no personal beef with her...unless Teyvat somehow gets an Internet connection.
Fiction
I'll assume Ningguang's attacks target magic resistance instead of physical defense. There are Rock-type Pokémon moves like Ancient Power and Power Gem which are special.
Defensively, Ningguang's Jade Screen is pointless since my Author Avatar is a melee specialist and the Jade Screen can be physically passed through. As soon as my Author Avatar realizes it can block projectiles, he can easily change his tactics to adapt.
Perhaps the Jade Screen is useful for forcing my Author Avatar to go melee when he has taken a lot of damage. At this point, if my Author Avatar knows going melee would spell doom for him, he'd play it safe and use ranged attacks. After all, I think Ningguang is smart enough to understand that my Author Avatar prefers melee attacks despite the bow on his back.
Offense is where Ningguang's Jade Screen truly comes into play. When using her Elemental Burst, she and her Jade Screen both fire homing projectiles. These are especially useful for guaranteeing a KO if Ningguang has already knocked LT off the edge with her other attacks.
My Author Avatar has a 20% chance to win against Ningguang.
Noelle
Real Life
In gameplay, Noelle is all about defense. She has the highest DEF among the 4-star characters in the game (tied with Xinyan), she wears an armored maid outfit, her Elemental Skill and Elemental Burst scale off her DEF, and her Elemental Skill creates a shield. As such, using the Fire Emblem Heroes movement types, I classify Noelle as an armored unit.
It just so happens that I specialize in destroying armored foes with my fists. After all, I can punch walls, damage cars, and pierce my boxing trainer's defenses.
However, when Hangout Events came out in 1.4, it was revealed (and later memed) that Noelle has a very similar daily workout to Saitama from One Punch Man: 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, 100 squats, and 2 laps around Mondstadt (presumably the region, not the city, when scaling with Saitama's 10 km run).
Although she's a Mighty Glacier in-game thanks to her claymore weapon type, she's probably a Lightning Bruiser in lore. Maybe this is why Noelle seems to magically appear whenever anyone in the Mondstadt region shouts her name--she's probably comparable to The Flash.
For this section only, I'll consider Noelle's lore over her gameplay, so I have a 0% chance to win against Noelle.
When only considering her gameplay, I have a 90% chance.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Pinfall or submission. I respect Noelle's desire to work hard.
Fiction (Gameplay Only)
Noelle's Elemental Burst would probably be OP in Smash because of how wide its range is. If I fail to exploit the pauses between Noelle's attacks with a dash attack like a Superman Punch, I could get stunlocked and edgeguarded mid-air.
(You can probably tell at this point that I'm a fan of Roman Reigns.)
Combine that with her Elemental Skill and it'll take a lot of patience to beat her down. Time to unload every last bullet, I guess...
My Author Avatar has a 20% chance to win against Noelle.
When looking at the lore, my Author Avatar is nowhere close to Saitama's power. Easy 0% chance.
Qiqi
Real Life
Qiqi may be a zombie, but she doesn't look like the kind of person who would try to eat my brains.
Though she's a sword wielder, her short height means her reach is short, making it a piece of cake for my spear to reach her. Even though she can exterminate a group of Treasure Hoarders by herself, it doesn't matter if I can simply stand like a pikeman guarding against incoming cavalry. It's like walking into a wall of spikes.
It's also incredibly easy to push Qiqi around with almost any wrestling move. After all, I can do squats while carrying my 5-year-old niece, so what's stopping me from doing a powerbomb on Qiqi?
I have a 95% chance to win against Qiqi.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Pinfall or submission...'cause I don't have a good reason to kill her.
Fiction
Like I said before, Qiqi's Elemental Skill is ridiculously stacked, being a combination of Barbara's Elemental Skill and Kaeya's Elemental Burst. This makes it risky to hit her with melee attacks and difficult to constantly damage with ranged attacks, on top of her having the highest DEF in the game (despite being a loli zombie; Zhongli doesn't even come close).
Fortunately, it has a super long cooldown of effectively 15 seconds after the effect expires, so as long as I don't get hit, I'm good. I can just do parkour from platform to platform.
