My Story Prior to Season 4
Unlike Seasons 2 and 3 which had their release dates announced on the last episode and were released 1 month after the last episode, Episode 30 "Kung Fu Winners" only stated the vague "release date" of "Soonish". Being an early teen who started watching Dick Figures in January 2012 and instantly loved it, I was very impatient for Season 4.
Although, I think, in March 2012, I lost patience and assumed Season 4 wouldn't happen at all since a little more than a month had passed at the time. It didn't stop me from watching the other 3 seasons over and over, though.
I didn't follow any of Dick Figures's social media accounts at the time, so the release of Episode 31, "Losing Streakers", REALLY caught me by surprise. Speaking of which, this is a perfect segway into the next section...
#31: Losing Streakers
"Sal Sagev, whoo! How're you doin' up there?" "Aaahhh! I don't wanna go, you asshole!" "Craps city!"
I was overhyped for this episode when it came out; Red's excited voice and Blue being tied to the top of the car further fueled the hype.
Heck, I barely paid attention to what went on throughout the episode. Makes me feel like a kid again who did nothing but mash A in Pokémon...
Now, I should probably say this line in my head when I'm going on an adventure to an exciting place such as Japan (never been there), Singapore (my good friend NachoPizza lives there), or a romantic date (no surprise 'cause I'm a hopeless romantic).
Perhaps "Aaahhh, I don't wanna go, you asshole!" adds to the thrill because it's a way of breaking rules; in this case, someone else's right to move freely.
I'll try my best not to actually force anyone to come with me, though I did send my high school crush to the arcade against her will on my 17th birthday. Needless to say...it was my worst birthday ever.
Girls: (manly voice) BALLSACK.
It's a random joke thrown in for fun, but this is probably the best part of the episode for many people. The girls (voiced by animator Lynn Wang) had properly girly voices otherwise.
Lynn Wang actually said the "ballsack" lines in a proper girly voice while recording according to Kickstarter Update #3.
They just replaced "ballsack" with a manly voice...but I don't know who voiced it.
"That was horrible. Let's never do that again." "You're right. We're never going to Sal Sagev again." (pause) "VIVA LAS VEGAS!!!" "AAAAHHHH!!!"
When you think you've solved a problem only for a similar one to come up immediately afterward...
By the way, if you haven't caught on to the joke, "Sal Sagev" is Las Vegas spelled backwards.
#32: Pussy Magnet
I didn't know that "pussy" was a euphemism at the time, so I associated it with cats. It only got worse when Red literally magnetized cats until he was completely covered in them.
Red: First thing you gotta do is surprise 'em. Ladies love surprises. Check this out. (splashes water on two girls) SURPRISE! *girls French-kiss each other*
Uhhh...I think the only way a "surprise" would work in a romantic context is with either a gift or a surprise party. Spoiler alert: neither one of those happens in this episode.
Although to be fair, I do surprise my mom on a regular basis by trolling her into thinking I did not do what she wants me to do.
Red: Alright, step 2: Confidence (French accent). When you talk to mademoiselles, you got to be direct.
I 50% agree with this one.
Despite my hopeless romantic attitude, my cautiousness is more dominant, sometimes to the point of paranoia. That's why I, in my own words, prefer to slowly climb the friendship ladder before being explicitly romantic. In the first few days or weeks, I will, for the most part, alternate personalities between interviewer and interviewee, rather than being friendly. That way, I can subtly intimidate potential criminals and slackers into thinking I'm not worth the time and effort to fool while also expanding my own knowledge about the girl.
But, after a few minutes of asking about the girl's interests and story to build rapport and calm her down, that's when I formally establish rules.
The #1 rule I have is: "If I'm doing something you don't like, please point it out immediately, even if it might 'hurt my feelings'." That way, I don't have to rely exclusively on my own moral judgment--after all, some people know things I don't.
