Season 3 - Dick Figures Nostalgia

#21: Adventures of Batman & the Bloser

I'm honestly surprised that Mondo Media and Six Point Harness didn't get in trouble for using the name "Batman" multiple times, the first being in episode 3 "Flame War".

But, honestly, I don't want them to get in trouble. Red as Batman is distinct from DC's original Batman. Also, I'm just lazy to deal with law-related stuff, hence why I don't want to be a lawyer despite my 1.25 grade in Law and Multimedia.

Bloser: No, it's because I'm blue and I'm a total bruiser. The Bloser.

Yeah, this spelling rekt my brain. Its pronunciation officially rhymes with "bruiser" but I pronounced it as /BLOH-zer/ (as in "blow"). Also, both "Blue" and "bruiser" have U and no O. Why'd they spell it as "Bloser"? Shouldn't it be "Bluser"?

Also, Red pointed out that "Bloser" looks like "loser".

I reckon, if I become famous, I'd have to explain my name "LunaticTactician" often since both are rarely used words outside of WWE (Dean Ambrose, "Lunatic Fringe") and Fire Emblem (a game all about tactics), respectively.

"Wait, I got an idea! Red, shoot your eye lasers right when I tell you and this just might work." (Batman stays silent) "Red?" "That's not my name!" "Do I really have to?" "Yes." *bonks a butler* "Batman, shoot lasers out of your eyes when I tell you--" "I'M BATMAN!"

I hate pointless time-wasters like this one.

However, I do say "Do I really have to?" when I'm lazy to do something and it doesn't require my enhanced (strength, speed) or specialized (graphic design) skills.

Batman: Where there are liars, the truth will rise to meet them.

Yeah, this is why I sometimes get nervous about telling lies: because one way or another, the truth will be uncovered, whether through sheer carelessness or advanced technology.

#22: Real Dudes Bros Night Man

This title is kinda messy, not gonna lie, especially with the lack of punctuation marks. I have heard "dude-bros" before, so if I could rename this episode, it would be "Real Dude-Bros' Night Man": a guy who's really good at dude-bros' nights.

"What? Dude, who invited this guy?" "He invited himself." "What a mooch!"

Technically, that's true. And that's the funny part.

I know I played this in my head a lot, but I can't remember why.

"I remember back in '44 when we landed in Normandy." "Boooriiing!" "Oh my God, is it over yet?" *Mr. Dingleberry sheds a tear*

This is another group of lines I used a lot since I was a young teen when, y'know, I'm told to do something boring like a household chore.

Yes, I add the "OMG, is it over yet?" even though I haven't even started the chore. (While I swear a lot, "Oh my God" is a phrase I will never say, along with Filipino swear words.)

The full version of Mr. Dingleberry's story is available here...but I couldn't understand most of it.

Lord Tourettes: And I took the daisies to a fluffy-wuffy bear.

Yeah, another major difference between me and other boys is I love certain cute things. The fluffy-wuffy bear, in particular, was drawn with really cute eyes and a chonky body.

And yes, I used to call my younger brother the fluffy-wuffy bear as well.

I don't call him or my niece that anymore, instead preferring to call them "Klee", "Nahida", "Raiden Shogun", etc.

Of course, when I was younger, I was horribly disturbed by Lord Tourettes "fucking the shit out of it". Why would he DO that!?

This story actually won the manliness contest despite much of it being girly. I don't know why, but I'm just thankful that, during this time, Dick Figures didn't hold back in its humor.

If I had to choose which story was the manliest, I'd go for Red's story where he "cut a Siberian tiger in half in space" and "fought a fire demon from the 20th dimension" simply because it shows his amazing combat prowess.

This is followed closely by Mr. Dingleberry storming the beaches of Normandy since he literally completely exposed himself to the Nazis' machine gun fire...and CAME OUT ALIVE. In real life, this would be #1 because, right now, it's physically impossible to "fight a fire demon from the 20th dimension".