Qiqi's Elemental Burst also hits nearby foes, but I can simply get out of the way of that.
My Author Avatar has a 50% chance to win against Qiqi.
Razor
Real Life
Claymore aside, I like to imagine fighting Razor as similar to fighting a human-sized wolf with human intelligence.
I hate dogs.
I have a 5% chance to win against Razor.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Kill. I hate our family cavalry unit dog.
Fiction
Despite his slow-attacking weapon type, Razor is deceptively fast, especially when powered up by his Elemental Burst's Stand. His Elemental Skill is similarly quick and lets him rack up Energy to keep his "Stand" up for longer.
Fortunately, my Author Avatar survived in the wilderness as a younger teen before becoming a city boy, so he has experience fighting both wild animals and trained soldiers. (Yes, the Craftsman City Armed Forces hate his guts too.)
My Author Avatar has a 30% chance to win against Razor.
Rosaria
Real Life
The full names of WWE’s TV shows are Monday Night Raw and Tuesday Night SmackDown. They are Exactly What They Say on the Tins; they’re held at night. As such, Rosaria has a speed advantage.
Rosaria, as a rogue, is likely no stranger to underhanded battle tactics, so I can’t simply smack her with the steel steps or whatever. She’ll probably see through all my feints. I’d try to disarm her but I imagine she’d be too skilled.
I have a temporary 0% chance to win against Rosaria.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? KILL! It’s not like the Church of Favonius will fall to pieces if I kill Rosaria—after all, Barbara is there and I don’t plan to kill Barbara.
Fiction
My Author Avatar is a lot more physically durable and alert of his surroundings, so rogue tactics are less effective on him. He also blocks with spears as if wielding a bo staff, which is aided by the somewhat magically enhanced durability of his spear.
Rosaria can limit my Author Avatar's movement with her Elemental Burst in a similar manner to Ganyu with a smaller but more consistent AoE. Also, unlike Albedo's Elemental Skill, Rosaria does not need to constantly hit with Normal Attacks to inflict damage with her Elemental Burst. Less room for my Author Avatar to move his feet around means he's more vulnerable to Rosaria's Elemental Skill.
Because Rosaria is an edgy nun, she's likely resistant to both light and dark magic. Her speed also makes it difficult to shoot her with a gun.
My Author Avatar has a 35% chance to win against Rosaria.
Sucrose
Real Life
You probably already know the answer. 100% chance to win.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Pinfall because I have a crush on Sucrose.
Fiction
On top of Sucrose's Always Accurate Attacks, her elemental abilities have a wide AoE; her Elemental Skill in particular has a short startup lag time, so both abilities are difficult to avoid. They're effective at juggling light infantry when combined with her Normal Attacks, making Sucrose a hypothetical powerhouse in Smash.
The only way to avoid Sucrose's elemental abilities is to dodge as soon as they appear, though I prefer to do a Superman Punch as soon as I see an "Anemo Hypostasis emulation".
My Author Avatar has a 20% chance to win against Sucrose.
Tartaglia (Childe)
Real Life
I'll assume Tartaglia wields physical bows, spears, and swords.
Considering Tartaglia can curb-stomp his Fatui colleagues in training as well as confidently clear out a dragon's lair, I think I'll lose to Tartaglia regardless of the weapon or strategy I use.
I have a 0.1% chance to win against Tartaglia.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Submission. I respect Tartaglia's fighting skills. A pinfall is too risky.
Fiction (Spoiler-Free)
But in fiction, LT is a master of melee weaponry, so he and Tartaglia are equal in this regard.
The problem lies mainly in the fact most of Tartaglia's attacks inflict Hydro while most of my attacks don't inflict any element.
My Author Avatar has a 30% chance to win against Tartaglia.
Fiction (With Spoilers)
 |
| Final Destination in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. |
Childe has an HP count instead of a damage percentage in this fight, similar to Smash boss fights. Instead of Battlefield, this is set in Final Destination, a simple stage made of a single large platform.
Childe's attacks are much slower as a boss, but then again, boss fights are supposed to be like this. He focuses more on ranged attacks when using his Hydro Vision while using his Electro Delusion makes him more melee-oriented.