In terms of being "direct" as shown in the episode, heck no. I'm not sure why, but if a girl I don't know or barely know were to approach me with something as direct as "Do you want to be my boyfriend?", I would put on a face of disapproval and ask, "...Why?"
I think, when I do become romantically direct, I would say something like this: "We've been friends for a while now, and you've been very kind to me. (Insert kind acts.) For all you've done for me, I propose... Would you like to be my girlfriend?"
The actual answer may vary because I've never reached this level with any single girls yet. I also want to add a fancy act--I'm thinking of a bow.
"So, all you need to is surprise 'em, be confident, and get a sick lid." "*sigh* Goddammit. Okay."
I rarely say "goddammit", but that's what pops into my brain when I reluctantly follow orders.
(Pink is reading "Hungr Dames") "PINK-I-LOVE-YOU!" *Pink shoots Blue* "Blue, what is your problem!?" "The bullet...in my body."
In a way, Blue following Red's instructions worked--it really surprised me when I watched this for the first time. I thought: why would Pink shoot her own boyfriend!?
I don't think this is a reasonable reaction even for something as shocking as this, but whatever. I don't know enough about girls.
Still, Blue is right...in a funny and tactical way. "The bullet...in my body." I'mma weaponize that when I don't appreciate someone being mad at me for no clear or good reason... In other words, "I think better when I'm relaxed. Your anger doesn't help me think straight."
Edit, December 3, 2022: I actually did it. I shouted at Dad while he was ranting non-stop while I was busy, "Ever heard of morale!?"
#33: Taco Tuesday
Red accidentally cut his hand in this episode, causing him to scatter high-pressure blood all over the place. This is another reason I think Red has superpowers even when he's not Batman. I wonder how much blood he has compared to the human average of more than 5 liters...
"Thanks for buying lunch, man. For once." "I thought you said you were getting lunch." "What? I don't have any money!" "I never have money!"
Communication is key, guys. Even in friendships.
This is exactly what I'm afraid of when it comes to dating. This is also one more reason I follow the US Coast Guard motto: "Semper paratus" (Latin for "Always ready").
"Driver!" "There's no way you're driving my car!" (Red drives it) "How did this happen!?"
Not sure why I put this in. I just plain like it.
I guess I just prefer to be in control of things.
This is usually how Dad thinks when I want to drive or Mom tells me to. I'm a bad driver and Dad is much more paranoid than Mom who thinks it's an opportunity to steadily improve my driving.
Usually, I end up driving anyway.
Edit: I'm getting steadily better at driving...though I admit I'm leaning too much into Badass Driver territory by performing near misses and sharp turns. Mom gets very dizzy when I drive.
"Hey, guys!" *Blue's car bumps Mr. Dingleberry* "Ack! Aaaccckkk..." "Oh, fuck x9!" "Get the body! No evidence! Get the body!" "What're you doing, man?" "I don't know! Drive away! Drive away!"
Yeeeaaahhh...sometimes, the criminal things I do are so risky that I have no choice but to leave evidence behind and have to clean it up immediately afterward before...who knows when the "cops" (usually my parents) come.
I also say "Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck!" when a deadline is approaching in just a few minutes--EVEN WORSE if they're SECONDS. My blood pressure becomes so high that my arms tremble like an old man's as I forcefully maximize my Dexterity ability score temporarily. Don't even get me started with random Internet connection problems.
"Oh my God, that was close! We can't do that again!" *bump* "Oh, fuck x5, oh--" "Aaaahhhh!" "Uww!" "Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck!" "No, no, no, no, no!" "Ugh..." "Aaaahhhh!" *bump* *Blue cries*
When your problems just keep coming at you one after another...
This brings to mind another set of lines from another animated web series, this time "Starter Squad": "AAAHH! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" *grabs Weepinbell* "Ah! What are you doing?" "Charmander, attack!" "What happened to empathy?" "Screw empathy! There's a time and place for everything, but not now! Kick his ass!" "Finally!"