But, of course, if I could choose one out of personal preference, it'd be Blue's story just because I love RPGs. I can't imagine how long it would take to even complete a Daily Commission in Genshin Impact with no artifacts and only a Lv. 1 Dull Blade--this would turn an otherwise 30 seconds-or-less commission into...maybe 30 minutes.

#23: Terminate-Her

"Pink? Is that you inside that bacon?" "It's sexy bacon. Do you like it?" "Yeah, you look...crispy...and...delicious?" "Ugh. I wore this for you." "No, no, I--I really like it." "Whatever. If you don't like it, just say so." *Pink splashes her drink in Blue's face and cries* "I need a drink." *Blue gets hit by a goblet*

Not gonna lie, I don't want to see anyone in a bacon suit. I can't imagine other kinds of meat, but I probably wouldn't want them either.

Except I'd be honest about it. At this Halloween party, though, if I were Blue, I'd take Pink to a quieter place 'cause I don't enjoy starting drama in public.

I think I didn't understand this scene as a young teen, but it didn't bother me. It's only bothering me now.

Before re-watching this episode, I often told myself, "I need a drink." along with getting hit by an imaginary goblet whenever I wanted to drink water as copium.

Red's Terminator HUD: MEGA BITCH, HYPER SLUT

I should use these more often to refer to jerks and sluts, respectively.

"Hey, Red." "You son of a bitch." "Yeah... So you're looking for Sarah Connor?" "I'm looking for Sarah Connor!" "I can tell you where she is." "Do it! Do it now!" "She's right over there."

At least Red didn't correct Pink for this one, so yeah, he's probably still Red, not "the Terminator", unlike when I called him "Maroon" or "Batman".

I get really excited when I learn about "intel" (usually information about girls), so I say "Do it! Do it now!" in my head.

I also say "Do it! Do it now!" out loud when I half-jokingly tell my brother or dad to do me a favor or carry out Mom's orders.

"Are you Sarah Connor?" "Ugh, what?" *Sarah Connors gets thrown out the window* "You've been terminated." "Why did you throw that girl out the window?" *Red laughs* "Her name wasn't Sarah Connor! It was Sarah Connors!"

This is a killing, not a romantic encounter, but I love how wonderfully direct Red was in terminating Sarah Connors.

After all, lately, I've been drilling Alfonse from Fire Emblem Heroes into my brain, particularly his Special trigger lines "Above all, the mission!" and "My apologies." (the latter also used by Kamisato Ayaka from Genshin Impact). (I actually uninstalled FEH months ago because I already got all the Heroes I wanted and the power creep and walls of text in the skill descriptions were too much for my brain and time to keep up.)

Gaming aside, I also want to try to be direct when it comes to meeting good-looking girls for the first time. After "softening" them up with casual talk for maybe 5 minutes, I would "go over the rules".

#24: Modern Flame War 3

Yes, they literally skipped the number 2 and just slapped "Modern" onto the title despite being a direct sequel to Flame War. You'd think they'd make a Flame War 2 or Modern Flame War 1 first, but nope!

This episode came out 5 days before the release of the real video game it's based on: Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3...which actually had a Modern Warfare and Modern Warfare 2.

(Game) "Multiplayer in 3, 2, 1, Connection Lost!" (Trollz0r) "Y U no connect?" "Oh, what the hell!" "Mooom!" (Trollz0r's mom) "Jason, indoor voices." "K, Mom."

From the very beginning, this was already burned into my brain every time I struggled to get an Internet connection. That voice just goes so well with the complaint.

"Jason, indoor voices." is my way of telling myself to relax, even if I'm not actually talking loudly. I used to have a loud natural speaking voice, but I speak softer now to save energy and avoid drawing attention from others.

(Everyone) "The Internet's dead!" "Were you looking for the perfect boobs again?" "I was so close!" "You're crashing the Internet, dickfart! We're about to play Modern Flame War 3!"

Similar to "Y U no connect?", but after a longer period (maybe 5 minutes straight) of being unable to connect. I joke to my mom that someone is looking for the perfect boobs again.