Movement in Smash is only up, down, left, and right (i.e. 2D), so I think Childe's attacks will go up and down instead of rotating side-to-side. Timing jumps is necessary to avoid these attacks.
Good thing my Author Avatar is adept at parkour.
In the first and second phases of the fight, Childe can shield himself and No-Sell melee attacks. He cannot do that with ranged attacks. Good thing I also shoot arrows quickly without sacrificing accuracy--then again, in real life, I use a recurve bow with a noob-friendly 22 lb draw weight.
(This is why Fischl is arguably the best F2P counter against Childe, especially when combined with the DPS provided by her Constellation Lv. 1. For lucky players and whales, it's Ganyu.)
His second phase is tricky though. He rapidly zig-zags across the battlefield with his Electro Delusion. Combined with Final Destination not having any other platforms to stay on, staying in the air and timing jumps is super tricky. (Would be nice to be Jigglypuff or Kirby right now; they can jump more than twice. Also Steve because of placing blocks.)
Third phase? That's a total joke. Childe may have "unleashed his full power" at this point, but this makes him more of a Glass Cannon Mighty Glacier; he can't shield himself and his attacks are much slower and more predictable.
Don't even get me started with his meme-worthy whale attack. It's easy to dodge because of how slow it is. It just motivates me to beat up Childe even more 'cause I'm a free-to-play (F2P) player.
My Author Avatar has an 80% chance to win against Childe as a boss.
 |
| The ultimate insult to F2P players. |
Side note: Notice how I referred to Tartaglia differently between this sub-section and the rest of the Tartaglia section. If I remember correctly, in the Liyue Archon Quests, Childe is only referred to as "Tartaglia" in the third phase of his boss fight; he's consistently called "Childe" everywhere else, which is why I refer to the boss Childe as "Childe". When talking about his playable version and his lore outside of the Archon Quests, I refer to him as "Tartaglia".
Traveler and Paimon
Real Life
In The Chalk Prince and the Dragon, Sucrose noted how impeccable the Traveler's swordfighting technique is. Considering the Traveler defeated the final Liyue boss (who wields shortsword- and polearm-like weapons) and Sucrose is associated with fellow Knights of Favonius swordfighters like Jean and Kaeya, I'd assume the Traveler is tougher than all of them.
The Traveler has both natural talent and training in gliding from Amber, so they'll likely use a lot of high-flying moves. Unfortunately, again, that makes them weak to bows.
Paimon is a small problem though, even though she can't fight. She teams up with the Traveler in brainstorming in the story of Genshin Impact, and as such will bark orders towards the Traveler during the battle, similar to tag team partners and love interests in 1v1 WWE matches. Luckily, I'm guessing Paimon can be hurt by physical attacks, judging by how she stubbornly refuses to be emergency food, so I just have to give Paimon an RKO #OuttaNowhere.
I have an 0.1% chance to win against the Traveler and a 100% chance to win against Paimon.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Pinfall or submission for both the Traveler and Paimon. Neither are total jerks.
Fiction (Anemo)
Both their Elemental Skill and Elemental Burst make the Traveler dangerous in melee range, especially with their Elemental Skill's short cooldown of 5-8 seconds. Ranged attacks are essential for safely chipping away at the Traveler.
The Elemental Burst in particular works similar to Steve's minecart; it catches and carries foes forward, potentially out of the stage.
To potentially cover the whole stage, I imagine the Traveler would go all the way to the left or right edge of the big platform. As such, I can probably interrupt them by charging at them like a bull to hurl them off the stage before pelting them with arrows to ensure they stay down.
My Author Avatar has a 50% chance to win against the Anemo-aligned Traveler.
Fiction (Geo)
In contrast to Anemo's focus on melee, the Traveler's Geo moveset has a little more range. They can aim their Elemental Skill anywhere within range, though it has long startup lag, making it easy to dodge.
To a small extent, it can edgeguard like Steve's blocks, but only on the ground.
Considering it summons a meteorite, it can be used to perform a literal meteor smash.
Their Elemental Burst can be avoided simply by staying in the air like a Flying-type or levitating Pokémon avoiding the all-too-common Earthquake. 'Nuff said.