"This is a huge problem!" "Yeah, there're, like, 20 dead people in my car!" "No, I don't think we're gonna get a tip!" "What're we gonna do?" "I got an idea!" *Red and Blue bail out of the car, sending it falling off a cliff* *The car's shrinking shadow is above an elementary school* "Oh, no!" *Above a baby panda sanctuary" "Oh no!" *Above the lesbian Italian restaurant Red and Blue ate in* "Oh, that's fine."
Before thinking of a quick but risky way to solve a big problem, I think to myself, "This is a huge problem!" "What're we gonna do?" "I got an idea!"
Like most people, I think much faster under pressure, but I basically do trial-and-error in my brain, hence "Oh, no! Oh no! Oh, that's fine." when I finally get to a solution I think is good.
#34: Ocho Muerte
"She's released the Kraken!" "Ah! Pink!" *tries to open the door* "Are you kidding me? I locked myself out!"
It's rare for me to lock myself out...but I did so this year. Our store structure, which is made of wood, is probably 6 years old, and since I move very quickly and apply a lot of force in the process, the handle on our barrel bolt lock broke apart. There was a hole where the handle was, but it rolled in such a way that I couldn't reach it with something like a pencil. Even worse, I was hungry and lunch was ready.
Mom somehow bailed me out by turning the bolt while she was on the other side; it was a Dutch door where the bottom half was broken.
I know it's not related, but I want to practice lockpicking. However, there are more important things I have to do with my money like buying a new house. Lockpicking tools and a practice lock are somewhere near the bottom of my wishlist.
*Trollz0r fapping*
I didn't know that to "fap" meant to masturbate, so I thought "fap" was the sound of a keyboard button being pressed, especially given that Trollz0r is a pro gamer.
I did not look closely at how Trollz0r's arms were positioned.
"Let's just order takeout." (referring to his burrito from the dumpster) "Want some?" "No. You have a knife in your head." "You have a knife in your head!" *throws the knife at Blue's head* (Episode end)
Although I use these lines in very different situations, I say the whole set regardless.
Starting with "Let's just order takeout", if both of us have difficulty agreeing on a certain decision, I try to settle the argument or dilemma as quickly as possible by making a swift decision.
For "Want some?" "No.", I generally dislike sharing food; for example, eating the cake slice of someone who already bit the slice. I'm willing to share chips, though.
I also use this for general occasions where I say "no" in a monotonous and serious voice, such as when I get asked a stupid question but I don't want to respond with full-blown anger.
Lastly, "you have a knife in your head" is what I use when someone has an obvious problem that the other person somehow doesn't notice.
But I get offended when it gets thrown back at me...because it turns the argument into a competition of "who's worse than the other person" when it should be focused on solving the problem at hand.
#35: First Day of Cool
Note that I'll have a separate nostalgia post specifically for Dick Figures The Movie. This is for parts that were cut in the final movie.
Offscreen male voice: Oh, no, not the explosion factory! *Explosion behind Blue*
In the final movie, Mr. Dingleberry instead says this line.
Also in the final movie, they weren't kidding when they said this is a world full of explosions. They wanted to sell that early on with this scene, especially with Blue not caring at all and just walking with a monotonous expression.
Okay, I'm not entirely sure how this scene resonates with me besides the humor. Perhaps Blue getting out of the school bus is similar to me getting out of the car to go inside the school building--when I was in high school, we were unique in that, despite being homeschooled, we had optional Wednesday face-to-face classes...and mandatory face-to-face exams.
When I wrote this paragraph, I listened to "Against the Invisible Net", one of the Inazuma battle themes. 2:56 is the best part for me; it feels VERY dramatic, like one of us is about to deal a decisive blow. Similar to the thrill I get when I fight, I see going to school as an opportunity to meet with my high school crush...which I didn't fully take advantage of because I was too shy. Man, I wish I could've done things differently since I'm learning a bit more about striking a balance between being direct and being elegant. In Genshin Impact terms, between Kujou Sara (or Diluc?) and Kamisato Ayaka.