While images are generally very light in comparison to Netflix movies and YouTube videos, I think it's still theoretically possible to crash the Internet...or, more specifically, servers hosting the porn images. Red, in particular, has superpowers even while not in an alternate "form" like Batman; he can float, he has super strength, he has the reflexes to dodge volleys of clothespins, and he can shoot lasers out of his eyes, so it's possible he has the hand-eye coordination needed to start downloading lots of porn images in split-seconds. In tech terms, a denial-of-service (DoS) attack.

#25: Planet Asshole

"You guys are dicks." "Yeah." "We were just going to collect all of your food tubes and leave, but now we're going to rename your planet in the galactic database..." "...to Planet Asshole." "Go for it." "Yeah, that sounds awesome."

I love how these aliens mix nerd speak with casual speak.

Political opinions ahead.

While I don't think "Planet Asshole" applies to modern-day Earth yet, we're getting steadily closer. Because almost all of us are mandated to stay at home due to the Wuhan coronavirus pandemic (fuck you, CCP, by the way), we use Internet services more than ever as copium, including but not limited to Zoom, Netflix, and, of course, social media. We internally rage at how other people seem to have better lives than us...while not actually trying to improve our own lives. We take out that rage on others, although we try to hide the real reason because we know it's shameful to be envious of others.

The protests in the United States just keep going, man! Can y'all just chill out about racism? Let bygones be bygones!

I don't know why Red and Blue wanted the aliens to go ahead with renaming to "Planet Asshole", though.

Also, those aliens are overgeneralizing based on how they were treated by two out of billions of humans. Red and Blue don't even hold positions of authority (not counting their Batman and Bloser identities).

But oh well. Many Dick Figures characters are jerks to some degree, even war veteran Mr. Dingleberry since he assisted Lord Takagami in Dick Figures The Movie, as well as Pink who threw her goblet at Blue for not liking her bacon outfit. The only non-jerk I can think of is the Raccoon--he fights for what is right but I think it wasn't his fault he accidentally burned down all of Japan.

"We hate you." "We are going to reroute an asteroid into your planet's orbital path." *Red and Blue suddenly stop laughing* "Prepare to be destroyed in 86 million Earth years."

Basically the Wrath of the Rock, except by aliens.

86 million Earth years is literally 86 million years for us people living on Earth, so based on exactly what the aliens said, I wouldn't be scared at all.

They were horribly wrong. Not only did the asteroid hit shortly after the aliens stole all the burritos on Earth, but it also hit...the aliens' UFO, leaving Earth unharmed. Not sure why Ed and Zack chose to kill off the aliens, but let's call it...revenge.

#26: Zeusbag

According to the official Facebook page, "[Ed and Zack] probably played too much God of War when [they] made this episode." I have played the first God of War for the PS2, as well as Ghost of Sparta for the PSP, and I watched the ending of God of War III, so I relate a lot to this episode.

Stone Tablet: In ancient times, Zeus was a real asshole and shit was crazy... Check this out!

I know it's weird, but this is somewhere in my Top 5 favorite Dick Figures lines of all time. Similar to the aliens in "Planet Asshole", this is another example of Sophisticated as Hell, combining "In ancient times..." and swear words.

I use this line for literally EVERY instance of anyone I perceive to be a jerk, whether or not they're from ancient times. Of course, being from at least 1 month ago is a bonus (although that's usually not considered "ancient" speaking strictly).

This includes but is not limited to 

"Man, Zeus is an asshole. I could be a way bigger asshole than him." "Can't argue with that."

I've never been in an "asshole competition" since being a jerk is not natural to me--I often default to being either respectful or emotionless.

But I can imagine how I would be a "way bigger asshole" than others. As someone who acts like a journalist, I weaponize the 5 Ws and 1 H to rub how weak someone's argument is in their face because they often can't make a proper explanation besides either a stutter, changing the topic, or a lazy "Nothing." Don't get me started with my martial arts skills.

Raccoon (quoting Marcus Aurelius): What we do in rife echoes in eternity.

This scene is interesting because, despite the mostly Greek theme of the episode, this fight is in a Colosseum-style arena and the Raccoon is a ninja and samurai, not a Roman legionnaire or Spartan.