My Author Avatar has a 90% chance to win against the Geo-aligned Traveler.
Venti
WARNING: Contains major spoilers.
Real Life
For Gods in Human Form like Venti, I'll assume they're completely regular humans.
Venti's skill with a bow, as far as I know, is never discussed in his lore. My wild guess is he wields a bow because of at least one of the following:
- Venti plays the lyre. Bows have strings, just like lyres.
- Arrow trajectory is partially affected by wind velocity.
I imagine Venti would launch a lot of Deadpan Snarker rhymes. Considering this is a battle and I have a Hair-Trigger Temper and experiences of being teased by my younger brother, I'd likely get triggered and hit Venti with an Attack! Attack! Attack! style.
Because I think Venti is chaotic good, he would most likely use the environment against me, including the mentioned-before announce table and ring posts.
However, I think he would never use the referee as a human shield.
I have a 60% chance to win against Venti.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Pinfall or submission. Wouldn't want Mondstadt to be ruled by another tyrant, after all.
Fiction
Venti is practically impossible to hit with melee attacks as long as his elemental abilities are ready. His pressed Elemental Skill leaves infantry units suspended in mid-air while his held Elemental Skill launches Venti himself and creates an updraft.
Don't even get me started with his Elemental Burst. It hits so hard and leaves foes helpless for so long.
Despite Venti wielding a bow, he's dangerous in both close and long range. Up close, he can use his Elemental Skill. From afar, he can shoot three arrows simultaneously in an arc, making them harder to dodge.
The only way I can possibly imagine exploiting Venti is when he misses his held Elemental Skill 'cause I can take advantage of his own updraft to deliver a Shoryuken. From there, while Venti is knocked down, I can follow up by spamming my hammerfists.
If I were allowed to violate DEATH BATTLE! rules, though, I would elbow-drop Venti's crotch 'cause La Signora's crotch kick hurt him a lot.
My Author Avatar has a 3% chance to win against Venti.
Xiangling
Real Life
Guoba is not allowed in this fight.
I had no idea until I read her story that Xiangling can freakin' steal; she stole some hilichurls' clubs to make "Hilichurl Club BBQ Fish". What kind of meal is this?
Thankfully, as a scout and thief who is constantly on the lookout for crimes being committed, it's difficult to steal from me, whether sneakily or forcefully. I can easily break out of being grappled, even by my bigger and stronger family members.
Much of Xiangling's story talks about her skill and opinions on cooking. The only thing that mentions her fighting skill is her Elemental Burst's description: "Displaying her mastery over both fire and polearms..." Given how strong and popular her Elemental Burst is, I wouldn't underestimate Xiangling's physical fighting style.
Xiangling's weakness lies in her being...more lightly built compared to other characters I see to the point I think she's the most child-like among the adults. Winning via submission would be a piece of cake.
I have a 40% chance to win against Xiangling.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Pinfall or submission. Otherwise, RIP Wanmin Restaurant.
Fiction
Guoba is...not very useful since it doesn't move. I can simply move to a different platform. Guoba is only dangerous if Xiangling plans to launch me below the stage where trying to get back up would result in my face getting grilled.
Xiangling's Elemental Burst, like her other attacks, is only useful against ground targets. In this regard, she's similar to Little Mac: deadly on the ground but poor in mid-air. Elbow drop, anyone?
My Author Avatar has a 75% chance to win against Xiangling.
Xiao
Real Life
The biggest difference between me and Xiao combat-wise is I've never actually fought in self-defense while Xiao regularly fights demons, gods, and monsters of at least Super Weight.
Xiao has the highest base ATK of all the current Genshin Impact characters, along with above-average HP and DEF. Although elemental abilities are not allowed, I'll still assume Xiao is extremely fast given his Passive Talent 3 which reduces climbing Stamina consumption, making him effective at top-rope attacks like moonsaults and superplexes.
Even if I were to try to disarm him, I would fail because of how insanely strong he is.
I have a 0% chance to win against Xiao.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Submission. Although I personally hate Xiao's personality a lot, I don't want to kill him because he's the last yaksha...and Liyue would probably get rekt if he dies. Plus, I don't wanna suffer the Wrath of the Rock.