*Red high-jumping and grunting as the fight starts*
Red is silent in the final movie. I don't know why. They took away one of my favorite parts...but oh well, at least this episode still exists.
Being a chuunibyou martial artist, I LOVE these grunts, especially with the lightning strike in the background. Red REALLY meant business in the rest of this scene, and so did the animators. Ed Skudder really meant it when he said "we're pumping up the quality a bit."
This was one of the main reasons I watched "First Day of Cool" over and over before the movie came out (and I was even nervous that it wouldn't reach the $250,000 Kickstarter goal).
Another reason also related to this fight scene is the killer track: "The First Fight". Those electro riffs and drums really slap.
#36: The Red Devil
*Immediately after Red and Blue get out of Blue's car, it gets stolen* "Oh my God, my car!" "Dude, third rule of Mexico." "STAY IN THE CAR!"
Why does "STAY IN THE CAR!" resonate so much with me? I have no idea. Is it because, unlike the other rules, it's in all caps? Is it because I think about it when I'm ignorant of a rule I want to follow, such as something in Japanese culture?
Blue: Shit! We've no money, no car, and no passport! We have to sneak back into America!
I only resonated with this just because of the "sneak" word. Filthy thief, am I right?
Still, I'd rather not go through the trouble of proving my identity with the immigration nerds, so I just hold onto my valuables REALLY tightly and constantly turn my head.
Mexican Street Thugs: DIE, PUTOS!
Most of the English subtitles in this episode are intentionally wrong. This is a line they actually got right.
But I interpreted this differently as a younger teen. In Filipino, "puto" is a sweet rice cake. We do have "puta" which means the same in Spanish: "bitch". We never use "puto" (the male version of "bitch") even when insulting males--we mainly use "puta" as an expression similar to "fuck" or as part of the phrase "putang ina" meaning "[your] mother is a bitch".
I wonder why Red confirmed to Blue that they were shooting at "putas", though. That confused me even further.
Still, I strangely loved how the text was in all-caps Impact font, as well as how direct the thugs were before they shot down the opposing thugs.
"Dude, this is sweet! We got a car, we got a ton of money; best of all, we got BURRITOS!" "I am never napping again."
This is the polar opposite of "Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck!" This is when the good times keep on coming.
I think this is how I felt during the Genshin Impact 1st anniversary. Coincidentally, we were also celebrating something for my paternal grandmother. I was able to hoard a lot of Intertwined Fates (an item used for trying your luck on getting new characters/weapons) from the anniversary events; on top of that, I had fun ranting about the anniversary rewards with NachoPizza, he went on a date with his new girlfriend, and we had KFC for lunch to make fun of the Fowl meme.
Still, this wouldn't be so complete without my own girlfriend, if you ask me.
#37: Freshman 15
(Trollz0r) "Hey, baby, take off that overshield so I can dual-wield your halos." (Girl) "Are you, like, a foreign exchange student?" *changes to Okay Guy* "Single-player activated..."
Yeah, I'd better be careful with using video game references when talking to people I don't know, especially if they're girls.
But I can't help it, man! It's easier to explain psychology by using video game analogies than spouting out loads of technical terms!
Then again, I don't play Halo (or whatever game Trollz0r referenced) so I have no idea what he means exactly, but judging by context clues, he wants the girl to take off her clothes (overshield) so he can touch (dual-wield) her boobs (halos).
"Oh, thank God, the medicine cabinet!" "Oh, shit, dude, that's expiiirrred..." *Blue's face and his vision get distorted* "ROBOTRIP!"
Again with me being ignorant of these terms that kids shouldn't know. Hence, I associated "robotrip" with robots.