This was made long before even Honkai Impact 3rd existed, but I can't help but relate this quote to Inazuma just because its god pursues eternity. I could see the Raccoon being a member of the Tenryou Commission.

"Wait, wait. I have to shit." "So does that mean we win?" "Yeah, yeah, fine." "Nice."

Mom didn't like it when I told her "I have to shit" consecutive times. I found it amusing when I heard it for the first time because I always heard "shit" as an adjective, expression, or noun, not a verb.

And, of course, when I say "yes" to an order unenthusiastically, I say "Yeah, yeah, fine."

"We don't need this." *throws Anti-Medusa Goggles* "Wait, wait, we might need that!" "Sa, sa sa sssaaa!" "Fuck!" *punches Red but hurts his hand*

This really offends me now mainly because I'm a tactician and thief. For the sake of argument, I'll assume the UI and sounds from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time can't be seen or heard, respectively, by Red and Blue.

I admit that I have a habit of hoarding things--not just treasure, but also mundane things like paper. I never know when I'll draw or write on it, after all. I'm a Boy Scout wannabe with an ISTP-T personality, so I like using anything I can to accomplish a goal.

This is also why I almost always carry a sling bag. In addition to the usual IDs, money, and phone, I also bring pens, a pencil, mosquito repellent, alcohol, and bandages. And I still have space to spare.

But in a more figurative sense, I admit that I expect my team to stick to a plan after we agree upon it. That said, it won't hurt to have a backup plan...

Also, the "Sa, sa sa sssaaa!" sounds kinda like Pokémon speak.

"Bewarrre, adventurerrr! I'm Medusssa! Look into my eye, and you shall be turned into stone...rs!" (Both Red and Blue) "Never! Get her! Ahhh... Fuck it..."

"Never! Get her! Ahhh... Fuck it..." is my attitude towards studying. In other words, I want to finish studying, but I hate it, so I do it half-heartedly...and with low effort.

I only understood the "stone...rs!" part now as an adult, especially with Yoimiya being called a "stoner" for using Naku Weed to ascend.

Red: Flippin' over cups, gettin' drunk on Mount Olympus
Wasted out my mind, think someone will have to drive us
Beer is tastin' warm, but my shades are lookin' cool
And I wake up in the morning in a hurl of mah drool, yeah! Ha ha!

This is probably my equivalent of a national anthem for drinking water. After all, getting drunk on Mount Olympus is as rare an opportunity as it is thrilling, especially since Red and Blue were trying to out-drink the ruler of Olympus. The difference is I'd still drive myself because water doesn't make me drunk--just energized.

#27: Chug-a-Chug-a-Brew-Brew

Red: One more bar! One more bar! One more bar!

While this is (spoiler alert) by no means the end of Red's drinking, I use it differently: when I have one last painfully boring task to do before something exciting.

Or maybe when I've met a certain goal but I want to go the extra mile.

"Yo, give me some sarsaparilla!" *quickly gulps down the jigger* "That was nothing. Gimme another." "Whoa there, city slicker, don't you wan' take it easy?" "Don't you want to take my money?" "Riiight!" *splashes a stack of sarsaparilla jiggers almost instantly into his mouth* "Fuuuck, I don't feel a thing! What kind of weaksauce fire-water is this?" "Sarsaparilla is root beer." "Root beer!?" *pulls out guns* "How dare you serve me non-alcoholic drinks!?"

Fun fact: This was my first time hearing the word "sarsaparilla", so I misspelled it in my head as "sasperilla" based on the pronunciation. I verified it when I was younger and, yes, it's root beer and non-alcoholic. The name "sarsaparilla" really got me the first time--I assumed it was alcoholic and that Red just had an incredibly high alcohol tolerance similar to Venti (besides Episode 2 where it's unknown how much alcohol he drank).

I can't remember the last time I used "Fuuuck, I don't feel a thing!" Hmmm, maybe I should use it when someone punches me and it barely hurts.

Or maybe when someone has weak counters to my arguments.