Fiction
Xiao is such a ridiculously fast character with his elemental abilities that he'd probably dodge my bullets, unlike the ordinary Diluc. Hypothetically, he'd be top-tier in Smash because of his Elemental Skill.
His Elemental Burst, on the other hand, can work in two different ways. His two jumps may just be really high, or he may be able to jump more than twice like Jigglypuff and Kirby. Either way, they further aid his recovery, though at the cost of his HP.
Normally, if I notice Xiao is hurting himself with his own Elemental Burst, I'd wait until it wears off then counterattack. However, he's so fast that it's pointless to wait.
My Author Avatar has a 0% chance to win against Xiao.
Masahiro Sakurai-san, if you add Xiao, plz nerf him.
Xingqiu
Real Life
The Guhua style covers both swords and polearms so I assume it's logical that Xingqiu would bring both to a fight. I think the chivalrous choice would be to fight me with a spear if I use a spear or a sword if I use a sword. For other weapons, I think he'd default to his usual sword style.
Regardless of Xingqiu's choice, I would default to using my spear; its reach makes it well-balanced in offense and defense.
Problem is, Xingqiu revived the dying Guhua style after learning some of it. I have no professional training in any weapon besides fists; I'm 100% self-taught (assuming watching YouTube videos counts as self-teaching).
Then again, it would be totally unchivalrous to leap at Xingqiu from the top rope.
I have a 40% chance to win against Xingqiu.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Pinfall. I have a lot of respect for Xingqiu's chivalry. Also, my genderflipped self has a crush on him.
Fiction
Unlike other shield users, Xingqiu cannot No-Sell with his Rain Swords; he'll still take damage. Each time Xingqiu gets hit, assuming his Elemental Burst isn't active, he loses one Rain Sword, meaning quick Spam Attacks are more effective against Xingqiu than a few strong attacks.
I shouldn't spam too quickly, though, because one Rain Sword can reduce damage dealt by multiple Ruin Guard rockets hitting in quick succession.
It's Xingqiu's Elemental Burst which I need to watch out for 'cause it launches homing swords at the foe even if Xingqiu himself doesn't land a hit with his Normal Attacks. It would force me to stall by perfect-shielding until it expires...
...but then again, Xingqiu doesn't have any ways to punish stalling foes.
My Author Avatar has a 70% chance to win against Xingqiu.
Xinyan
Real Life
Nothing in Xinyan's lore mentions her skill with a claymore, but she has the highest ATK and DEF among all the 4-star characters (tied with Noelle for highest DEF). Her attacks are kinda slow, to be honest, so I have plenty of openings to exploit.
I have a 90% chance to win against Xinyan.
Fiction
To balance Xinyan out in this section, she simply needs to hit 1 foe to activate Shield Level 3: Rave, which inflicts continuous Pyro damage to nearby foes.
Her Elemental Skill is faster than her Normal Attacks, which, combined with the lengths of Genshin Impact claymores, makes it easy to hit me even if I block.
Her Elemental Burst is also fast. I wouldn't notice the physical damage part coming since it doesn't look like a typical finisher, unlike the part where fire shoots around her.
My Author Avatar has a 25% chance to win against Xinyan.
Zhongli
WARNING: Contains major spoilers.
Real Life
I expect Zhongli to be a master of the polearm thanks to him KOing the Overlord of the Vortex with the giant stone spears that form Guyun Stone Forest.
The dude can literally make a spear spin mid-air just by kicking it.
Zhongli is well-versed in the histories and properties of various materials. In particular, I imagine he'd find some weird sciencey way to use Geo-related objects like the steel steps against me.
I have a 5% chance to win against Zhongli.
Kill, Pinfall, or Submission? Kill just because Zhongli is voiced by Keith Silverstein, the voice of Mr. Cloud District himself, Nazeem. And because the Archon Quests involving Zhongli bored me to death. Maybe you're the reason I keep using every last Mora in Genshin Impact...
Fiction
Good thing I'm not an armored unit; otherwise, Zhongli would stomp me. His elemental powers are designed to destroy Geo-armored units, not just because the powers inherently have the Geo element.