The flashing neon lights, text zooming in and out per frame, and Zack Keller's voice made this sound extra funny to me. Heck, if you say "robotrip" to me repeatedly and in a weird voice, I might laugh like crazy.
I only recently learned that the "robo" in "robotrip" refers to Robitussin, a cough medicine. I took Robitussin as a little kid, but I strictly followed my prescription.
"Uh, I think he's dead." "Nah, he's alright." "Oh, you're such a good guy!" "You know it, bitch!"
Weaksauce compliment. How does simply saying Blue is "alright" make Red a good guy? Sure, from the girl's POV, Red is concerned for Blue, but this feels more to me like pointing out an obvious fact, assuming Blue REALLY is alright (which I doubt).
#38: Ballad of Lord Tourettes
The uncensored version of this episode is available on Nick Keller's Spotify and SoundCloud.
I grabbed a new hat from the wall
Hoping soon she'd be on my BALLS
But don't say that to a lady
It's so crass and FUCKING SHADY
Yeah, I'm glad I burned this stanza into my brain. That's why I always treat most girls with respect...unless they're thots: those get a punch from me.
"I love you," I sang with good pitch
Now, it's my turn to make you my--
BITCH, 'CAUSE I'M GONNA FUCK YOUR PUSSY TILL IT EXPLODES WITH A FUCKING MILLION BABIES! YOU CAN'T WALK AWAY! YOU'RE IN MY SEX DUNGEON NOW, MOTHAFUCKA! HA HA HA HA HA! HA, HA, HA, HAAA!!!
The lines in all caps are heavily censored in the YouTube version. I think this is when MondoMedia realized that YouTube has begun demonetizing videos that contain lots of swearing. And it's only getting worse as politics evolve and wokes get offended by more and more things.
The only lyrics I accurately guessed were "YOU'RE IN MY (bleep) DUNGEON NOW!" because...y'know, I'm an RPG fan.
I wonder why "YOU CAN'T WALK AWAY!" was censored, though... Is it because it sounds like kidnapping?
The official lyrics on Spotify are somewhat misspelled, so I used the Dick Figures Wiki lyrics instead with a few changes for grammar and accuracy. Ben Tuller (Lord Tourettes's voice actor) said them SO fast it's hard to listen to them clearly.
Note that I strictly don't want kids, so the "exploding with a million babies" thing doesn't apply to me. Instead, maybe this would play in my head when I meet a girl for the first time on a date...minus the sexual and vulgar stuff.
And, of course, I still do evil laughs.
#39: The Fart Knight Rises
Subtitles: LONDON, ENGLAND, UNITED KINGDOM, ETC
I can top that. "LONDON, ENGLAND, UNITED KINGDOM, EUROPE, EARTH, MILKY WAY". (Can you go any further? There seems to be no name for the universe besides the common noun.)
I hate having to handwrite my home address in forms because it's SO long. Instead of something like "#123 Hammer St., Craftsman City", I have to write "Block 13 Lot 69 King Nebuchadnezzar St., Brgy. Ancient Times, Boring Municipality, Mayor City". I often have to make my letters thinner if I overestimate the length of the blank.
Bloser to Earl Grey: Your accent sounds pretentious!
This is EXACTLY how I feel whenever I hear or see a Filipino using a foreign language (especially English) gratuitously.
Like, dude, just speak Filipino! I can understand and speak it just fine! Don't harm yourself!
Crowd: USA! USA!
I know I'm Filipino, but "USA! USA!" sounds really catchy. This is what I want patriotism to be like. For the same reason, I enjoyed the Regular Show minisode called--you guessed it--"USA! USA!"
It's just that "Mabuhay ang Pilipinas!" (Long live the Philippines!) doesn't roll off my tongue.
In my head, I chant "USA! USA!" when I uphold American values.
#40: Robot Frog
"I got some advice for you, I got some a-vice! You touch-a the boobies and you touch 'em-the-twice!" "Shut the hell up! She's a lady!"