"No...no alcohol?" "'Fraid not. See, there's a train making a delivery shortly. Should be more in a couple minutes." "A couple of minutes!?" (Timeskip to Red and Blue robbing the alcohol train) "We're robbin' that fuckin' train!" "Come on, dude, I'm so tired! Please!" "Alcohol breakfast!"

Red is so impatient that he'd rather get what he wants immediately through...questionable methods.

Why Blue didn't go off on his own is strange to me, though. Poor guy had to sit through all of Red's antics.

When I "go nuclear", I also imagine I'm "robbin' that fuckin' train". For example, if I try to fix a PC and nothing works, I reinstall the OS. If I'm raging in real life, I work extra long or KILL EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!

"Alcohol breakfast!" is ridiculously funny for me. Alcohol is a drink and I associate breakfast with food, but Red literally having alcohol for breakfast is insane.

But it's only while writing this that I realized he also ate grenades and firecrackers for breakfast.

"Hot damn, we hit the motherload!" *Red and Blue almost get shot* "Banditos!" "Those guys are even drunker than I am." "Not drunker than me!"

"Bandito" is actually Italian, but I think Red calling them something close to "bandidos" (Spanish for "bandits") made them sound cooler like I'm watching a Mexican crime film. Ed Skudder said after all that the things in the world Ed and Zack love are "making Dick Figures, Mexican food, and counting."

When I think I'm about to get something super good but I have to deal with bad stuff first, I should also call the bad stuff "bandidos".

Most people get surprised when I tell them I'm addicted to water, so I think to myself, "Not drunker than me!"

"Let's get out of here!" "What are you doing?" "Sake bomb!" "Should we jump off?" "Naaah." *train engine explodes* "Cool." *train cars slow to a stop* "If you're happy and you know it, suck my dick!" "Now, can we go home and sleep?" "Are you kidding me? We got all this alcohol! It's time to party!"

I feel strangely thrilled when I exit a "crime scene", such as when I steal something from my parents or infiltrate a real-life restricted area. Heck, I was so bad at Minecraft Annihilation that I felt the same thrill.

Getting out with an explosion just makes things more fun. It's like you really rubbed it in the face of a video game dungeon...if the dungeon had feelings.

Why did that one bandit say "Naaah." to jumping off the train, though? Either way, I imagine that line for those who risk their lives for idiotic reasons.

I would never say "suck my dick" out loud, but I love how amusing this victory line is, especially with the train slowing to a stop.

And no one can say no to my victory celebrations.

#28: Brain Switch

In this section, unless otherwise specified, lines in blue are said by Red in Blue's body and vice versa.

"Oh my God, my interview!" "I just pooped in your pants!" "You can't fuck this up!" "Don't worry! I'm Blue--it'll be fine!" *whistling then gets run over by a car* "Oh, God, my body!" "I pooped again!"

I'm actually bad at impersonating people. For example, Mom and Dad sometimes told me to send messages for them using their accounts, but I don't memorize how they write since I'm used to my mostly grammatically correct style.

But I still feel like Blue even now. I'm probably the only sane kid among the knuckleheaded and hedonistic teens and young adults out there...aside from my university classmates, of course.

Anyway, I tell myself, "I'm Blue--it'll be fine!" as a form of self-motivation. I got the knowledge of a wizard and the calmness of a monk. It'll be alright.

Those who pretend to be normal but are actually insane? Those are the ones who get hit by passing cars.

"So, what are your interpretations of the last quarter's stock returns?" (Red's brain) "Thinking... Say something clever! We're undervaluating our...fiscal...stock remainders. Yeah! Let's go for it! Those are words." (Red in the interview) "Battle trash chedda wheels!" (Red's brain) "Ugh... Terrible! I'm getting this amnesia. Who's giving who amnesia!?" "Interesting, interesting, yeah... Are you retarded?" (Timeskip) "I...uh, didn't get the job." "WHAT!? You asshole! I told you not to fuck this up!" "The guy was a jerk anyway." "That's it! I'm gonna ruin your life...and your body!" "Good! I'm gonna ruin yours!"