Metals like iron have the Geo element in Genshin Impact. While non-catalyst weapons don't have the Geo element or inflict Geo damage in the game, for this hypothetical fight, I'll assume they do.
Since my Author Avatar is at maximum power, he would wield full-metal weapons, meaning even their hilts are made of metal. (Wouldn't want to splinter a wooden hilt, after all.) Zhongli's held Elemental Skill can destroy 2 of these weapons at a time by draining them of their Geo energy. Fortunately, I carry a dagger, a sword, and a spear, so I won't be completely helpless the first time Zhongli does this. From the second time onwards, I'd be forced to use my fists or gun. (If my weapons instead had wooden hilts, I would use my spear hilt like a quarterstaff since wood is of the Dendro element, not Geo.)
My Author Avatar also carries a smartphone, though he doesn't use it as a weapon since he's bad at programming. (In Craftsman City, computers are the equivalent of catalysts and are wielded as weapons by programmers, especially hackers and software engineers.) Due to his video game addiction, he'd still rage if its metal parts were destroyed.
Zhongli's pressed Elemental Skill can provide some control on the battlefield similar to Mona's Elemental Skill, though it doesn't explode.
Without support from another Geo Construct creator like the Geo-aligned Traveler, this is fairly easy to avoid as long as I don't get knocked off the stage.
But his Elemental Burst though. It drops a freakin' meteor that turns targets into stone. On top of its massive AoE, it deals a monstrously large amount of damage.
In Co-Op, its AoE is visible. Fortunately, it only hits an area in front of Zhongli, so I simply have to go behind him while he's using his Elemental Burst.
My Author Avatar has a 5% chance to win against Zhongli.
Bonus: Valeria Rodriguez
Disclaimer: I respect the voice director and all the voice actors of Genshin Impact. (Yes, including Kayli Mills who voiced two characters I don't like: Keqing (Genshin Impact) and Kuroko Kamenaga (Student Council vice president, Yandere Simulator).) I will only fight them in real life if they explicitly tell me they're okay with it, and if they are, I'll try not to hurt them badly.
Yes, this is the voice actress of Sucrose. Some of her TikTok clips involve her punching or slapping the camera, which made my Blood Knight blood boil. By that, I mean I felt the urge to fight her for fun.
I don't know if Valeria Rodriguez can fight in real life (she didn't enter a proper fighting stance before punching the camera) or if she has an official Author Avatar with superpowers or cool equipment, but for this, I'll just play almost entirely with my own imagination based on her TikTok clips.
And to balance things out, I'm only allowed to use my fists.
Valeria Rodriguez personifies herself as a wolf girl. Her YouTube channel is called Valeria the Wolf and her favorite Genshin Impact character is Razor. As such, here's a YouTube channel name you probably won't expect if you've read my blog for a long time: I'll use TierZoo's wolf analysis from his dog tier list and invent a fighting style for Sucrose's voice actress. (Yes, he popped up in my Recommended feed.)
Steps 1-3 are irrelevant since only the start of the WWE match is the most organized and there's no room for stealth.
As for Step 4, it's obvious that I would win in the speed department because I'm a trained fighter, but also, I don't know how tall Valeria is, but the average height of an American female is 161.3 cm while I'm 174 cm.
Valeria would likely aim for my weak points because of my light weight. However, I'm very good at guarding those because trust me, my boxing trainer went all out and, even when I was sick, he still had a hard time hitting me.
If she goes for the wolf's anti-heavyweight tactics instead which involve inflicting Scratch Damage, she'll have a hard time piercing through my tough defenses.
As for intimidation, possibly due to bad memories of screwing up with my former high school crush "Mareeta", I'd go for being silent but deadly.
On the other hand, I would not flinch at all at Valeria's intimidation.
I have an 80% chance to win against Valeria Rodriguez.
Pinfall or Submission? Pinfall. Again, I respect all the voice actors, though I admit I'm biased in favor of VAs whose characters or voices I REALLY like. A pinfall is also the least damaging of the ways to win, which is good because obviously, the VAs need to keep entertaining us for profit.
I'd only use submissions on VAs that actually know martial arts because I think they can take the pain.
As for fiction, see Razor's Fiction section, I guess.