Same deal as the "crass and fucking shady" line in "Ballad of Lord Tourettes".
I do like looking at girls' chest areas, but I would never try to touch them. Heck, that's why I feel nervous when I hug girls other than my family members.
"So, I know we've been dating for two years, and you're a really nice guy." (Brain) "That's very nice of her." (Crotch) "Nooo!"
I know the brain and crotch thing was first used in "Ocho Muerte", but I feel like this episode REALLY gave them separate personalities. In general, the brain thinks logically while the crotch aims to satisfy itself. In this case, the brain appreciates the compliment while the crotch is paranoid because of the context of this conversation: Blue and his girlfriend were going to "have a talk".
I...have let my "crotch" get the better of me once. I raged at someone for complimenting my appearance in my first ever video.
"But, I've just been so busy with med school and my three jobs, and I've never really gotten to go crazy, you know? I think I just need time for me." (Crotch) "To be a slut!" (Brain) "Where's this going?" "I've never even been drunk before."
This only resonated with me recently mainly because I'm raging at some people. I feel like they work too hard...or are forced to do so by their parents.
At least, from what I've heard, even though many Japanese people regularly do overtime, they stay home on the weekends. Some white-collar Filipino employees, including my dad and me, have to work LITERALLY EVERY DAY. Even weekends and holidays. And I'm not even in a position related to the government, medicine, or something else related to emergencies or national defense.
It's pretty unlikely even my crotch would say something along the lines of "To be a slut!" in this situation, though, again, I understand Blue's crotch's paranoia. Considering how I can be intimidating and strict in the first few chats, it's pretty unlikely this would happen in the first place to me...along with getting drunk because I hate alcohol.
I like what the brain said, though. It's being patient and open-minded. I should be more like that.
"Are you dumping me?" (Camera zooms out, revealing Stacy) "IS THAT VODKA!?" "It's time to let the real Stacy out, bitch! Whoo! I've forgotten everything!"
Yeah, I got trolled big-time by the earlier dialogue, hence why I stayed consistent and used Pink's color until this part. Stacy (normally voiced by Lauren Kay Sokolov) used Pink's voice (Shea Logsdon)!
I know break-ups more often than not feel REALLY bad for at least one person, but being a third party, I think of this as a happy ending. Stacy has been shown to act similarly to her new boyfriend Red in earlier episodes (canonically later, I think), with both engaging in casual sex and being alcoholics.
To be fair to Blue, however, Stacy felt forced to act prim-and-proper with Blue and Blue probably didn't realize it until now. As such, Blue felt comfortable with Stacy's...forced personality.
Now I wonder what Blue and Stacy were like when they first met. Maybe Stacy really was similar in personality to Blue at first, or at least that's what Blue thought. Stacy talked politely to Blue until this whole vodka thing.
Regardless, I'm...now extra paranoid. It's probably Insane Troll Logic at this point, but some girls may just be REALLY skilled at hiding their true personalities, even in situations where I might act as emotionless, formal, and scary as possible.
"Hey, where're you going?" "*sigh* I don't know, man. Things are different now. I guess I've learned a lot and it was good, but I gotta think about what I really want in life." "Don't care!" *slams the door shut* (muffled voice) "I think I'm gonna go see a movie."
Uhhh...I'm not sure what exactly Blue "learned" considering Stacy turned out to be terrible, but if I'm going to take a guess, he learned that he should have higher standards for girls. And, of course, he should focus more on building his personal identity.
I would've wanted Zack Keller to speak more monotonously in this scene to really sell the intense sadness, but this is alright.
"Don't care!" and slamming the door shut is EXACTLY what I think when I...well, don't care about something.
And although it's supposed to be a subtle reference to the recently released Dick Figures The Movie, I always seem to play that "I think I'm gonna go see a movie" line in my head. Blue seemed to have gotten over that break-up pretty quickly. Another happy ending!
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