"Thinking... Say something clever!" is literally me (and probably many other people) when I struggle to figure out what to say. Luckily, most of my conversations these days are typed, so I have a little more time to carefully think about what I want to say. After all, they say wise people take their time.

"Battle trash chedda wheels!" is what I imagine idiots to say even after I think I made something clear. Oh well. My unique teaching style doesn't work for everyone.

Once Red and Blue start ruining each other's bodies, they basically do the things they do as their normal selves: Blue reads books and eats healthy food in Red's body while Red drinks and does dangerous things in Blue's body.

I would love to "ruin" someone's body in a healthy way too. The challenge is to deal with whatever physical difficulties the person may have, though... I once did a roleplay where, when one of my Genshin friends swapped bodies with me, she had no problem doing my everyday store work because of my strong body, which is what she would struggle with otherwise.

(Blue gets his brain back) "Everything hurts! What did you do to my body? Why is there so much poop in my pants?" (Raccoon's voice in Red's body) "Watto da fakku jast happand?" (Girl) "So fluffy!" (Red's voice in Raccoon's body) "I think I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think s--" (Episode end)

"Everything hurts!" is basically the feeling of...someone I know that I can't tell.

It's interesting that Blue's body only felt pain AFTER Blue went back in it. Does Red's brain have much less sensitive pain receptors than Blue's brain? (Red felt pain while bleeding in Episode 33 "Taco Tuesday".)

(Man, I know too much. A gamer and martial artist suddenly talking about the nervous system...)

"I think I'm turning Japanese" is easy--it's for people who think they speak Japanese because they watch anime.

But I also feel the same way...for a different reason. I'm trying to learn Japanese politeness, mainly with Kamisato Ayaka as a role model. When I'm dedicated to something, I adopt a "never quit" attitude.

#29: Pleasure Cruise

"HMS Tragedy!? We should have known!" "We should have known!"

Moral lesson: Always pay attention.

"Dude, you wanna get a hotdog?" "What? WHAT? How the hell are we gonna get a hotdog? Look where we are! We're in the middle of the goddamn oc--Oh, wait."

This is a huge troll. I really thought Red was insane, especially given the HMS Tragedy is a luxury cruise ship that sank all the way into the water, not partially. The currents dragging Red and Blue weren't particularly strong either. And you'd think the ship would stay far away from land for safety until it gets close to its desired harbor.

But they found a hotdog stand anyway. Another happy ending!

Instead of the typical Dick Figures outro jingle, it played the Pina Colada song. It somehow feels more nostalgic than Dick Figures itself, but I don't know why. Is it because it sounds like songs I listened to as a little kid?

#30: Kung Fu Winners

I actually put this episode high up on my bucket list as a young teen--I didn't pay attention to the episode numbers. It has "kung fu" in the title and I LOVE fighting.

But I didn't watch it for some odd reason. Thank goodness I watched it last because that was the last Dick Figures episode at the time and I became impatient for Season 4 which, unlike the other seasons, had a super vague release date of "Soonish".

Mook: Chow mein at the Golden Lotus Dragon is for kung fu winners only! And since your fighting is weak like wet noodles, we shall take your girlfriend until you are worthy...

I heard Eric Bauza who voices the Golden Lotus Dragon mooks (and Lord Takagami) is the only professionally trained voice actor among the Dick Figures cast. He does these characters SO well that, even though this one is a mook, his voice is stuck in my brain.

Eric Bauza for Fire Emblem Heroes or Genshin Impact, anyone?

I'm much weaker to the cold than my family members, so when I get out of the shower at night, I play the "wet noodles" part in my head. Extra points when I'm about to teach an unenthusiastic beginner student.

"Out of my way! I'm getting chow mein!" "Only kung fu winners may pass and feast upon our super yummy chow mein!" "Yeah, right! You'd best move your butts before they get kicked by my kung fu!"

Red is awesomely brave and direct, but he gave the mooks a chance to step aside. Good on you, buddy.

But they didn't step aside, hence a fight scene that my teen self LOVED.

Still, again with being Sophisticated as Hell. I love how Eric Bauza changed from an imposing voice to a voice as if he was enjoying something delicious.